


Hold Me Up (In The Palm Of Your Hand)

by violethoure666



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Middle School, Angst, Cousins, Emotional Intensity, Eventual Smut, F/M, Forbidden Love, Good kids bad parenting, Growing Up Together, Leia is a crap mom sometimes, Minor Rey/OC, Modern AU, No age gap, People emoting on trees, Pining, Slow Burn, Strained mother/son relationship, Tags May Change, arborial kink, minor Ben/OC, real cousins, the box is clearly marked, they are cousins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2019-11-13 02:15:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 77,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18022925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violethoure666/pseuds/violethoure666
Summary: Rey is sent to live with her aunt and uncle at eleven after the unexpected death of her father Luke.Thank god for her cousin Ben.A slow burn, no age gap, coming of age story following Ben and Rey from eleven to nineteen.





	1. June 2007

**Author's Note:**

> Buckle up kids.

_All the glory that the Lord has made_  
_And the complications when I see His face_  
_In the morning in the window_

 _All the glory when he took our place_  
_But he took my shoulders and he shook my face_  
And he takes and he takes and he takes

 

Casmir Pulaski Day - Sufjan Stevens

 

_2007_

 

Rey Skywalker becomes an orphan on a beautiful day in June.

 

 _This is not the kind of day people die on_ , she thinks, _isn’t it supposed to be dark or raining?_

 

But it’s sunny and warm when she answers the door, when the police step into her house without asking, when she knows before they speak that something is very, _very_ wrong.

 

Rey doesn’t remember her mother at all, it’s always just been her and her dad, and now it’s just Rey.

 

She is completely and utterly alone.

 

~~~

 

Funerals are terrible. Maybe the worst thing ever, Rey decides.

 

At eleven she’s too young to have any say in anything, so everything just changes around her while she tries to reorient herself.

 

Her grandma Paddy shows up the same day the police come over, just about six hours later. She holds Rey and they both cry a lot and in the morning, Rey packs her bag and they fly from Arizona to the Northern California where Rey’s aunt and uncle and cousin live.

 

“Everything is going to be okay,” Nana Paddy says, and Rey almost believes her. Her voice is so steady and calm. Her hand is so smooth and cool where it holds Rey’s own.

 

Besides, Rey has spent every summer in California since she was born, just as her family spent every winter in Arizona. She loves her aunt Leia and her uncle Han, but they aren’t _her_ parents. The only silver lining in any of this is that she gets to live with Ben now.

 

Ben has always been Rey’s best friend. They’re the only kids in the family, and they’re only a few months apart. Seeing Ben twice a year is a highlight for Rey, who has always _longed_ for a sibling.

 

But she would trade them all if it meant she could have her dad back.

 

A man she has never seen before speaks to the group who is gathered, he talks as if he knows Luke, so sure that he is better off now, wherever he is. Leia bought Rey a new dress, black of course, and Rey knows she will never wear it again. Maybe she can burn it after this.

She doesn’t want to be here. She doesn’t want to do this today.

 

Suddenly a hand slides against hers, palm to palm. She looks over at Ben. He’s crying, everyone is, except for Rey.

 

But she’s already cried a lot this week.

 

Ben squeezes her hand as they lower Luke’s body into the earth.

 

~~~

 

Northern California is so _green_. Her new house is tucked into a hillside full of trees, looking down on the ocean. The roads are narrow and twisting and look like something out of a story book. Rey can see the ocean from the huge windows in her new room, the house just sort of hangs, like it’s perched to jump from the mountain.

 

All the glass in her room makes her feel like she’s in a fishbowl, or maybe some kind of boat.

 

All her stuff is here, another thing she didn’t have to think about, it just happened. Her books, her toys, her clothes. And new things too, a bigger bed, as big as her dads back home, and a new backpack for school and a computer on a desk.

 

She knows objectively that Leia and Han have more money than her dad did, but it’s still odd to see it spent on her like this. It makes her throat tight.

 

She desperately wants to go home. She thinks about what would have happened if she had crawled into the wooden box with her dad. If she could have sneaked in. What that would’ve meant.

 

Dirt in her lungs, mostly.

 

She starts to cry again. She didn’t even think she had any tears left but she does, and it hurts. She doesn’t even hear her door open, but suddenly someone is sitting down next to her.

 

Ben looks scared. He’s so tall and thin now, and his hair hair a mess, he must have been in bed. So she probably woke him up.

 

“I’m sorry,” he says softly. “Rey, I’m so sorry. I know this is awful but I promise you, I’m gonna be right here. Every day, whenever you need me.”

 

Rey doesn’t know what to say, she just leans into him, crying against his shoulder.

 

_You still have Ben. He’s not dead. He didn’t drive a car into a tree, he can’t even drive. He’s right here with you._

 

Ben holds Rey until she stops crying, until her breathing evens out.

 

“Can I sleep in your room?” she asks, when she can talk again.

 

Ben looks so serious in the stark light from the moon bouncing off of the sea, all shadows and edges. He nods and takes her hand, leading her out of her room and down the hall.

 

Ben’s room looks out at the hillside from one window and the ocean from another. It doesn’t seem ready to leap off of the mountain, and she calms a little at that.

 

Ben’s bed is big, too--a grown-up bed--and she’s thankful for it because they fit easily; could both spread out if they wanted, but they don’t. She stays close to him, holding his hand and listening to the sound of the sea below.

 

~~~

 

Living with the Solos is _nice._ Rey can almost pretend it’s just a regular summer, that she’s spending the hottest months by the sea like she does every year.

 

Han drops them off at the beach in the mornings smothered in sunscreen, backpacks full of sandwiches and Gatorade and power bars and they lay in the sun and chase splash each other and Ben tries to show Rey how to surf.

 

“I hate this part,” she says, laying on her belly on the board, checking for waves over shoulder. “It feels like they're sneaking up on me.”

 

Ben is treading water next to her. His ears look so stupid when his hair is wet. Rey loves it.

 

“Stay ready then,” he says, and when the wave comes he pushes her board. Rey lets the water takes her, jumps up to her feet as she feels the momentum build and she can’t hear Ben cheering over the sound of the water but she knows he is, and for the first time in weeks she laughs.

 

They go to Disneyland.

 

It means ten hours in a car just to _get there_ which is not so bad since Leia’s car has a DVD player, but is kind of bad because Ben thinks it’s hilarious to fart when all the windows are up, Han conspiring to lock them before Rey can react.

 

But when they get there, oh man. Rey freaking _loves_ it. Space Mountain is her favorite. Ben rides it twice with her before shaking his head, face pale.

 

“I’ll barf on you; I’m out.”

 

So she rides it again but it isn’t as much fun without Ben. She drags him off to the section of the park full of carnival games and wins him a stuffed octopus.

 

Ben holds its to his chest and pretends to sniffle.

 

“It’s the greatest gift I’ve ever gotten.”

 

Rey swats him playfully and they run all the way to Pirates of the Caribbean.

 

A lot of the summer is quiet and easy. Rey and Ben lay by the pool and listen to music, and Ben reads her the Hunger Games which is scary but _really_ good. She can almost forget why she’s here. Almost.

 

Because summer in Marin is easy, it’s what she’s always done. So when Leia comes home one day to let Rey know she’s fully enrolled in school for the fall, Rey’s stomach drops.

 

“Everyone switches for middle school, so you won’t be the only new kid; it’s a whole new school for Ben, too.”

 

“Right,” Rey says.

 

In an instant, Ben’s beside her.

 

“It’s gonna be okay,” he says, picking up on her tone before she even had a chance to consider what her face looked like--that maybe she should be pretending to be happy.

 

Rey’s not very good at pretending anything.

 

She nods at Ben, who takes it as confirmation that she’s okay for now.

 

“Then how about pizza for dinner,” he says, he knows it’s Rey’s favorite. “Please?”

 

Leia smiles and picks up the phone.

 

Rey mostly sleeps in Ben’s room; she’s not sure why she can’t sleep in her bed. It’s the same mattress Ben has. Faces the same side of the house.

 

But she just lies awake, terrified to close her eyes. Knowing that what she will see when she finally does is her dad’s face, sometimes throwing his arms up as headlights blind him. Sometimes looking down at her with a serious mouth but laughing eyes. Sometimes he is crying.

 

She doesn’t see him at all when Ben is next to her.

 

~~~

 

Middle school freaking _sucks_.

 

For some reason this, above all else, makes her situation real.

 

Leia drops them off in front of a massive building. Ben and Rey both have to tilt their heads to see the top of it.

 

She’s always had one classroom, one teacher, and now she has six. She starts her day on one side of the building and ends it on the other, with a lot of running around in between.

 

She has a list with all of the classroom numbers and a map and her teachers names.

 

It’s a lot.

 

She has three classes with Ben but they’re all later in the day, so she spends the first part of the morning panicked.

 

Leia was right about kids coming here from a variety of middle schools, but they still seem to _know each other_ in some capacity. Everyone has _someone_ they’re leaning on, whispering to.

 

It wouldn’t be so bad if she had all her classes with Ben.

 

By the time lunch rolls around, she’s relieved to spot him in the far corner of the massive cafeteria. He’s sitting with a short, olive skinned boy and a taller redhead. The three boys are huddled together talking, but Ben smiles when he sees her and waves her over.

 

Rey slides in across from them with a shy smile.

 

“This is my cousin, Rey; this is Poe and Hux,” he points to the short boy first and then the redhead. Rey gives a little wave.

 

“Has today been ridiculous for you too, Rey?”

 

The question comes from Poe, which surprises her. His smile is easy going, and Rey finds herself reacting.

 

“It’s been the worst,” she admits. Poe flashes her a wide grin as Hux starts waving someone else over.

 

A short girl with dark hair and cool ripped up jeans sits down next to Rey.

 

“What a day, right? Oh hi, I’m Rose,” she says, sticking her hand out. “You must be Rey. Ben talks about you all the time.”

 

Rey warms at the idea.

 

“I am. It’s nice to meet you.”

 

Rose turns her head back to the boys and wrinkles her nose.

 

“You know Paige actually told me I’m not allowed to talk to her,” Rose says, shaking her head.

 

“Rose’s sister is over there,” Ben says, tilting his head.

 

The entire group looked over to a table full of eighth graders. They weren’t _that_ much older than them— but they looked so much bigger.

 

“Oh, Paige,” Poe said, batting his eyes toward the table. “When will she realize she’s been in love with me the whole time.”

 

“In your dreams,” Rose says, rolling her eyes. She looks annoyed. Rey likes her.

 

“What are we doing to celebrate after school?” Hux asks.

 

“Ice cream?” Rey suggests.

 

“This girl gets it,” Poe says, winking at Rey. Ben is just smiling, and he looks happy, at ease. It’s clear that having Rey join into his friend group is a source of comfort. His eyes light as they move between her and his friends.

 

She gets to finish the day with three classes with Ben, and one with Rose and Hux too, so it isn’t nearly as bad as the morning. By the end of the day she feels better. At least she knows where her classes are and where she eats lunch.

 

Everyone meets at the flagpole after school and they walk down another wooded, twisting road until they reach a little plaza down the way.

 

Rey is still impressed by all the trees. Marin has some of the biggest trees in the world, Ben told her.

 

It’s a warm afternoon, and the ice cream is a welcome respite after the long day. Ben sits next to Rey along the edge of a fountain outside the shop. Hux is chasing Rose while Poe laughs.

 

“I’m really glad you’re here,” Ben says softly. Rey turns to look at him.

 

His gaze has weight. He knows exactly what brought Rey here.

 

She shouldn’t say it, it seems blasphemous, as if she’s admitting that things are better this way, that she wouldn’t trade this life with Ben to have her dad back.

 

But the way he looks at her, there’s only one answer.

 

So she whispers, “Me, too.”


	2. Oct - Dec 2007

_Sleep don't visit, so I choke on sun_  
_And the days blur into one_ _  
_ And the backs of my eyes hum with things

 _I've never done_  


_Sheets are swaying from an old clothesline_  
_Like a row of captured ghosts over old dead grass_  
_Was never much but we made the most_ _  
_ Welcome home

 

_Welcome Home, Son - Radical Face_

 

_2007_

 

Leia makes time for Rey.

 

Leia makes time for Rey in a way that her dad never really did.

 

Luke and Rey had bonded by eating ice cream out of the carton and staying up until midnight. It was stolen moments, delights, and it always felt fleeting. _Hold onto this_ , Rey would think to herself as they powered through _Die Hard_ and _Robocop_.

 

Leia makes time for Rey; she pulls her out of school early to get her nails done. She takes her shopping nearly once a month, insisting on things that Rey would never have considered before. Expensive jeans with embroidery, and loose fitting, soft tops that _feel_ expensive.

 

Rey tries to tell her “no” at first, but it doesn’t feel like a discussion. Leia is the grown up, she makes the call. It’s clearly important to her that Rey have nice things, that she feel pretty and that her nails are done and her hair is sun kissed.

 

Rey doesn’t mind, it might not be what she’d choose for herself, but it means _time_ with Leia, and Rey feels like she has a mom for the first time in her life.

 

“I’ve always wanted a daughter,” she says one day, eyes sparkling down on Rey as they drink tea in a small shop with lots of plants hanging.

 

 _I’ve always wanted a mother_.

 

She doesn’t say it. It feels like it would be a betrayal, somehow, to her real mom. A woman whose face she only knows from pictures--whose voice she’s never heard.

 

Leia adores Rey, she lets her know it at every turn. Han does, too, but he shows it differently. He lets her sneak extra cookies. He lets her pick the movie they watch, and smiles with approval when she picks horror films that make Leia roll her eyes and threaten to leave the room.

 

Rey feels like part of _something_ _bigger_ , and she loves it.

 

She and Ben have beanbags on the floor and they make massive bowls of popcorn that Han tosses candy into, and they watch movies all together, laughing and screaming.

 

It’s not the same as the midnight flicks with her dad, but there’s a thrill to it she can’t quite place. A sense of community.

 

Both Rey and Ben have always had a penchant for mischief.

 

As small children they were always worse together, each spurring the other into sneaking sweets or _borrowing_ Leia’s expensive silk sheets to make a fort in the yard.

 

That energy still crackles between them, and they spend the last warm months of the year exploring the creek and the woods after school.

 

Rey is fascinated by the bugs and the frogs. Ben likes the way the light changes color when it comes through the trees.

 

The first time she realizes something is _off_ , it’s a sunny Saturday in late October. Ben and Rey spend the day walking through the damp mulch of the woods, collecting bugs and chasing each other, and they arrive home dirty and worn out and smiling.

 

They trudge into the kitchen for sodas, still laughing, when suddenly Leia’s voice cuts through the kitchen.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“N-nothing,” Ben says, shrugging.

 

“You’re getting mud all over the kitchen.”

 

Rey looks down, it’s true, they tracked mud in.

 

“I’ll clean it up,” she offers, trying to diffuse the situation.

 

“No,” Leia says, not even looking at her. Her gaze is locked on Ben, and Rey doesn’t like it--she _doesn’t like it_. “Ben can clean it up. It’s his fault, he knows better.”

 

“Really I can—“

 

“Enough,” Leia says, finally looking at her. Her eyes soften. “This isn’t your fault, Rey.”

 

“Mom I didn’t—“

 

“Just clean it,” Leia says.

 

“No,” Ben says. “You’re being ridiculous, I didn’t do it on purpose—“

 

“I said _enough_ ,” she snaps, but Ben won’t back down, Rey can feel it. He’s holding a glass in his hands and knuckles are white around it.

 

Rey rounds on Ben, puts her hands on his chest. They’re just about the same height now, she’s grown a lot in the last year.

 

“We’ll do it together,” she whispers. She’s begging him for something, she’s not sure what.

 

She can feel his heart racing under his ribs, his bones feel small under her hands, like she could push hard enough to break them if she tried.

 

Ben’s dark eyes find hers and he breathes slowly, nodding.

 

Rey keeps her hands on Ben’s chest until she hears Leia leave the room.

 

They wipe up all the mud in silence.

 

~~~

 

“You guys are so lucky you’re going skiing,” Hux whines.

 

They’re all at their usual table during lunch, it’s the last day before winter break.

 

Rey shrugs. She knows part of why they’re taking this trip is because usually the Solos go to Arizona for Christmas.

 

Rey _was_ settling in to a regular rhythm; she hasn’t been focused on missing her so dad so much, but the prospect of Christmas is bringing up all kinds of emotions.

 

Ben hears her crying in the shower in the morning and waits for her on her bed, looking like a kicked dog.

 

“I thought it was getting better,” he says.

 

“I thought so too.”

 

She can’t explain why sometimes she feels happy and sometimes she’s so sad she can’t breathe. She can’t explain the guilt to Ben, that everytime she feels grateful or thankful or dares to think that this life might even be _better_ than her old one, she’s setting something in place that she can’t move. It almost feels like if she could only riot against this reality, she could undo it.

 

But does she want to?

 

“Rey’s never been,” Ben says casually, but Rey can tell he’s got sharp eyes on her, gauging her reaction.

 

“I can’t wait to fall on my face,” she says with a smile.

 

“Please send us pictures if that’s the case,” Rose says with a laugh. Ben winks at her.

 

“You’re gonna have fun,” Poe says, “but I’m not jealous. We’re going to Costa Rica. While you guys are thawing your frozen toes I’ll be chilling with some monkeys on a white sandy beach.”

 

“Ugh, we never do anything that fun,” Rose says, pouting. “My entire extended family lives in the Bay Area so there’s no reason to travel.”

 

Hux nods sympathetically.

 

Rey is excited to go skiing. She just feels so _weird_ all week, even as school lets out and Han picks them up, smiling and bursting with excited energy.

 

Tahoe is closer than Disneyland is. The car ride seems easy in comparison. She and Ben watch _Shrek_ in the backseat and eat candy and Rey _marvels_ at the snow as they climb up and up in altitude.

 

It’s so pretty. She’s absolutely transfixed. Ben thinks it’s a little funny.

 

“It’s just snow,” he says when they’re walking from the car to the cabin.

 

“I’ve never seen it,” Rey says defensively. Ben throws a snowball in her face and laughs so hard he has to stop walking and clutch his side.

 

Rey maybe doesn’t _love_ snow.

 

The cabin is neat though, it’s not very big but that means she and Ben share a room, it even has bunk beds which Rey screams is _so cool_ as she pushes Ben out of the way to get the top bunk.

 

The house is all made of wood and it’s got cozy couches with big blankets and soft rugs covering nearly every inch of floor and a massive fireplace.

 

It looks like a picture out of a book about Christmas.

 

There’s a tree there already, a real one, and Leia brought a box full of ornaments and lights so they can decorate the tree together when the sun goes down.

 

Rey makes a snowman, Ben smashes it. She manages to peg him in the face with a snowball and he’s only mad for a minute, before he decides to show her how to lump all the snow into a massive pile and hollow it out.

 

They make a snow fort, huddle inside of it until their teeth are chattering and Leia is yelling for them to come in before they freeze.

 

They make hot chocolate and roast marshmallows.

 

Leia’s box of ornaments contains some of Luke’s--of Rey’s. Things she made for her dad in kindergarten; popsicle sticks with glued on sand and seashells; hand painted clay angels.

 

“You— you saved them?”

 

“Of course we saved them,” Leia says softly. Rey would never have thought of it. She hasn’t considered her tree decorations at all, but if she had, she certainly would have imagined they would all be gone. But they’re right here.

 

A heaviness blossoms in her chest, so big she panics at the idea of containing it, but she does. Her body holds it tight and she smiles, tears filling her eyes but not falling.

 

Not now, she doesn’t want to ruin this.

 

She turns away from Leia and goes to stand beside Ben instead. If she hugs Leia right now she will cry, she know it, but Ben is being goofy and pretending to kiss one of the elf ornaments while Han playfully swats at him and it’s a good distraction.

 

Good enough.

 

~~~

 

Skiing is hard. Leia makes Rey do _lessons_ the first day and the kids range in age from six to twelve, and Rey is almost twelve herself, so she’s in class with actual babies.

 

It’s embarrassing. Her instructor uses words like _pizza_ and _french fries_ to describe the way her skis should be angled.

 

It might not be so bad if not for the fact that Ben is _great_ at skiing. He’s obviously been doing this his entire life. He can go fast, down big hills. He _loves_ it, and so Rey is alone in her baby class.

 

She does eventually get to ski down a slope, she falls the first few times but she gets the hang of it after that.

 

It _is_ fun, just like Ben said-- _as_ _good as flying._

 

But she is still bummed that Ben is off exploring mountains while she’s stuck on the hill.

 

Ben’s clearly having too much fun to really miss her, which stings the whole first day, but on the second day he seems to remember she exists and begs her to come try a bigger slope.

 

“Nothing crazy, you have the basics now--come on, Rey. You can go _so_ fast on the bigger hills.”

 

Ben is begging her and she missed him yesterday; the idea of skiing without him seems _so boring._

 

“Okay, fine,” she says, casting a sideways glance at the class she’s supposed to be in. “But let’s go quick before he sees me.”

 

They shuffle of through the snow as fast as they can, Ben is giddy. He’s talking fast and using his hands— excitement spilling out of him.

 

“Wait ‘til you try this hill, oh, you’re gonna _flip._ It’s so fun.”

 

Rey is nervous, but she trusts Ben.

 

The hill is much bigger than what she’s been practicing on but it’s not horribly steep, and she sees a lot of kids younger than her on it so it can’t be _that_ bad.

 

She tries to _pizza_ and _french fry_ at the appropriate moments but it’s clear that she is a _lot_ slower than Ben.

 

He doesn’t seem to mind too much though, stopping with her when she loses momentum, and taking her hand when she wobbles.

 

“Yo, you should be on the bunny slope.”

 

Both Ben and Rey turn to the source of the words.

 

Two kids about their age have stopped to talk to them.

 

“Fuck off,” Ben says.

 

Rey feels simultaneously thrilled and terrified by Ben’s response.

 

“What the hell, man, I’m just stating facts. That shit isn’t safe, she sucks. People come down here fast.”

 

Rey knows Ben is going to do _something_ before he does anything at all, she can feel it.

 

“Ben, lets just—“ _let’s just go._

 

But Ben has reeled back and his arms have come up and he _pushes_ the other kid, hard. “What the fuck did you say, man?”

 

“What’s your problem, dude!” The other boy scrambles up and grabs for Ben and Rey screams.

 

Within seconds, and adult is there, pulling the boys apart.

 

Ben is huffing, red faced.

 

Rey knows that they’re in trouble. They’re being _escorted_ back to Han and Leia. She’s supposed to be in her fancy class, so she knows she’s in trouble too, or at least she thinks so until she’s looking up and Han and Leia who are both furious with Ben, so much so that she is forgotten.

 

Rey feels awful, it’s all her fault, she should have told Ben no. She wasn’t good enough for the bigger hill, but Han and Leia won’t even hear it.

 

Ben is screaming so much he starts crying before they get back to the cabin.

 

“No skiing tomorrow, you’re inside all day,” Leia says, taking Ben’s skiis and locking them in the car.

 

Rey tries to make herself small as Leia hauls Ben off and locks him in the bedroom.

 

“He can come out when he calms down,” she tells her.

 

“It’s my fault— I skipped class and I wanted to—“

 

“Rey,” Han says, shaking his head. “Ben knows better. This isn’t the first time we’ve had a problem with this. If you didn’t want to go to the class you should have just told us. It’s not a big deal.”

 

“He can’t get in fights; it’s dangerous and it’s unacceptable.”

 

Rey doesn’t disagree with Leia, but she also doesn’t see how taking Ben’s skiis and pushing him into a fit is helpful.

 

“Can I talk to him? Please?”

 

“No,” Leia says immediately.

 

“Leia,” Han says.

 

Rey has tears in her eyes, and she tries to look extra miserable.

 

“He might not want to talk to you right now,” Leia says softly.

 

“If he wants space I won’t bug him,” she promises. But she knows Ben would _never_ turn her away.

 

And he doesn’t.

 

When she whispers, asking to be let in, he opens the door.

 

He looks sad, his cheeks red and his lips swollen.

 

Rey closes the door behind her and then she wraps her arms around him.

 

“It’s my fault,” she whispers, but Ben shakes his head.

 

“It’s not. I shouldn’t have hit that kid and I would have just said sorry but— it’s my mom, she— she makes things worse.”

 

Rey nods. “I won’t ski tomorrow either, I don’t want to without you. We can stay in and play chess all day, okay?”

 

Ben gives her a watery smile.

 

“Okay.”

 

So they do.

 

~~~

 

Rey gets the hang of skiing after a few days. She can pace Ben on some of the more moderate hills, as long as there’s no crazy turns. She’s sore and tired at the end of every day and she loves it.

 

It snows on Christmas. Like some kind of movie scene. They decide to skip the slopes entirely, opting to spend the day inside opening gifts and watching movies.

 

Rey gets an iPod and a digital camera, she also gets new clothes and shoes, a backpack, books, and perfume from France.

 

Ben gets a PS3 and a bunch of new games, plus clothes and shoes and a backpack, too.

 

Han makes waffles and bacon and Leia gives each of them cards with a handwritten list of all her favorite things about each of them, and Rey has to choke back tears, she’s so happy.

 

She wonders suddenly if it was worth losing her dad for a life like this. She has two parents now, and Ben is basically like a brother but better because they never fight. It seems like a lot to gain for such a small loss.

 

As soon as she thinks it, she feels sick, and has to sneak into the back bathroom to throw up.

 

She prays silently, promising God that she didn’t mean what she said, and asking for forgiveness. She promises the universe that she will do _anything_ to have her dad back, even if it means giving this life up.

 

She repeats it in her mind until she believes it, and then when she comes out to the living room and sees Ben, smiling at her in his flannel pajamas, she repeats it again and again and again.


	3. June - Sept 2008

_do you recall, not long ago_  
_we would walk on the sidewalk_  
_innocent, remember?_  
_all we did was care for each other_  
  
_but the night was warm_  
_we were bold and young_  
_all around the wind blows_  
_we would only hold on to let go_  
  
Lean On - Major Lazer

 

2008

  
  
  
“Rey, come look at these brochures.” Leia’s voice carries from the dining room into the living room where she and Ben are watching _High School Musical_ .  
  
Rey looks over at Ben who shrugs, too engrossed by Troy Bolton to pay much attention to her.  
  
Rey rolls her eyes. Ben went on and on to Hux about how he didn’t care about _High School Musical_ and was never going to watch it. Naturally Rey made him.  
  
Naturally he loves it.  
  
Rey sighs and gets up from her beanbag chair, wandering into the dining room. There’s more windows in here; it’s bright in the late spring evening, and Rey has to squint.  
  
“What brochures?”  
  
“For camp.”  
  
“Camp? I’ve never been to camp.”  
  
“I know,” Leia smiles.  
  
Rey always spends six weeks with the Solos over summer, and then six weeks back in Arizona, maybe taking a day class like art or sculpture, but mostly hanging by the pool and spending time with her dad and friends before school starts up again. Didn’t Ben do the same?  
  
“Ben’s camp isn’t coed,” Leia says, sifting through papers.  
  
It takes Rey a second too long to catch on.  
  
“No,” she says, stepping back. “No please I— I just wanna stay with Ben.”  
  
“Ben’s been going to his camp since he was six, he’s not switching camps. They know how to handle him.”  
  
Rey blinks at Leia. A knot is forming deep in her belly.  
  
“What’s going on?” Ben asks from the doorway.  
  
“We’re trying to pick a camp for Rey.”  
  
Leia says it so lightly, so casually that Rey takes a step back, shocked. She must know that exactly how her words are going to effect Ben, she just saw their effect on Rey.  
  
“Can’t we go somewhere together?” Ben asks. “I don’t even wanna go back to camp this year, it’s kid stuff.”  
  
“You’re twelve, you _are_ a kid.”  
  
“Please,” Rey whispers, and her voice is trembling. If she’s away from Ben, from the only thing that makes this grief and pain bearable— something inside of her will break.  
  
This is very, very important.  
  
“Leia I— I can’t. Please don’t make me go away from him— I can’t sleep and I— I miss my dad— I miss my dad so much.”  
  
Rey dissolves into tears. It isn’t for show— they’re real tears— but Rey would normally hide them, would keep them far from Leia like this.  
  
“Mom, please,” Ben says, distraught.  
  
“I— I’ll call Nana Paddy,” Leia says, clearly a little shaken. She never sees Rey like this, probably assumes Rey has handles all of these ugly feelings like a champ.  
  
Her mind probably flashes to therapy bills.  
  
Leia leaves the dining room to call her mother and Ben crowds Rey.  
  
“It’s okay,” he whispers.  
  
Rey looks up, smiling now, wiping her nose.  
  
“It is now,” she sniffs loudly. “You’re welcome.”  
  
Ben lets out a watery laugh, eyes darting to the door.  
  
“You’re a genius.”  
  
Rey shrugs. She feels unsteady on her feet. She wasn’t lying about any of these feelings, but she’s become good at closing them off and dishing them out by the spoonful.  
  
This was just more like a whole cup. She’s tired.  
  
“Can we finish the movie?”  
  
Ben nods and follows her back to the living room, where they sink into their beanbag chairs and press play on the DVR.  
  
~~~  
  
Nana Paddy is _delighted_ they want to come spend the summer with her. She offers to keep them the entire break, and Leia is _delighted_  by this.  
  
Their grandmother has a lake house up in Washington, four acres of woods and three of farmland, and a view of the cascade mountain range. It’s beautiful, and Rey hasn’t been there in years, so it feels both very new and very familiar.  
  
The smell is what gets her first. She feels five again, pressing her face into the couch cushions for a nap, the smell of her grandmother all around her.  
  
This isn’t the house their parents were raised in. Nana Paddy bought this house a few years before she and Ben were born, a smaller home than the one she raised the twins in, but big enough for the family to visit.  
  
Rey and Ben each have their own room, connected by a bathroom.  
  
The bedrooms have sharply sloping ceilings, steep enough that Rey has to duck to reach the very edges of the room. It’s all dark wood and light paint and windows that look over the woods behind the house.  
  
It quiet, _peaceful_ , in a way that Rey can’t quite understand.  
  
They throw their bags down upstairs and race back into the kitchen, where Nana Paddy is making lemonade and hot dogs.  
  
“I pulled out every board game I could find, and bought a few extras, but there is a TV in the basement if you start to lose your minds.”  
  
Ben and Rey laugh softly as they’re each given a cup of lemonade.  
  
“But I want to see you outside! I know that camp of yours has you running around every day, Ben, I can’t send you back to your mother pale and weak with a melted brain from television. Deal?”  
  
“Deal,” Ben says.  
  
“Honestly, we love being outside, Nana, we want to.”  
  
“Good. This is the prettiest place in the world, you should enjoy it while you can.” She sets down a plate of hot dogs in front of them and smiles. “I’m so happy you’re here.”  
  
~~~  
  
Ben and Rey do love being outside.  
  
They’re old enough now to swim in the lake without needing an adult on the shore, as long as Nana Paddy is home and they are absolutely slathered in sunscreen. They mostly lounge on innertubes, bringing lemonade out in big cups with straws.  
  
Ben has so much sunscreen on that his skin looks paper white, the sun reflecting off him where he lies in his tube.  
  
They both have sunglasses on, floating peacefully.  
  
“This is so much better than camp,” Ben says, Rey can feel how peaceful he is, how at ease. It’s the calmest she’s felt him since she moved in.  
  
“Camp would have been cool if I could have gone with you, I bet.”  
  
“Eh, maybe. But this is better. Camp is a lot of rules and a lot of singing.”  
  
Ben’s face scrunches up at the memory.  
  
“I bet you have a lovely singing voice,” Rey says, laughing.  
  
Ben begins to sing a camp song, loud and off key.  
  
“OH WE KNOW HOW TO HAVE SOME FUN, WE KNOW LIFE’S BETTER IN THE SUN, AT CAMP WEEHAWKIN WE ALL SHOUT, WEEEEE KNOW WHAT FUN IS ALL ABOUT.”  
  
Rey is laughing so hard she can’t breathe. She kicks her feet in the water, splashing Ben until he stops.  
  
“Okay! Okay point taken, camp sounds like torture.”  
  
“Very close to it. The only good part of summer has always been seeing you.”  
  
Rey smiles. Something as warm as the sun on her skin burns from the inside. A sense of rightness.  
  
This is where she belongs.  
  
~~~  
  
Nana Paddy has bicycles for them. Ben has to raise his seat halfway through summer when he grows three inches overnight, officially overtaking Rey in height.  
  
They bike down into the little town where there’s an ice cream shop and a small cinema that plays old movies.  
  
They watch Casablanca and Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home and get turned away from _Pulp Fiction_.  
  
“No kids allowed,” but the guy who tells them this looks maybe three years older than them, max.  
  
Ben is pissed but Rey says they can ask to rent it, and that maybe Nana Paddy won’t realize it’s rated R.  
  
They go into town nearly every day, usually in the morning to get smoothies and just people watch.  
  
They always come home for lunch and end the day either swimming or fishing.  
  
On the rare rainy day, they watch movies in the basement, which is dark and smells like moth balls. More grandma-scented than anything else in the house, even their grandma.  
  
Once they order pizza, but usually Nana Paddy makes them huge, delicious meals like meatloaf and mashed potatoes or lasagna or chicken Alfredo.  
  
They read, usually on the porch, usually after dinner. They have a summer reading list they’re working through together. Either Ben reads out loud to Rey, or she reads to him. That way they can talk about the book.  
  
Rey realizes one day, while she’s listening to Ben’s voice crack over the words of _The Outsiders_ , that she never really has to worry about being all alone ever again.  
  
As long as Ben doesn’t die, too.  
  
The thought is sharp. She moves closer to him on the porch swing. It’s warm, but they have a blanket over their legs. Rey leans her head on Ben’s shoulder, but he shrugs her off, engrossed in the book and unaware of her morbid thoughts. She can’t really pay attention, just plays with a fraying thread on the edge of the blanket and tries not to cry.  
  
~~~  
  
Rey really notices that Ben is taller on the 4th of July. Nana Paddy takes them into town for the parade, and they get popsicles and poppers to throw at the ground.  
  
Ben can see over the crowd when Rey can’t and she’s forced to really look at him. He’s stretching out, it makes his shoulders and his wrists and his fingers and cheeks all look sharper. It makes his nose look bigger too.  
  
They go home for lunch and to swim for a few hours before going back into town to watch fireworks after dark.  
  
Most people live too far from the city center to see them from home, and Nana Paddy gives them a stern and incredulous look when they ask about lighting off their own.  
  
But it’s still fun, people are barbecuing all around them, and they have sparklers to hold and ice creams to eat and the fireworks are loud and massive enough to make both kids squeal.  
  
They make it back home tired and aching from the long day.  
  
“Can I sleep with you?” Rey asks. The beds here aren’t as big as the ones they have at home, but Rey’s already spent half her nights in Ben’s anyway.  
  
“Yeah duh, just shower. You smell.” He’s distracted as he comes inside, looking for the book he was reading.  
  
Rey makes a face at him but she goes to shower anyway. Ben takes one after her, so she curls up in his bed with her wet hair pulled up so it won’t get her pillow wet.  
  
He takes longer than her, and she’s nearly asleep by the time he climbs into bed too.  
  
They have a strict no touching rule in bed, because otherwise they end up fighting over the space or tickling each other until they wake someone up. It’s not an issue in the queen size beds they have at home, but here they have to both squish to the edges of the mattress, and roll onto their sides facing each other.  
  
Ben lights a flashlight between them. His hair is wet too, and the light makes him look skeletal.  
  
“Are you tired?” he whispers.  
  
Rey nods her head, blinking sleepily.  
  
“A little bit. Why?”  
  
“I don’t want to go home.”  
  
Rey feels more awake at his words. She props her head up on her elbow, mirroring Ben.  
  
“Like, you wanna stay here?”  
  
Ben swallows, nods.  
  
“Only if you stayed too,” he says quickly.  
  
She can see the terror in his eyes, feel it flash through her mind and her heart— the idea of being apart.  
  
“What about your parents?”  
  
“Do you really think they’d miss me? You— probably. I can’t blame them for that, anyone would miss you. But my mom— she wouldn’t miss me really. My dad might but I think he’d be fine.”  
  
Rey flinches at Ben’s words, shakes her head.  
  
It’s a nice thought: an endless summer, endless sunny days on the lake, reading, eating, playing.  
  
But it’s not reality.  
  
“They won’t let us,” she says.  
  
Ben is quiet for a minute.  
  
“I know,” he says, sighing. “But I can still wish for it.” He bites his lip and then looks up at Rey. “It’s not so bad anymore though, with you there. I used to feel so alone all the time and now.....” He shrugs. “I almost never do.”  
  
Rey nods emphatically. She knows exactly what Ben feels.  
  
“I know. Me too.”  
  
They’re quiet, Rey was exhausted a few minutes ago but she feels like she’s buzzing now. Ben seems to have calmed down though.  
  
“Night, Rey,” he says, and he turns off the flashlight.  
  
~~~  
  
“You two remind me so much of your parents. It’s like having twins again.”  
  
Nana Paddy tells them this while they’re eating eggs and potatoes in her dining room.  
  
“They were so close when they were your age, just like you two.”  
  
The idea of it comforts Rey, that they’re all connected, she and Ben and Nana Paddy and Aunt Leia and her dad— that he’s still here somehow, present with all of them.  
  
It’s their last day at Nana’s, and Ben has been uncharacteristically quiet all morning. He’s tense, and it makes her want to grind her teeth.  
  
“Having you kids here this summer was such a treat for me. It just goes so fast— you have no idea yet but you’ll see. You’ll blink and all of this will seem far away.”  
  
Rey thinks she knows what she means. Already her memories of her life with her dad seem farther away she ever expected.  
  
They’re all packed up, so when the cab pulls up to take them to the airport, Nana Paddy hugs each of them for a full thirty seconds and makes them promise that they will come back.  
  
Ben is tense the whole way to the airport and as they go through security and get to their gate. He hardly says a word the entire time.  
  
“Ben,” Rey says gently, and he turns from the window he’s been staring out to look at her. “Are you okay?”  
  
“Sure,” he says, but Rey knows he’s not.  
  
He _does_ try to act like he is, after that. He and Rey play with the little burner phone Leia gave them for the trip. They won’t be allowed to keep it once they’re home, but it’s a welcome distraction while they wait. He makes jokes on the plane too, and they watch the same thing - _The Incredibles -_  on their mini screens. The flight isn’t very long, so it’s midday when they land and get their bags and walk into the warm California day.  
  
Leia is waiting for them in her car just outside baggage.  
  
She seems genuinely excited to see them, and Rey fills the silence she can tell Ben needs by giving Leia a play by play of their entire summer.  
  
When they get inside Leia gawks at them.  
  
“You both shot up like weeds! Ben you’re my height.”  
  
It’s true. Leia isn’t very tall, but Ben caught up, even passed her a bit.  
  
He blinks in surprise at this.  
  
“Well, do you kids want a snack? Dinner’s not for a while.”  
  
“No, mom, I just wanna go play video games and chill out.”  
  
Leia’s eyes narrow at Ben.  
  
“Just be back here for dinner at seven.”  
  
“Sure, whatever,” Ben says, and he turns to take the stairs two at a time.  
  
Rey feels her throat get tight as Leia mutters something about _typical_ under her breath, and it finally clicks— the strange peace she’s felt radiating through her all summer— it was Ben. Ben’s own peace at being on his own, away from his mom. She can feel how much his entire energy has shifted now, being back here, and she hates it.  
  
“I need a little nap, I think,” she says, but Leia is already walking away, and Rey might as well be talking to no one.


	4. Sept - Oct 2008

_come a little bit closer_   
_hear what I have to say_   
_just like children sleepin'_   
_we could dream this night away_   
  
_but there's a full moon risin'_   
_let's go dancin' in the light_   
_we know where the music's playin'_ _  
_let's go out and feel the night

 

_Harvest Moon - Neil Young_

 

_2008_

 

The start of seventh grade is smoother than the start of sixth. Rey has an idea of what to expect, of which hallways have math classes and which have history and English. She knows which foods to avoid in the cafeteria and which to get there early for. She even _missed_ it here. A little.

 

There’s a new kid in her grade and he’s in four of her classes. She notices him right away but they don’t talk until the second week of school when he sits down next to Rey.

 

She glances over when he’s opening his binder and her eyes go wide.

 

“Did you draw those?” she asks.

 

The boy turns to her, clearly surprised to be addressed. He nods, smiling sheepishly.

 

There are drawings of of all of the _Family Guy_ characters and the _Aqua Teen Hunger Force_ gang and classic _Looney Tunes_ and _Rugrats._

 

“You’re so good,” Rey says.

 

“Thanks,” the boy says, “I’m Finn.”

 

“I’m Rey. Did you just move here?”

 

“Yeah, over summer. Used to live down south.”

 

“Well, welcome. You can have lunch with us if you want.”

 

“Us?” Finn asks, looking around. Rey giggles.

 

“Me and my cousin and our friends.”

 

 _Cousin_ feels like a weak word to describe what Ben is.

 

She isn’t sure what word would fit.

 

They spend the first three periods of the day laughing. Finn is hilarious--he makes the funniest facial expressions and he knows all about her favorite cartoons and he’s a Neopets expert. She wants him to come over to play that weekend.

 

Finn follows her to lunch, easy smile on his face.

 

“Hey guys, this is Finn. He’s new.”

 

“‘Sup,” Poe says, reaching a hand out. “I’m Poe.”

 

Finn shakes his hand.

 

“The ginger is Hux, this lady here is Rose, and the grumpy-looking one is Ben.”

 

Rose waves; Ben sneers.

 

“Finn and I have like every class together,” Rey says, sinking into her seat at the table.

 

Ben’s eyes narrow. She looks at him and tries to will thoughts across to him.

 

_What’s wrong? Why is scowling at her?_

 

She isn’t sure, but he’s quiet for the first part of lunch.

 

When he finally does talk, Rey wishes he would go back to sulking silently.

 

“Why did you move here?” Ben asks, and the tone is somehow sharp.

 

Finn looks uncomfortable, he shrugs.

 

Rey cuts in.

 

“Finn is a crazy good artist,” she says. Rose hums in interest, scooching closer.

 

Rey and Rose admire Finn’s drawings, Poe leans over too.

 

“Nice work,” he says. Finn seems a little surprised by all the attention.

 

Ben is still scowling.

 

Rey isn’t sure what’s going on, but her knee-jerk reaction is to go to Ben, to whisper to him, to beg him to be happy. To make him happy somehow.

 

The bell rings a few minutes later, Rey spends the last bit of lunch trying to burn her thoughts into Ben’s head, but he’s not having it.

 

She only has one class with him this year, and it’s History, the last one of the day.

 

He still sits next to her, still rips out a page from his notebook for her as he does for himself. But he’s _off._

 

Rey hates it. _She hates it._

 

He’s pretending to be focused on the lesson but she knows he’s not really.

 

The bells rings and they leave the classroom together. She doesn’t press him yet.

 

Not in the car on the way home, or when Han makes them sandwiches and sends them off to do homework, not even as they watch TV after dinner and get ready for bed.

 

Once it’s dark, once she hears Ben settle into his bed and she says goodnight to Han and Leia, she enters Ben’s room through their shared bathroom.

 

“Ben,” she says softly. She has no real reason to think he will turn her away, but she feels like he _might_ and it’s so _awful_ she can’t stand it. “Can I— can I sleep with you?”

 

“Yeah of course,” Ben says, and he’s already on his side of the bed.

 

It’s so much bigger than the little ones at their grandmothers. They fit easily, she has to scoot closer to him to his face in the dark.

 

“Are you mad at me?”

 

“No,” Ben says softly.

 

He’s growing so much faster than her now. She can see the way he takes up more space than he used to.

 

“You can’t lie to me,” she says. “You promised you wouldn’t lie to me.”

 

“I’m not. I’m not mad at _you,_ I just—“ he shrugs.

 

Rey scooches closer.

 

“Please tell me what’s wrong, Ben. I hate this.”

 

“Nothing I just— I have like no classes with you all day and it sucks, and then you make a new best friend who has like, every fucking class with you and I just— it sucks. I don’t have anyone.”

 

“Ben,” Rey whispers, and he’s the one who moves closer this time. His eyes are bright and wet looking in the darkness. He smells like home. “You’re my best friend. You’re— you’re everything to me, I— I _hate_ not having classes with you. All I did with Finn all day was talk about you.” Ben softens next to her. “You know, you have all these friends from forever and Finn is new like me, you know? You’ve known Poe and Hux and Rose forever and I— I want that too. It doesn’t mean anything, you’re my best friend. You’re my _best friend,_ Ben.”

 

Rey reaches between them and takes his hand in hers. His hand is bigger than hers now, too.

 

“Forever, right?”

 

“Forever,” she promises. “Ben. No one will ever mean more to me than you. The only person who ever did is dead.”

 

Ben looks at her, so serious. Her words are heavy between them.

 

“I love you, Rey.”

 

“I love you, Ben. You’re my family, you’re my _favorite_.”

 

He nods, and she can _feel_ him calm down, can feel his energy level out, wash over her.

 

She feels calm for the first time since lunch. The weight of relief makes her eyes close, and she’s asleep within minutes.

 

~~~

 

Rey adjusts her long black wig, looking in the mirror.

 

The look is nearly complete. She’s dressing up as Samara from _The Ring_.

 

Her white dress is stained with mud--Ben helped her get it dirty. And her facepaint is as good as she can get it. She almost calls Finn to have him come help her like he did yesterday, but he’s busy with soccer on Saturday mornings.

 

They all dressed up at school the day before, but today is _actually_ Halloween and Han is taking them to a real haunted house.

 

Not kid stuff--legit scary stuff. Rey can’t wait.

 

“Are you done yet?” she calls into the bathroom.

 

“No. I can’t get this stupid eyeliner. It fucking hurts.”

 

Rey doesn’t really wear eyeliner either, but she didn’t have a problem caking it on her own eyes earlier.

 

She rolls her eyes and goes into the bathroom. Ben is in his Captain Jack Sparrow costume--his dreadlocked wig is in place, he has all the ruffles, but his eyes are red and watering.

 

“Sit, you’re too tall,” she says, and Ben sits on the closed toilet seat, handing her the eyeliner.

 

He keeps flinching, so she has to hold his face with her free hand.

 

“Relax,” she says. “Don’t you trust me?”

 

Ben takes a slow breath and then nods, finally letting her work. She painstakingly starts to line his eyes with dark black.

 

He blinks as she finishes, craning his head to look in the mirror. He nods in approval, pulling his pirate hat on.

 

“Thanks. Now let’s get out of here.”

 

Rey can’t argue with that.

 

~~~

 

The haunted house is pretty scary, but Rey was ready to be scared. She loves horror movies, she even likes jump scares, and this is a lot of both those elements.

 

She loses Ben somewhere in the first ten minutes, all of the people are shuffled in different directions.

 

She goes through a dark hallway where some kind fabric lines the walls, and hands reach through to grasp at her. She squeals and laughs and takes off down the hall.

 

Someone covered in blood jumps at her she screams, doubling over with laughter once she’s clear out of the way. She’s trying to catch her breath, walking down a too quiet hall when she sees him.

 

Ben.

 

He looks absolutely terrified.

 

“Ben?”

 

He turns to look at her and his eyes are wide. He looks close to tears.

 

“Rey,” he says, and there’s such relief in it. “I— I fucking hate this.”

 

She’s nodding before she can even speak, closing in on him and hugging him.

 

“I’ll lead us out,” she whispers, and Ben takes her hand to follow her. His palm is so sweaty, but he obviously feels braver with Rey by his side, and her laughter makes him— not _laugh_ — but at least makes him look at her incredulously. Somewhat removed from the terror he seemed to be experiencing earlier.

 

They do finally make it out, and when they do, Han is waiting for them. He’s holding three giant, bright orange puffs of cotton candy.

 

“Oh heck yeah, you’re the best,” Rey says, grabbing hers and Ben’s and handing his to him.

 

“So what did you kids think? Scary?”

 

Ben isn’t tense around Han the way he is around Leia, but Rey can feel his desire to be honest warring with his desire for Han to approve, so he just shrugs.

 

“It was okay--Ben was braver than me.”

 

Ben gives her a curious little glance, and she doesn’t miss the way Han’s eyebrow raises in mild surprise, but when he speaks his tone is soft. She doesn’t feel like she’s on eggshells when Han is talking to Ben, that’s something.

 

“I knew you kids would love it. Hopefully it scared you _a little_ bit, otherwise these guys are really bad at their jobs.”

 

“They should start looking for other employment. Honestly, Han, I think we might be too old for stuff like this. I say next year we skip it.”

 

Han just chuckles and says, “Whatever you say kiddo. Wanna do the hayride?”

 

Ben squeezes her hand in thanks, and they eat their cotton candy in big, sticky bites as they ride around the adjacent pumpkin patch on bales of hay.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. March - June 2009

_ over the ramparts you tossed  _

_ the scent of your skin and some foreign flowers, _

_ tied to a brick, sweet as a song  _ __  
_ the years have been short but the days were long _ __  
  


_ cool of a temperate breeze from dark skies to wet grass  _ _  
_ _ we fell in a field it seems now a thousand summers passed _

_ when our kite lines first crossed, we tied them into knots  _ _  
_ _ and to finally fly apart we had to cut them off _

__

_ Pink Bullets - The Shins _

_ 2009 _

 

Rey turns thirteen over spring break. It’s a quiet, sunny day, and when she and Ben come downstairs there’s cake and a few wrapped gifts and a smiling Han and Leia. 

 

They did the same thing for Ben’s birthday back in November. 

 

“I can’t believe both my kids are teenagers,” Han says, shaking his head, “Heaven help us all.”

 

Rey does feel a little bit—  _ different _ . Not physically, really, but something inside her feels a  _ little _ changed. 

 

It’s odd to be aware of your childhood disappearing. 

 

Leia lights a candle and everyone sings to her. 

 

She isn’t sure what to wish for at first, she has everything she needs and most of what she wants except— 

 

_ I wish Ben and Leia wouldn’t fight so much.  _

 

She blows out the candle and smiles. Cake for breakfast is a treat indeed, and she and Ben smile through mouthfuls. 

 

~~~

 

They’re going to the movies to see  _ I Love You _ , _ Man _ with the whole gang. 

 

Leia drops them off at the mall with a reminder to  _ behave  _ and a tight smile. 

 

Rose, Finn, Hux and Poe are waiting for them. 

 

“What should we do first?” Hux asks once they’re all together. “The movie isn’t for an hour.” 

 

“I’m hungry,” Rose says. 

 

“Let Rey pick, it’s her birthday,” Finn says. 

 

“I want Johnny Rockets,” Rey says with a smile. 

 

They head into the retro diner where the hostess looks down at them (most of them, Ben has an inch on her) and sighs deeply, clearly not thrilled with the prospect of tending to a group of barely teenagers with no adult supervision. 

 

She leads them to a big table at the back. Rey sits in between Finn and Rose, right across from Ben. 

 

They all order milkshakes and get three orders of French fries for the table.

 

Hux dips his fries into the milkshake and Poe makes a gagging noise. 

 

“What kind of white people nonsense is that?” 

 

Hux goes red. 

 

“What? It’s really good?” 

 

“It can’t be,” Finn says, his face wrinkled in disgust. 

 

“I’ll give you five dollars if you try it,” Ben says, smiling. 

 

“He’s hoping you’ll puke,” Rey warns Finn. 

 

“True, but my offer still stands.” 

 

Finn considers this and then shrugs. He takes a fry and dips it into his shake, wincing. Then his eyes open. 

 

“Well fuck me sideways,” he says, “that’s really good. Also cough it up Solo.” 

 

Ben looks put out as he hands Finn a crumpled five dollar bill, but everyone else rushes to dip their fries into their shakes. 

 

The general consensus is that it’s amazing, and most of the remaining fries are eaten slathered in ice cream. 

 

They pay for the food and leave an unholy mess for the poor waitress, and then they run across the mall to make it to the movie on time. 

 

Rose tugs on Rey’s sleeve while they’re waiting to buy tickets. 

 

“Hey, can you make sure I sit next to Ben?” 

 

“Why?” Rey asks, confused. Rose blushes. 

 

“Okay don’t tell him this, promise?” 

 

“Yeah,” Rey says, still not sure what’s happening. 

 

“I kind of have a little crush on Ben,” Rose whispers.

 

Rey blinks down at her friend. 

 

_ A crush? On Ben?  _

 

“You won’t tell him, right?” 

 

“No, of course not. I mean. Why would I? If you wanna sit next to him that’s fine.” 

 

“Oh thank you Rey, he always wants to sit by you so I just figured if you like, scooch at the last minute... you know?” 

 

“Sure,” Rey says, but she feels weird. 

 

She has never really thought about any of her friends as cute. Was that odd? A lot of girls her age talked about boys all the time. 

 

Rey eyes her friends as they finish getting tickets and stand in line for sodas. 

 

Finn is cute, she guesses. So is Hux and even Poe. But still, if she were being honest, Ben is the cutest. 

 

Obviously she doesn’t  _ actually _ think Ben is cute it’s just, well, compared to everyone else...

 

“Hey space case, you coming?” Poe’s voice cuts off her thoughts. She scrambles after the rest of her fiends, already a few steps ahead. 

 

Just like Rose said, Ben automatically goes to sit by her. 

 

She doesn’t want to give her seat to Rose but she can’t  _ really _ do anything, since she said she’d help. 

 

So she scooches at the last second. 

 

Ben gives her a weird look but shrugs, turning to the screen as the previews start. 

 

But Rey feels weird all through the movie. She doesn’t like thinking about Ben being cute, it’s gross. It’s just gross because he’s basically her brother. And it’s okay to be a little jealous of someone wanting his attention, right? Ben was jealous of Finn when he and Rey first became friends. That wasn’t that weird. 

 

So why does she feel guilty? 

 

She doesn’t know, and she doesn’t want to think about it. It was, after all, her birthday. 

 

So she tries to just focus on the movie instead. 

 

~~~

 

It’s just bad timing. 

 

There’s only two weeks left of school before summer break when it happens. 

 

If it had been earlier in the year well, it’s possible it would have played out differently, it’s possible Leia wouldn’t be fuming at them like this. 

 

The fight starts at lunch. An eighth grade boy Rey has never seen before pushes Ben as he walks by. 

 

Ben is already having a rough day, he snuck a DS into homeroom where it was confescated by Mr. Cornato who told Ben he could only have it back if his mom came and got it. 

 

It was as good as gone. 

 

“Yo, what the fuck,” Ben says, making the other boy turn around. 

 

Ben’s eyes have darkened and Rey can feel his energy shifting, a hot vibrato pulsing. He’s eggshells and needles. 

 

“Ben,” she says quietly. “Don’t.” 

 

“Yeah Ben, listen to your mousy little girlfriend and fuck off.” 

 

Ben swings. The other boy is on him too, and Rey doesn’t think— just puts herself in the middle. 

 

Her hands are on Ben who softens at her touch, pulling her away instead. 

 

It’s the same sheer panic she felt while skiing but worse, because she knows now— she knows. 

 

A teacher is on them. They’re all led to the principals office. Parents are called. 

 

And if it had been winter break, or even just a month sooner, maybe leia wouldn’t be saying this. 

 

“You’re going back to camp.” 

 

“I hate that fucking camp,” Ben grits out, he’s in the front seat of the car and they’re pulling up to the house. 

 

“Good thing that’s not the camp you’re going to, then,” Leia says. “We found something that will help you with these— anger issues. Something with more discipline.” 

 

She park the car in the driveway. Rey can’t move. 

 

Ben gets out fast, and Leia follows. 

 

Rey moves slowly, dreamlike. She feels invisible. 

 

“That’s bullshit, you said we could go to Nana’s—“

 

“I said you could go to Nana’s if you could keep your shit together. That’s clearly not what’s going on.” 

 

“I hate you,” Ben says. 

“And I love you, Ben, that’s why I’m doing this. I know what’s best—“ 

 

Ben laughs, bitter and ugly. And then he storms away. 

 

Rey and Leia are still standing outside the house. 

 

Slowly, her thoughts come back to her, and then in a rush. 

 

She got them out of this last year. She can do it again. 

 

“Leia please I— I don’t wanna spend the summer away from Ben. I— you know I still miss dad so much and—“ 

 

“Enough,” Leia turns to her. “This isn’t about you, Rey. This is about what’s best for my son. If you need therapy, I’ll find you someone to talk to, but don’t pull the dead dad card on me just because you’re not getting your way.” 

 

And she leaves Rey there, absolutely stunned. 

 

~~~

 

“It’s only ten weeks,” Rey says. They both have packed bags. They both have plane tickets, although Ben is going to boot camp in Utah and Rey is going to Camp Chickasaw in Indiana. “Ten weeks and we’ll be together again.” 

 

Ben doesn’t say anything. He’s just sitting on his bed, looking at his hands. 

 

Rey wants to cry. 

 

“Ben it will be okay— I— it’s gonna be okay.” 

 

She doesn’t like lying to Ben, and this feels like a lie. So she says something truthful. 

 

“I’m going to miss you,” she’s crying a little, too. 

 

Ben looks up at this, sighing deeply. 

 

“I’m going to miss you too.” 

 

Rey goes and sits next to him, takes his hand in hers, rests her head on his shoulder. 

 

“Ten weeks and then everything will go back to normal.” 

 

“Will it?” Ben asks her, playing with her fingers. 

 

“Of course,” Rey says, and why does every word that falls from her lips feel like a lie? She doesn’t know. “Of course it will—“ 

 

“Kids, lets go,” Han’s voice carries from downstairs. 

 

Ben looks at Rey and he looks scared. Rey feels it. 

 

“Ten weeks, and I’ll be waiting for you. It will be okay.” 

 

Ben nods slowly. She needs him to believe her, knows he doesn’t. 

 

When he gets up to grab his bag and head downstairs, Rey follows wordlessly. 

 

_ He will be okay. I’ll be okay.  _

 

It turns into her mantra for the entire summer, a loop in her mind for the ten weeks she spends so, so far away from Ben. 

 

_ We’ll be okay. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. August 2009

_you were inhabited_  
_speaking in tongues in the night_  
_I wasn't having it_  
_I could tell that something wasn't right_  
_why don't you come to bed_ _  
_ instead of stumbling into the light

 

_Olympians - Andrew Bird_

 

_2009_

 

Rey doesn’t hate camp. Actually most of it is pretty fun.

 

She gets to swim every day, and she _loves_ archery. She learns kickboxing and they do some arts and crafts and there _is_ _a_ lot of singing just like Ben said there would be but she finds she doesn’t mind it much.

 

It’s like living in a dream, a self contained reality. This isn’t her life, and yet it is. For ten whole weeks.

 

She misses Ben, a lot, but it’s easier not to miss him in a place where he has never existed. This camp is girls only and she can’t picture him here, so it’s easy not to.

 

She misses _home_ and the big trees and the sea and Ben, Ben, Ben.

 

But she isn’t miserable the entire time, which is a surprise.

 

She doesn’t hate camp.

 

But when the ten weeks are up and it’s time to go home, she’s so, so ready to go.

 

~~~

 

Rey knows she’s due back a few days before Ben. It’s the part of summer she’s been dreading the most, the lonely days she will have to spend at home without him.

 

So when, as they’re pulling into the driveway, Han solemnly tells her, “Ben’s home,” she foolishly thinks maybe it’s meant as a surprise for her. Even if his tone doesn’t give him away, the following silence sure does.

 

“What happened?”

 

“I’ll let him tell you.”

 

She can tell he waited until they were home to spring this on her, so as soon as the car stops she jumps out, leaving her bag behind.

 

She’s inside in an instant.

 

“Rey, honey, you got taller!” Leia greets her with a wide smile, and Rey allows herself to be hugged.

 

“Where’s Ben?” she asks, and Leia pulls back, lips thinning.

 

“In his room.”

 

Rey rushes up the stairs, she can feel Leia’s eyes on her the whole time, but she’s too jittery to do anything but _get to Ben._

 

She finds his door shut, and normally she would just push it open but she freezes, bites her lip, and knocks instead.

 

It’s quiet for a minute, and then Rey speaks.

 

“Ben? It’s m—“

 

The door is wrenched open before she finishes speaking.

 

Rey’s heart jumps.

 

 _Ben_.

 

“Rey,” he says, and he sounds so relieved to see her standing there instead of Leia. He grabs her hand and pulls her into his room.

 

“Ben, what happened? Why are you home?”

 

He looks so much _bigger_ , he’s been _tall_ for a year but now he’s got a layer of muscle overlying everything. He’s growing outward as well as up. He’s still thin, still a bit gangly but— there’s a new kind of strength there.

 

“What kind of camp were you at?” She asks dumbly, looking at his arms.

 

“Hell camp.”

 

His voice still cracks, but it’s so much lower. When did that happen? She is overwhelmed with both the relief of having him near her and anxiety at his buzzing energy.

 

“Tell me what happened.”

 

Ben sits down on the bed, he takes up more space than he had at the start of summer, Rey has the odd sensation of time slipping around her. As if she had only blinked and ended up here.

 

She comes to sit beside him; just as she did before they left.

 

“It was boot camp, you know? And I made it about eight weeks. We just ran drills and climbed walls and lifted weights while gross buff dudes yelled at us. I mean, it was shit.”

 

Rey winced. The more he talks the more she understands just how dramatically his register has dropped. Does she sound different? She doesn’t think so.

 

“And then you know, I was just on edge all the time. There’s no freedom at all, someone was always yelling at me, calling me weak, telling me to do better and I sort of snapped. I ended up beating the shit out of some kid— I mean he got me too.”

 

Ben points to a new scar on his chin.

 

It’s deep, Rey doesn’t know how she missed it.

 

“Oh Ben,” she whispers, and she leans up to kiss the red mark on his chin. Just a soft peck, the way she always had to all of his bad cuts. She doesn't even think anything of it.

 

Until she pulls back to find Ben staring at her, his brows pulled together and his eyes intense. She doesn’t know why she feels weird, suddenly. A small coil of shame.

 

But then Ben takes her hand, looking down at their fingers and the feeling disappears.

 

“I missed you,” he says.

 

“So much, that was awful.”

 

He sighs deeply, and she leans her head on his shoulder.

 

“We will figure something else out for next summer,” she promises. She can feel Ben nod, hands still clasped between them, her head rising and falling gently as they synchronize their breathing in silence, just happy to be together again.

 

~~~

 

Ben is different.

 

He looks different, he sounds different, but beyond that, something in him has shifted.

 

He can’t quite make eye contact with Leia, which would be almost unnoticeable except that Rey is always on high alert for any tension between them.

 

They hardly speak a word to each other.

 

Rey is used to a Ben who fights back. It’s unsettling.

 

“Leia,” Rey says, chewing a mouthful of baked salmon. “Can Ben and I swim after dinner?”

 

Ben looks up at his mom.

 

“You said I could be ungrounded when Rey got back,” he says.

 

Leia sighs and looks at Han, who raises his hands in a _you’re the boss_ kind of gesture.

 

“Sure,” she says.

 

Ben seems to perk up at this, and they finish their dinner quickly, running to change.

 

Rey has to dig through her suitcase to find the red one piece she’s been living in all summer.

 

She hears Ben on the stairs just as she’s looking for her towel, and she races after down soon after him.

 

He’s already in the pool when she gets outside, and she doesn’t waste time, jumping in at a run, pulling her legs up to create a maximum splash.

 

Ben laughs as he gets a faceful of water.

 

Rey rises to the surface to float on her back. Ben swims quietly around her.

 

“Did you have fun at camp?” he asks, and she suddenly feels like telling him the truth would be hurtful.

 

“Nah,” she says. “I missed you too much.”

 

Ben is quiet at that.

 

Rey moves to tread water instead, looking at Ben, who’s already looking at her.

 

He looks like he wants to tell her something.

 

“Are you okay?” she asks him, swimming a little closer.

 

Ben swims back a little.

 

“I’m fine, just tired. It’s been— a lot. Without you here. You have no idea how much easier it is when you’re here Rey. Facing her when it’s just me is— I hate it.”

 

Rey is nodding. She understands, she really does. She tries again to move closer to Ben but he dunks under the water and starts doing laps. Rey’s face twists with confusion.

 

Something is definitely off.

 

“Okay,” she says. “Do you wanna play a game? We can see can hold their breath longer?”

 

She’s trying to get closer to him but he’s all over the place.

 

“I don’t know,” he says, “that’s kind of kid stuff.”

 

“Right,” she says. Hurt and confusion digging into her ribs.

 

“I’m pretty tired anyway.”

 

He swims to the edge of the pool and jumps out, his back to her.

 

She can see how he’s rippled with new muscles. Rey looks down at herself. She is stronger too, now that she looks. Camp has made her arms toned and she knows there is the outline of abs under her bathing suit.

 

But on Ben it seems— ridiculous. She had never even considered that he would get even bigger, which was stupid of her, probably.

 

“Okay. I’ll see you upstairs,” she says.

 

But he doesn’t answer her, he’s already hurrying inside.

 

~~~

 

Rey takes a quick shower, just to rinse off the pool water and pulls on soft shorts and a tank top.

 

She looks at herself in the mirror, really looks. She can see the outline of her breasts now, which is new. They’re not big but they’re _there._ She bites her lip and then pulls out another T-shirt, slipping it over the tank top to hide anything— everything— and then she knocks on Ben’s side of the bathroom door.

 

“Come in,” he says. He’s sitting on the bed in basketball shorts and a white cotton shirt,

 

“Can I— can I sleep with you?”

 

There has only ever been one answer to this question, so when Ben is quiet, Rey’s heart breaks.

 

“Ben?”

 

“We can’t,” he sounds so sorry. “Leia— she told me— no more.”

 

“Since when do we give a shit what Leia says?”

 

Ben looks like he’s in pain, his eyes dart to his bedroom door and then back to Rey.

 

“I— I think maybe— I think we should just try—“

 

Rey turns on her heel and makes to storm out of Ben’s room, but his voice stops her.

 

“Rey.”

 

“What,” she spits. She’s close to crying, so she doesn’t look at him.

 

“You know I love you, right? More than anything.”

 

She blinks back tears, still staring at the door.

 

“Sure.”

 

She doesn’t wait for a response, she walks back into their shared bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

 

Why doesn’t he want to be close to her? What did she do?

 

She can’t figure it out, and she can’t fall easily into sleep in this stupid boat of a room, the sea angry below her. So she cries quietly instead, until eventually sleep comes to take her anyway.   
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. Sept - Oct 2009

_ oh I beg you, can I follow? _ __  
_ oh I ask you, why not always? _ __  
_ be the ocean, where I unravel _ __  
_ be my only, be the water where I'm wading _ __  
_ you’re my river running high _ __  
_ run deep, run wild _ __  
  


_ I, I follow, I follow you _ __  
_ deep sea baby, I follow you _ __  
_ I, I follow, I follow you _ _  
_ __ deep doom honey, I follow you

 

_ I Follow Rivers - Lykke Li  _

  
  
  


_ 2009 _

 

They have a full week before school starts, and they spend most of it at the beach. 

 

Three years of living in California has taught Rey how to surf, but she has never liked the water like Ben does. She prefers to lay in the sun, she does yoga on the sand, she dips in to cool off. 

 

Ben swims. 

 

When Rey wakes up in the morning, Ben is in the pool doing laps. 

 

He swims in the sea, at angle to the shore so he can go deeper, against the currents. 

 

It’s terrifying. 

 

The big waves here can be ruthless, but he doesn’t sit them out anymore, whether swimming and surfing. 

 

It’s obvious that Ben isn’t mad at Rey, whatever the distance between them is, it isn’t anger. 

 

He begs her to stay up late and watch movies with him, lets her pick the film and the snacks. 

 

He seems to go out of his way to show her he appreciates her, even though he won’t let her sleep in his bed anymore. 

 

She hasn’t asked again, she’s resolute. She just braces herself for sleepless nights, wakes up to the flash of headlights, the roar of rending metal— only it’s just the waves below, the moonlight bright on the sea. 

 

Leia takes her back to school shopping, she buys Rey four new dresses from Anthropology, six from Neiman Marcus, another dozen outfits from Urban Outfitters and American Apparel. 

 

She showers Rey in new makeup from Smash Box and Two Faced and MAC. 

 

Rey has never worn much makeup, but she likes getting it done at the makeup counter and a woman shows her how to do a  _ smokey eye with a neutral matte lip  _ and how to  _ highlight _ . 

 

It’s fun, and it makes Leia so happy. She gets Doc Martin boots and oxfords and a pair of Sperry Top Sider penny loafers and real Ugg boots that are so warm she wants to live in them. 

 

A lot of these things she has already, just in smaller sizes. The fact that she will surely still outgrow even these doesn’t seem to matter to Leia. 

 

Rey has a truly enviable closet, and she does like the time she spends with just Leia. 

 

“Leia,” she says, as gently as she can. They’re walking down the promenade of an outdoor mall. “Does Ben seem weird to you since he got back from camp?” 

 

“More so than usual?” Leia says, smirking at her own joke. 

 

“Yeah, more so,” Rey says, choosing to take her words at face value. Her palms itch. 

 

“He’s just a teenager, they’re all weird. You will be too, you already are. I can feel it. The two of you are going to turn me gray.” 

 

Rey frowns. Maybe Leia is right. She just always assumed she and Ben would be the constant— that nothing could shift them. 

 

“I was thinking though,” Rey says. “Maybe you and Ben could do something, like something he likes? I think it would make him feel really good.” 

 

“Oh?” Leia says, looking at Rey curiously. They’re about the same height now, Rey knows she will be taller soon. “Like what?” 

 

“There’s a comic book store in the city, I know if you took him he’d be super excited. Maybe just, you know, try to— just let him call the shots for a day. I think, if he feels like you’re seeing him, he won’t be so— so weird.” 

 

Leia considers Rey, and she feels her stomach flip. She’s not sure she’s not going to be yelled at, that Leia won’t tell her she has no right, that she isn’t  _ really _ her daughter and can’t speak to her like that. 

 

But Leia nods. 

 

“I think that’s a good idea, Rey. Thank you.” 

  
  


~~~

 

Leia does take Ben into the city, the Sunday before school starts. Rey spends the day with Han, helping him in the garage. 

 

He’s rebuilding an old car, and he seems appreciative of Rey’s ability to crouch down low and use her small hands to reach into small spaces. 

 

“You’re handy,” he tells her. “You should come help me out more often.” 

 

Rey agrees, she likes this. Plus it’s an excellent distraction. If she’s busy, she can’t worry about Ben. 

 

Han has a beer but she has Coke in a glass bottle which feels  _ similar _ at least in aesthetic and she likes the way it’s warm in the garage, the way the summer sun is bright outside but not burning as they work, Han’s old radio playing  _ The Rolling Stones.  _

 

He orders them pizza as the sun is setting and they sit on the back porch, looking out at the ocean far below. 

 

Han doesn’t talk much, but Rey doesn’t mind. It’s nice to sit in silence with someone when you love them. It’s just that the longer the silence stretches on the more she has time to worry about how Ben handled an entire day with Leia. 

 

When they finally get back Rey is so anxious she feels sick. She half expects Ben to storm up to his room as soon as he walks through the door but when he comes inside he seems calm, happy even. He smiles at her and holds up a bag of comics. 

 

“Wait til you see what I got,” he says. 

 

Rey’s relief is enough to nearly make her sob. She nods in excitement. 

 

“I wanna swim before bed though, can I?” 

 

“Thirty minutes, then sleep,” Leia says. 

 

Ben nods and rushes upstairs to change.

 

“I’m gonna swim too,” Rey says, as Leia goes into the kitchen for a glass of wine.

 

Rey doesn’t swim, she soaks.

 

The hot tub feels good after a day of crouching and kneeling on the cement. 

 

Ben does swim, though, back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. 

 

It’s the only thing that calms him down lately. 

 

“How was it with Leia?” 

 

Ben stops swimming and comes to tread water near the hot tub. 

 

“Okay, I mean it was pretty good. I think she’s trying, which is something. She wasn’t acting like a total dictator today.” 

 

“Good,” Rey says. 

 

Ben nods, his eyes seem to sort of dance over her, and then he’s swimming again.

 

Maybe Leia is right. 

 

Teenagers are just weird. 

 

~~~

 

Rey has three classes with Ben and three classes with Finn and only one with both Ben and Finn, but two with Rose and Ben. 

 

Overall, pretty lucky.

 

Rey signs up for track team the second week of school. She misses archery from camp, but that’s not an option at her school, and track seems like it could be fun. 

 

She likes running. 

 

Ben joins a swim team that practices at the high school three days a week, so she has nothing to do while he’s there anyway. 

 

Might as well run. 

 

Finn runs too, so it means the two of them can gossip and talk about cartoons and music for a few hours after school.

 

It feels good to talk to someone else. She ends up confiding in him a lot. 

 

She tells him that Leia scares her.

 

He tells her that his dad died, that’s why they moved. 

 

She tells him she’s scared for Ben. 

 

He tells her his mom still cries all the time. 

 

They tell secrets as summer turns into fall, and the oaks that cover the hillside turn the color of fire. 

 

It makes her feel less alone. 

 

~~~

 

During history one day, Rose leans over to with a grin that Rey doesn’t quite trust. 

 

“Does Ben ever like, talk about me at home?” 

 

Rey blinks at Rose, wondering for a second if she’s missing a piece of this conversation.

 

Then she remembers her birthday last year, and Rose’s crush on Ben. 

 

She feels her stomach knot up. 

 

Rose is her friend, so she has no idea how to gently tell her  _ no, Ben never talks about you  _ without sounding mean. 

 

She plays dumb instead.

 

“What do you mean?” 

 

Rose rolls her eyes but she’s smiling. 

 

“Like, has he ever said I’m cute, or pretty or whatever?” 

 

Rey blinks at Rose. 

 

“Oh uh, no. But Ben’s never said  _ any _ girl looks cute, or pretty, or whatever.” 

  
  


Ben is two seats over from her, next to Poe, and he’s engrossed in his notes.

 

“Well maybe just like, bring me up casually some time and see what he says? Don’t tell him I like you know just—“ 

 

“I don’t know, Rose,” Rey interrupts. “Thinking about Ben like that is—  _ gross _ .” 

 

Rose tilts her head. 

 

“You’re not going to be one of those girls who gets weird about her friends dating her brother, are you?” 

 

“Ben isn’t my brother,” Rey says. 

 

“Basically, you guys are pretty much twins.” 

 

Rey hates this entire conversation. She thinks about knocking all of the books off of her desk and screaming. 

 

It would feel very good. She’s boiling. 

 

“Can we just drop it? Please? I’m trying to take notes.” 

 

Rose shrugs and leans back over her paper, but Rey can’t even think. 

 

She just counts down the seconds until the bell rings, and then she rushes off to track. 

 

She doesn’t even wait for Finn. Just takes off running. 

 

She beats her personal best by a three minutes. 

 

~~~

 

Ben swims. And swims. And swims. 

 

Rey stands on the porch and watches him. 

 

It’s getting colder. He doesn’t seem to mind. 

 

It’s all he wants to do lately. 

 

Rey hates everything, suddenly and unexpectedly. 

 

She feels like the seed at the root of her life has rotted out. 

 

Most nights while Ben swims Rey will lay in the hot tub, sometimes she will swim around him, trying to annoy him.

 

Tonight she leaves Ben by the pool, annoyed by his very existence. 

 

She goes up to her room and plays music instead, sinking into her own misery. 

 

Suddenly, she misses her dad. 

 

She doesn’t  _ miss _ him often. She knows, even now, that missing him now is compounded from missing Ben, who is so close and yet so far away, and missing the idea of her own mother, and the mother she wanted to Leia to be, and the mother that Leia is. 

 

She feels fucking awful. She feels like a mistake. 

 

Rey cries, curled up in the window seat, leaning against the glass that terrified her so much just a few years before. 

 

The idea of falling doesn’t even seem that bad, now. 

 

She must be crying louder than she thought, because her door opens a few minutes later and Ben comes in. 

 

He’s fresh from the pool; still in swim trunks and nothing else. 

 

“Rey, what’s wrong?” 

 

Rey just shakes her head. She isn’t sure what’s wrong, she has no idea. 

 

“Nothing,” she says. 

 

Ben looks kicked, he winces. He crosses her room and sits next to her on the little ledge. 

 

“Rey, please tell me what’s wrong. I want to help.” 

 

But it isn’t easy like that, and she doesn’t have anything to say. Instead she leans into Ben and sobs. 

 

He wraps his arms around her, his skin is cool and tacky from the pool, and he smells like chlorine. His hair is long and tickles her neck when he curls over her.

 

She feels safe, her breathing begins to slow.

 

She allows herself to be held, to be felt and seen and understood. Eventually her breathing evens out and she pulls away. 

 

She half expects Ben to ask her to sleep in his bed, but he doesn’t. 

 

“I— I need to shower.” 

 

She nods, a feeling of finality settling over her. 

 

Ben disappears into their bathroom, and Rey climbs into her bed, alone. 

 

For the first time ever, she’s glad she slept alone, because when she wakes in the morning her sheets are covered in blood. 

  
  
  
  
  



	8. Nov - Dec 2009

 

_ and I'm not sure what the trouble was _ __   
_ what started all of this _ __   
_ the reasons all have run away _ __   
_ but the feeling never did _ __   
_ it’s not something I would recommend _ __   
_ but it is one way to live _ __   
_ cause what is simple in the moonlight _ _   
_ __ by the morning never is

 

_ Lua - Bright Eyes  _

 

_ 2009 _

 

It starts raining on Ben’s 14th birthday, a week before thanksgiving

 

It doesn’t stop him from swimming at first, but by day three he has resigned himself to not swimming, and by day six he breaks down and swims in the rain. 

 

Rey finds him in the early hours of the morning, before the sun is even up. 

 

It’s late November and the rain is icy. It’s too cold for swimming even if it weren’t raining. 

 

“Get out,” Rey says, her tone as cold as the wind. 

 

She has a towel in her hand, standing in leggings and a hoodie at the edge of the pool.

 

“You’re going to make yourself sick, Ben. Get out and get dressed.” 

 

Ben doesn’t argue with her. He’s nearly blue lipped when he raises out of the water and takes the towel, trembling. 

 

Rey waits for him by the front door, sneakers tied. 

 

“You’re coming running with me,” she says. 

 

Ben just nods, clearly eager for some kind of activity. Hungry for it, after all this bad weather. 

 

The sun is just coming up as they step outside, it’s still raining, but it doesn’t matter.

 

They head uphill first, winding up the mountain road away from the ocean, legs burning. 

 

Ben is not as fast as Rey, who does this all the time. 

 

But he gets better. 

 

Every day he runs with Rey in the morning, rain or shine. 

 

~~~

 

Ben still swims at the high school pool three days a week, but that’s indoors. Han drains theirs and covers it for the season the same day that Nana Paddy flies in for winter break. 

 

“My god you two are huge,” Nana Paddy says as she comes inside and looks up at both of them.

 

Rey has accepted the fact that she will never be as tall as Ben ever again, but she is also growing. 

 

Rey has a few inches on Leia, and Ben has about six on Rey.

 

Leia was the same size as her mother, Luke had been short too. 

 

Ben’s height seemed an anomaly. 

 

Rey wrapped her arms around her grandmother. She was  _ so  _ happy that Nana Paddy would be there all of winter break, her presence is always a neutralizing force. 

 

It’s storming outside, but Leia is calmed and distracted by her mother, and they make tea and begin chatting away, allowing Ben and Rey to slip upstairs. 

 

They have a game room up here, down the hall from their bedrooms.

 

Ben got a PlayStation for his birthday and was knee deep in Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown. 

 

Rey watches him play while she opens her laptop and checks on her neopets. 

 

And iChat message comes through as soon as she boots up. 

 

FinnAgain247: reyyyyy 

FinnAgain247: come to Poe’s 2nite 

FinnAgain247: he is having a party and just his older bro is here and he said we can alllll crash in the basement. 

FinnAgain247: sleep over Rey PLS COME

ReyInternet: okay okay lemme find out 

 

“Poe is having a party,” Rey says. Ben grunts, his attention still fully on the video game. 

 

He’s sitting on the floor below her. 

 

“Hello, did you hear me?” 

 

She runs her fingers through his hair and Ben leans into her touch.

 

“You know that distracts me,” he says, his grip on the controller going slack. 

 

“I know,” she smiles. “I want you to answer me.” 

 

“Mmm, Poe’s having a party, what about it? Leia isn’t going to let us leave.” 

 

“Maybe she will,” Rey says. Ben’s hair is so thick and soft, she loves playing with it. “He said we can all sleep there too.”

 

Ben drops the controller to lean back against her hand. He’s in a good mood, relaxed by the prospect of break and Leia distracted by Nana Paddy. 

 

“You ask, you’re better at getting your way.” 

 

“Okay,” Rey says, she bounds up off the couch. 

 

Ben whines when she stops touching his hair but she rolls her eyes and takes the stairs two at a time. 

 

“Aunt Leia?”

 

Leia and Nana Paddy are drinking strong smelling coffee in the kitchen. 

 

“Yes, darling?” 

 

“My friend Poe is having a few friends over tonight for hot chocolate to celebrate winter break, could Ben and I go for a bit? We don’t have to stay late, but if you wanted Rose offered to let us stay the night at her house.” 

 

Leia raises her eyebrows and looks at Nana Paddy. 

 

“We could stay up late gossiping,” Nana Paddy says. “Let the kids have their sleepover.” 

 

Leia looks up at Rey. 

 

“Okay, I’ll drop you off at Poe’s if Mrs. Tico can pick you up and bring you back here tomorrow.” 

 

“Totally,” Rey says with a smile. 

 

“Is there WiFi you can use at Poe’s? Bring your iPod so I can text you— and Rey?” 

 

“Yes?” 

 

“Keep an eye on Ben. Call me if he’s being— _you_ _know_.” 

 

Rey knows there is no universe where she rats Ben out to Leia but she forces her face into something serious as she says, “Of course.” 

 

~~~

 

Nana Paddy is the one who drops them off at Poe’s.

 

The house is clean and there’s lights on inside. It is clearly not a raging party, they’re not invited to those kinds of parties yet, and so Nana seems pleased enough when Poe opens the door waving. 

 

She leaves them with the promise that she will make cookies for them tomorrow.

 

Poe’s older brother Theo is sitting on the couch with two other guys who look about sixteen. There’s two bored looking girls hanging out too. 

 

“Hey, just don’t break anything and don’t do anything stupid,” Theo says, and he pulls out a little glass pipe and lights it. 

 

A thick, skunky smoke fills the air and Rey wrinkles her nose. 

 

“We won’t, relax Theo.” Poe rolls his eyes and leads them down to the basement. 

 

Finn, Rose and Hux are down there already. So is another boy Rey recognizes from school but has never spoken to, as well as Rose’s sister Paige and her friend Jess, who are both in 9th grade.

 

“This is Mitaka, he goes by Mitty. He lives next door, he hangs out sometimes, his brother is upstairs.” 

 

“Sup,” Ben says, nodding at the other boy. 

 

There’s bags of chips and a few big things of soda open, and pizza on the coffee table. 

 

Mitty and Hux are playing a racing game Rey doesn’t recognize, the graphics look old. 

 

“What system is this even?” she asks. “N64, classic.” 

 

Rey sits down next to Rose and grabs a bag of chips.

 

Paige and Jess are fiddling with an ihome, trying to get music going.

 

Finally the sound of M.I.A fills the room. 

 

Poe holds up a little glass pipe just like Theo’s and a little baggy of green stuff that Rey figures is probably weed. 

 

“Who wants to smoke?” Poe asks with a grin.

 

Ben is next to him in an instant, a goofy, ecstatic grin on his face.

 

“I’m in Dameron,” he says, and Poe gives him a delighted full faced grin. 

 

Rey looks at Rose who shrugs, and the girls wander over to watch as Poe crushes some of the dried plant and pushed it into the dipped center of the pipe. 

 

Poe shows them the little hole on the side of the pipe and how to cover it, and then he lights the weed and breaths in. 

 

He coughs when he lets it out, and the plume of smoke dissipates between them. 

 

He hands it to Ben, who takes it with a smile and does exactly what Poe does. He doesn’t hold back, and he coughs spectacularly, handing the little pipe to Rey who has a singular thought as she takes the warm glass. 

 

_ Fuck it. _

 

She takes the pipe and Ben lights it for her. She pulls the smoke into her lungs and it feels sort of like jumping into cold water, the instant breathlessness. 

 

When she exhales she can taste the earthy, acrid taste of the weed, and she feels a lightness course through her. 

 

She coughs too, but not as bad as Ben did, and then hands it to Rose, who looks unsure. 

 

“It’s okay,” Ben says to her, “if you don’t wanna.” 

 

“I do,” Rose says, and then she lets Ben light it for her as well. 

 

They pass the pipe around until Poe has to repack it, and then they pass it around some more. 

 

Rey doesn’t feel quite like she thought she would, she expected to be seeing things or unable to move but she’s just laughing  _ so _ much. 

 

Jess and Poe are playing Nintendo and Rose is knee deep in a bag of chips, listening to Mitty talk about aliens and how the moon is actually hollow, and people live in it. 

 

Rey is smiling so big her face hurts, she feels almost as if she’s going to fall off the couch, she has to hold onto it. 

 

They put on Austin Powers and Rey can hardly follow it, she curls up against Ben on the couch and he holds her hand, tracing patterns into her skin which feels so strange and tight and tingling. 

 

Rey  _ likes _ weed. 

 

“Yo, Poe,” Ben says, at some point. “I want more of that. Tell me what it costs, I love it.” 

 

Rey laughs from where she’s curled up against Ben. 

 

“Get me some too,” she says. 

 

“Duh.”

 

Suddenly Rose is there, on the other side of Ben, leaning on him too. 

 

She takes his arm and physically puts it around her shoulders, so that he is sandwiched between the two girls. 

 

Rey is a little annoyed by this, but it’s also  _ really funny _ and she almost feels embarrassed for Rose, for some reason.

 

“Uh— I feel stretched out,” Ben says, and he melts— just slinks down out of the girls grip and onto the floor. 

 

Rey is cracking up but Rose looks put out, pouting. 

 

“Oh shit Rey, Reyyyy—“ Ben whines. 

 

“What?” Rey says, kicking Ben playfully since he’s sitting at their feet. 

 

“Do the hair thing. Please.” 

 

“Hmm, what will you trade me?” Rey asks with a smile. She already knows of course she will do it, loves playing with Ben’s hair. 

 

Ben’s eyes are  _ so _ red and  _ so  _ low, it makes Rey snort. 

 

“What do you want?” he asks, voice rasping from smoking. 

 

“Mmmm I want to play GTA.” 

 

Ben’s eyes narrow at her. 

 

“All you do is run people over, you don’t even do the quests!” 

 

“I wanna run people over,” she says.

 

“What’s the hair thing?” Rose asks. 

 

Rey reaches down and plays with Ben’s hair and he smiles, pretends to purr like a car, and Rey cracks up.

 

“Oh I’ll do it,” Rose says. 

 

Rey narrows her eyes. 

 

“Rose, I wanna run people over,” Rey says, but Ben has gladly taken the free head massage. He’s scooched closer to Rose and Rey isn’t sure why it makes her pout. She tries to focus on the movie, but a few minutes later she hears Ben’s voice. 

 

“Sorry Rose, Rey just knows— Rey do the thing, you can run over anyone you like.” 

 

Ben leans back toward Rey, and she obliges him, and if she feels light as air, she’s sure it’s just the weed. 

 

~~~

 

They have to walk back in the morning, but that’s fine. They’re up early and it isn’t even raining. They’re used to running, so the walk isn’t even that bad, even if it does take them nearly two hours. 

 

They stop before they get to the house to make sure they aren’t sweaty and gross when they get inside, and then they say Rose’s mom dropped them off at the bottom of the driveway. 

 

The driveway is narrow, and not easy to turn around in. 

 

No one even thinks twice, and Rey feels an illicit thrill at what they have gotten away with. 

 

~~~

 

Leia and Han leave to run errands while Ben and Rey are upstairs watching Spirited Away. 

 

Ben has his head in Rey’s lap and she’s thankful for the attention. He had been acting so weird the last few months, she’s thankful for normalcy. 

 

Even if he won’t let her sleep with him still. 

 

Last night, curled up in a big pile with the rest of the kids, she had focused in on Ben’s breathing and let it lure her into sleep. 

 

She had missed it so much.

 

Ben is so tall that even with his head on Rey’s lap he still takes up the whole couch, and everytime he laughs he kicks the arm rest. 

 

Suddenly the door opens, and Ben jumps up as if he’s been shocked. 

 

It’s just Nana Paddy. 

 

“I’m going to make cookies, if you kids want to steal some dough.” 

 

She’s talking to both of them but she’s looking at Ben, and she can feel Ben’s whole demeanor shift. 

 

It’s not like they’re smoking weed  _ now,  _ she thinks, but he has a guilty sort of energy as he shrugs and they follow Nana Paddy downstairs. 

 

She doesn’t say much as they make cookies, but she’s watching Ben carefully, in a way that makes Rey wonder what Leia has said to her. 

 

She wishes her aunt would chill out, there’s nothing wrong with Ben, surely Nana Paddy will agree. Right? 

 

But there’s a glint in her eye that Rey doesn’t quite  _ get,  _ a curiosity of sorts. 

 

By the time Leia and Han return with sandwiches for lunch an hour later, she’s forgotten all about it. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	9. May - June 2010

_I have seen what the darkness does_  
_(say goodbye to who I was)_  
_I ain't never been away so long_  
_(don’t look back, them days are gone)_  
_follow me into the endless night_  
_(I can bring your fears to life)_  
_show me yours and I'll show you mine_ _  
_ (meet me in the woods tonight)

 

_Meet Me In The Woods - Lord Huron_

 

_2010_

 

Ben’s swim meet is canceled because his coach is sick, so he doesn’t head to the pool like he does most days after school.

 

Rey ditches track at the prospect of a sunny afternoon with Ben, and they decide to walk home.

 

It’s late May, and the sun is shining and the cherry blossoms are in peak bloom.

 

It only lasts maybe two weeks, but every time the wind blows, the air is thick with light pink flowers, a blizzard of soft scented petals.

 

Rey loves it. She launches herself at a run, grabbing onto high branches with her entire body weight; shaking each tree so severely that it sends a flurry of flower petals bursting over them.

 

She’s hanging from a branch feet dangling off the ground when Ben lunges for her. She squeals as he grabs her, hoisting her over his shoulder.

 

He’s tall enough that he wouldn’t have to jump for the same branches, easily the tallest kid in their grade.

 

Rey howls with laughter as Ben runs like that, she pounds at his back, insisting he put her down, and he does— once he’s out of breath.

 

Rey is _happy_.

 

They’re out of breath and pink cheeked when they reach the house, letting themselves in downstairs.

 

They’re not usually home this early, and it’s clear that no one is expecting them, that no one hears them come in at all, because Han and Leia are _screaming_ at each other.

 

They freeze, ears tilted toward the sound. They must be in the kitchen.

 

Ben looks at Rey and they quietly creep forward.

 

“That’s not what I said— you’re putting words in my mouth again,” Han says.

 

“No— I know exactly what you mean. You always do this, you pretend nothing is the matter because you’re too weak to man up and deal with _anything—“_

 

“There’s nothing to deal with Leia, he’s been doing so well. Swimming is an outlet, and you know how much better he is around Rey.”

 

Rey feels all the blood drain from her face. They shouldn’t be listening to this. _Ben_ shouldn’t be listening to this.

 

She takes his hand, shaking her head, and tries to pull him away, but he’s resolute. He just looks at her, unmoving.

 

Rey doesn’t want to be here— can’t do anything about it.

 

“You’re too hard on him, you’ve always been too hard on him—“

 

“Because I know what he is, I know exactly what—“

 

“He is _not_ your father.”

 

There’s a silence. Then Han speaks again.

 

“Your father was evil, Leia. Ben is— Ben is a good kid—“

 

“Oh? You don’t see it? You don’t _feel_ it? Really Han, I know you’re not the brightest boy but—“ Leia laughs, humorless and cold. “I can _feel_ it in him, the same anger. You didn't know my father, you don’t know. Ben is… Ben is so similar and I know how this goes. I won’t watch it happen. Not under my roof. I won’t raise a monster.”

 

Ben has gone white as a sheet.

 

He turns to Rey and he looks _confused_ and _hurt_ and then he’s pulling away from her, running as fast as he can— out the door.

 

~~~

 

Rey is fast, but Ben is faster. His legs are longer, and he’s stronger than Rey, especially since he’s been running with her on top of swimming.

 

But she can see him, she can see the way he heads behind the house, into the woods there.

 

They aren’t _big_ woods, not the kind you can get lost in. If you walk for half a mile in any direction you’ll hit someone’s yard, but it’s still big enough that she can’t see him when she breaks through the trees.

 

Panic, sheer and sharp washes over her.

 

She has no idea what Ben is going to do. Nothing would shock her right now.

 

It doesn’t take her long to find him though, she must trace his exact steps, because she sees him balled up at the base of a redwood tree, looking small against the massive trunk.

 

Rey sinks to her knees in front of him, the mulch digging into her bare knees.

 

“Ben,” she whispers, “Ben.”

 

He’s sobbing, hands clutching his hair. Rey puts her hand over his, touches his face, his neck. She whispers his name over and over until he pushes toward her, fists his hands in her shirt and leans his head on her shoulder.

 

She holds him.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Ben— my Ben, listen to me. Look at me, please.”

 

Ben takes a jagged breath and pulls back to look at Rey. He’s still crying. Heavy, silent tears.

 

“Fuck Leia. Fuck her. You’re _good_ , Ben. You’re so good— you’re the only one who matters to me. We don’t even have to go home. We can run away right now. We can stay here forever. Listen to me— listen to _me_ . Only me. You’re good. You’re so _good_.”

 

Ben curls up in a little ball, lays his head in Rey’s lap and continues to cry. Rey plays with his hair, she’s crying too, and eventually, finally, he seems cried out.

 

“What did she mean about her dad,” Ben asks softly, his voice rough.

 

“I don’t know,” Rey says. As far as she knows, their grandfather died of a heart attack when their parents were teenagers. “I have no idea. But we’ll find out if you want, I promise. I just—“ Rey is shaking. “I _hate_ her, Ben.”

 

She means it right now.

 

Ben is quiet for a minute, and when he does speak Rey’s heart breaks all over again, because all he says is, “I don’t.”

 

~~~

 

That night, Rey sleeps in Ben’s bed.

 

~~~

 

The end of the school year comes quickly. Rey is glad to be done with middle school, everything she’s heard says that high school is much better, even if it’s harder coursework.

 

Rey is going back to camp in a week.

 

So is Ben, but not the same camp as last year. He got into a prodigious swimming program and he doesn’t even seem upset about it.

 

“I’ll get to swim like, all day,” he says with a mouthful of cereal. “It’s gonna be the shit.”

 

Knowing Ben has significantly less anxiety around camp makes Rey relax too, but she still _hates_ the prospect of ten weeks away from her cousin.

 

She is going to miss him so, _so_ much.

 

Either graders get a promotion ceremony, like a mini-graduation. They don’t get caps and gowns, but they do have to dress up and sit through a little diploma ceremony.

 

It’s kind of stupid, but also kind of cool.

 

Rey has a new dress for the occasion and she _loves_ it. It’s more formal than other things she owns, fitted on top with a bell skirt, light and shimmering green to match her eyes.

 

She does her own makeup and curls her hair and by the time she’s ready to go, she feels rather pleased with herself. She looks _grown up._

 

She’s just looking for her cardigan when Ben bursts in.

 

“You ready? The cars running and— whoa,” he stops mid sentence and his eyes drop down to her dress. “You look really pretty.”

 

It’s not a weird thing to say, it’s _not_ — Leia and Han both said the same thing when she showed them the dress the day it came in the mail but… _but_ …

 

Her own words come back to her, from months before: _Ben’s never said any girl looks cute, or pretty, or whatever._

 

And so Ben’s words _warm_ her. She’s positively melting under the weight of them and she— she doesn’t know why.

 

She feels light as air as she follows him downstairs and out to the car.

 

 _He thinks_ I’m _pretty. He said_ I _look pretty. Really pretty._

 

Her thoughts loop in her brain all the way to the promotion ceremony, and after— at the buffet lunch for families, and after that, when Han drops them off for a kids only party at Poe’s house.

 

She’s changed by then, a bathing suit under her clothes so they can swim, she’s not even wearing the dress anymore but she keeps hearing the words.

 

The way he said them. She can’t let it go.

 

She’s distracted the whole time.

 

Distracted when everyone jumps into the pool, distracted when they sneak off behind the house to hit Poe’s little pipe, distracted when she mindlessly eats three pieces of pizza.

 

She’s distracted when Rose starts talking to her about summer plans, but she snaps back when she mentions Ben, suddenly very alert.

 

“He’s getting so buff, how does he keep getting stronger?”

 

“I... I don’t know,” Rey shrugs. She doesn’t want to talk about Ben’s muscles— it just feels wrong. Rose’s crush on Ben has always felt _gross_ and _wrong_ to her.

 

“Think he’ll care if I jump on his back in the pool?”

 

Rey grinds her teeth.

 

_Wrong. Just wrong. Rose touching Ben is so wrong._

 

“Because seriously, I just wanna touch those shoulders.”

 

_Rose touching Ben is wrong. Only you should touch Ben._

 

“What?” Rey says, shocked back to the moment by her own thoughts.

 

“His shoulders? I know you can’t tell because he’s your brother or whatever but— Ben is seriously hot.”

 

_Ben is hot. Ben is strong, Ben is solid and he smells good. Ben loves you. Only you should touch him— you should touch him— you should—_

 

Rey stands up so fast she knocks over her soda.

 

She’s breathing so heavily.

 

“Rey?” Rose says, concerned.

 

“I don’t feel good— I—“

 

Rey clamps a hand over her mouth, gagging, and then she turns and runs into the house. She barely makes it into the bathroom before she tosses up the pizza she ate.

 

She grips the edge of the toilet and tries to catch her breath. She doesn’t know why she’s crying.

 

A sense of guilt so deep creeps up again and she has to fight down another wave of nausea. Her thoughts are coming so fast, she can’t even sort through them.

 

Flashes of Ben; his arms, his mouth, the way his hands fit over hers, the way he melts into her touch— touch— touching Ben.

 

Rey screams, closing her eyes.

 

This isn’t happening. This is some fucked up little fluke, this isn’t real. It can’t be real.

 

Everyone has fucked up thoughts sometimes, right? It means nothing.

 

Rey is going to walk back outside and look at Ben and everything is going to be back to normal.

 

_It has to be._

 

She flushes the toilet and rinses her mouth out, steeling herself.

 

She is never going to think about this again.

 

Rey walks outside and looks at her friends, at Hux and Jess and Poe and Rose. She sighs, breath shaking, and then her eyes find Ben.

 

He’s shirtless and laughing at something that Mitty just said, and he looks— _he_ _looks_ —

 

Fuck.

 

~~~

 

The week before Rey leaves for camp is the longest of her life.

 

She actually fakes a flu so she doesn’t have to engage for a few days, but that’s almost worse, because Ben sits at the edge of her bed— concerned and attentive.

 

“Do you wanna watch a movie with me?” he asks, looking like a giant, kicked puppy.

 

“My head just hurts so bad Ben and I— I’m trying to rest up before I have to fly in a few days.”

 

He doesn’t even pretend not to be sad, and when he tells her she can play GTA, clearly a last attempt to spend time with her before a forced separation, she relents.

 

And the thing is, it’s perfect. She loves being around Ben _so_ much and suddenly that terrifies her. She feels like it’s written on her face, the small flashes of thoughts.

 

And that’s all they are, small flashes. She won’t let herself even really _think_ the things she’s sort of thinking. It’s all half thoughts, more guilt than anything to be guilty over but oh— she feels _so_ _guilty_. She can’t shake the feeling.

 

When the day comes that she and Ben are leaving for camp, she mostly just feels relief.

 

They sit together on her bed and he looks so sad, and she _is_ sad it’s just also she can’t breath.

 

She needs some space, she needs to let this— whatever these fucked up little thoughts are— she needs to burn it out of her system.

 

When she says goodbye to Ben and boards the plane to camp, she’s sure that whatever this is will be over by the time she is back.

 

_It has to be._

  
  
  



	10. August 2010

_it’s cute in a way, till you cannot speak_   
_and you leave to have a cigarette, your knees get weak_   
_an escape is just a nod and a casual wave_   
_obsess about it, heavy for the next two days_   


_it’s only just a crush, it'll go away_   
_it’s just like all the others it'll go away_   
_or maybe this is danger and you just don't know_ _  
_you pray it all away, but it continues to grow

 

_Tear You Apart - She Wants Revenge_

  


_2010_

 

Being back at camp is an odd feeling, sort of like moving into in a recurring dream.

 

She knows her way around, has missed the smell of the cabins and the woods on the grounds and archery, oh archery.

 

It’s a world where Ben has never existed, and so it’s possible not to think about him.

 

It should be easy, but Rey’s guilt creeps up on her, heavy and pressing.

 

She manages to convince herself that it was truly just a momentary lapse in judgement. She’s fourteen, hormones are flying, they spend a lot of time together and it was just _thoughts,_ an observation, forced on her by Rose’s feelings.

 

If Ben likes Rose he can totally date her. Rey will not stop him.

 

She doesn’t even care.

 

Really, when she actually considers it, she realizes she was going to have to _think_ about the idea of her and Ben at least once, of course, if only to rule it out.

 

Which is what she’s doing. She’s thought about it, and now she can let it go.

 

Easy.

 

~~~

 

Rey is _not_ boy crazy. She’s never really liked anyone, beyond thinking Aaron Grisham was cute back in 3rd grade. She doesn’t really _get_ flirting and even Rose’s brand of silly is a little much for her, a little out of left field.

 

That’s probably why she doesn’t see it coming when her camp bestie, an Israeli girl named Ari with dark hair and high cheekbones, kisses her in the dark behind their cabin one night.

 

It’s not exactly the first kiss Rey thought she would have, but then again, she hasn’t ever thought much of kissing at all.

 

So Ari is her first kiss, and her second, and third...

 

It’s _fun_. Rey knows they aren’t supposed to be doing this, which makes it more exciting, and every time she steals a kiss, behind the kayaks, outside the cabin, while walking to the pool, she feels her heart swell a little and she giggles.

 

But when the day comes to leave camp, Rey isn’t as sad as Ari is. The other girl cries, and swears that she will make her father bring her back to America for the winter holidays.

 

Rey hugs her and promises to write, and she means it at the time. Everything at camp always feels intense.

 

But her feelings grow smaller as she leaves on the shuttle to the airport, smaller as she boards the plane back to California, and by the time she’s on the west coast, they’re hardly there at all.

 

~~~

 

Rey keeps telling herself she’s not nervous, since she has nothing to be nervous about.

 

Sure, she had a fleeting, momentary (week long) bout of insanity before she left but having space has been _so_ amazing, she’s definitely, absolutely is over it.

 

She’s going to walk in and see Ben and be _relieved_. Just like always.

 

She takes a cab from the airport, wringing her hands and chewing her lips the entire time.

 

They pull up to the house and she thanks the driver and grabs her bags. She has too much stuff, and she has to put it down while she looks for her keys.

 

Suddenly, she hears her name being called.

 

“Rey!”

 

It’s Ben, he’s in shorts and a gray T-shirt that he’s sweating right though. He’s obviously been running, starts running again, and before Rey can blink he has her, lifting her up and throwing her over his shoulder as he spins around.

 

Rey squeaks, grabbing onto his shirt.

 

“Oh my god Ben! Put me down!” But she’s laughing, delighted at being lifted so easily, at the peace that always comes with being near Ben.

 

When he sets her down she’s dizzy, and she has to clutch at him, laughing and stumbling.

 

“How—“ she pants, “how did you get _bigger?!”_

 

Ben has cleared six feet by a bit now. He’s been tall forever but he looks strong too, bigger than a 9th grader should be.

 

She tries to catch her breath as he smiles down at her but she’s still dizzy, from the way Ben was swinging her, probably. Her vision is still swimmy and Ben— _oh_ _Ben_.

 

He looks beautiful.

 

She blinks up at him and she is absolutely overwhelmed. So she does the only thing she can think of— she rushes him, pressing her face into his chest (where it naturally lands now) and lets him hold her.

 

~~~

 

Rey can’t stop looking at Ben.

 

She was so, so sure that by the time she got home everything would be back to normal but…

 

His _hands_ , they’re so big now, his fingers long and thick. His arms are thicker too, corded with hard muscle from swimming, his shoulders broad and heavy. His legs are still skinny, but his calves are defined from running and he has dark hair covering his pale skin.

 

He looks older. He’s still a few months shy of fifteen but he’s towering over her, he will tower over Poe and Hux as well.

 

Rey shivers.

 

She does not want to have a complete mental breakdown, she does not want to freak out mere minutes after returning home, and so she tries to act as normal as she can.

 

But she’s  jumpy. She can’t stop looking at Ben and then looking away guiltily.

 

Leia is oblivious, she has never been the most observant. She sees only what she wants to see. A Rey who loves MAC and collared dresses. A Ben with a temper to terrify, more hard edges than the truer, softer stuff her son is really made of.

 

But she’s in a good mood, happy to have them home, and Ben seems happy too.

 

There were no terrible incidents at camp, no one got in trouble for fighting or sent home early, Ben stayed focused on swimming as an outlet all summer and he seems to have shed some of the awkward tension he carried all last year.

 

The ease with which everyone is talking and laughing should make her melt with happiness.

 

But Rey isn’t happy. Rey isn’t hungry. The guilt she tried so hard to absolve all summer is crashing over her in waves.

 

All she wants is to be near Ben; all she wants is to be far away.

 

She pushes her plate away halfway through dinner, smiling excuses as she slips upstairs.

 

~~~

 

Rey manages not to cry in the shower, but she tries to remember if she’s ever felt this awful.

 

She thinks back to when her dad first died, how awful she had felt those first few weeks.

 

But she hadn’t been _guilty._ Something bad had happened to her, but that didn’t make her a bad person.

 

This— this did.

 

She can’t even _think it_ , can’t let the thoughts form words and take root. She won’t give it that power.

 

It makes her start to panic.

 

She fights to get her breathing under control and then she gets out of the shower, toweling off and  changing into soft, clean pajamas. A pair she hasn’t seen all summer.

 

She’s just tying her wet hair up when there’s a knock on the door.

 

She opens it and looks up at Ben.

 

“Hey,” she says, the word soft and quiet between them.  

 

“Hi,” he says, and he looks _so happy_ Rey’s heart swells. “Do you wanna hang out? I need a quick shower but we could watch a movie or… just talk. I miss you.”

 

Everything he says feels heavier than it ever has, the weight of his words warm her.

 

There is no universe in which she says no.

 

Ben smiles at her nod and cuts through her room to get into the bathroom.

 

Rey has to literally fight an impulse to follow him.

 

The wanting to be close to Ben is _not_ new at all but the thought that follows— _Ben is in there, naked, soaking wet—_ that’s fucking new.

 

Rey takes a shuddering breath and actually puts a hand on her heart.

 

She paces as she waits for Ben. She hears the water cut off, the door open and close on the other side of the bathroom and his drawers being slammed shut.

 

A minute later he’s knocking on her door from the bathroom, and she has to clear her throat to make her words loud enough that he comes in.

 

He’s in a white tee shirt and black sweatpants. She has never seen him look so good.

 

He comes over and sit on her bed, she makes room for him, folding her feet up. He stretches his out while she balls up on the side of him, studying him.

 

“How was camp?” she asks.

 

“Good, it was good, honestly. I swam a lot and they let us carboload, pasta every night. We were also lifting a lot, which I really like. They wanted us to be doing all this other stuff in addition to swimming. It was exhausting but in a good way, you know?”

 

Rey watches Ben’s lips as he speaks, the way his eyes narrow when he looks at her, how serious he is.

 

His face is still angular but he’s grown into it, there’s more meat on his cheeks and his neck is thicker and his Adam’s apple sticks out so far now.

 

It looks delicate, Rey wonders what it would feel like under her fingers.

 

She looks down at her hands.

 

“What about you?” Ben asks.

 

“It was fine, I had fun, I missed archery. I wish that was a thing in my real life, I would carry a bow and arrow everywhere, like Katniss.”

 

She smiles, remembering Ben reading The Hunger Games to her years ago.

 

“Oh man, if we get chosen to compete in the hunger games I definitely want you on my team,” he says.

 

“Oh same, your swimming skills will come in handy too. Plus we’re fast. God we’d probably those district 1 assholes.”

 

Ben laughs, his face opens with it and his shoulders shake.

 

“Fuck I missed you,” he says.

 

His voice is so much lower, rougher, and the words are no different than what he’s said a billion times. Of _course_ he missed her— it shouldn’t make her feel _like this_ just to hear him say it.

 

But then his hand, so big and warm and dry, is cupping her face and it takes her too long to remember to breath.

 

When she finally does she sighs and leans into his touch, letting the Ben-ness rush over her.

 

“I missed you too, so much,” she says, covering his hand with hers.

 

They stay like that for moment, and then she opens her eyes to find him watching her, and he pulls back.

 

He is both the most familiar thing and an utter stranger to her and that fact alone makes the world seem unsteady, half painted, as insubstantial as dreamstuff.

 

“Can we uh— can we watch something?”

 

Ben nods, and Rey pulls her laptop out, putting it on a pillow between them, just like always.

 

She can smell him; his shampoo, his skin. _Home_.

 

Ben clicks through Netflix, chin tucked to his chest as he searches.

 

“What are you in the mood for?”

 

“Whatever you want,” Rey says, she’s hyper aware of how close they are, the pillow of space between them, the sound of his breathing.

 

Ben finds a movie, puts it on, she isn’t really paying attention.

 

She is so, so awake.

 

Usually, Ben’s presence lures her to sleep quickly and quietly, but not tonight. When his eyes close, the flickering of the screen casts blue shadows over his face as he sleeps, his breathing evening out, chest rising and falling.

 

Rey looks at him, the corded muscle of his neck, the bones his wrist, his clavicle, delicate pieces in a stronger, more solid whole.

 

His hair is the color of ink, dark and thick. His skin is paper white, even in the summer, and she she has every mole on his face memorized, could draw him in her mind as clearly as she sees him now and yet— it wouldn’t be the same.

 

The idea of Ben, the memory of Ben… it’s nothing compared to the reality of him. The way she can _feel him_.

 

She props her head up on her wrist and lets herself look, lets herself take in Ben as she sees him now, so familiar and so new.

 

Rey lets out a slow, shaking breath as tears sting her eyes. She tries to put off blinking, because she knows once she does—  

 

The tears fall freely, silently.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	11. Sept - Dec 2010

_ I tried to warn you when you were a child _ __   
_ I told you not to get lost in the wild _ __   
_ I sent omens and all kinds of signs _ __   
_ I taught you melodies, poems, and rhymes _ __   
  


_ Oh, you fool, there are rules, I am coming for you _ __   
_ (You can run but you can't escape) _ __   
_ Darkness brings evil things, oh, the reckoning begins _ _   
_ __ (You will open the yawning grave)

 

_ The Yawning Grave - Lord Huron  _

 

2010

 

Rey and Ben get cell phones when they start 9th grade. Matching Blackberries.

 

It improves her quality of life dramatically. 

 

High school is different than middle school. It’s a bigger building, bigger classes and the upperclassmen seem so much bigger than the kids she’s used to seeing around. 

 

She feels younger, here, but older too. It’s weird. 

 

Their friend group has expanded, which is one of the perks. More kids, more conversations, more things to do. 

 

Their lunch table still consists of the usual kids, Hux, Rose, Mitty, Poe and Finn, but also Rose’s sister Paige and her friend Jess, and new kids like Kaydel and Gwen. 

 

Rey went out for track immediately. Ben already has a spot on swim team, the coach had his eye on him for a while. At least now he doesn’t have to travel to use the pool. 

 

Sometimes they get dropped off early and Rey will run around the track while Ben swims. They stay busy.

 

Busy is good. Busy means less time think about— things she knows she isn’t supposed to think about. 

 

It’s just hard when she literally has to live in the same house as her crush. 

 

Because that’s what this is, she can’t pretend it’s something else

 

She has always  _ loved _ Ben, of course she  _ loves _ Ben, but this… this is different. She  _ likes _ him. 

 

Rey is allowed to sign up for an elective and she chooses photography. Ben does weight lifting. Figures. 

 

Rey loves photography, she loves the darkroom, she loves the smell of the developing chemicals. She puts her headphones on and drifts away under the eerie red light. 

 

She takes a lot of pictures of Ben. 

 

He turns fifteen quietly. Leia makes a small chocolate cake and Rey snaps a photo of him grinning down at the it, face bright in the candle light. 

 

She develops it the next Monday at school, makes a small print to keep with her. 

 

He looks happy. He looks beautiful.

 

~~~

 

The high school has a big green lawn with lots of trees and tables tucked into them, it gives an air of privacy without ever really hiding anyone from view. 

 

It’s nice to be able to eat outside, in the sunshine or the shade of the trees. It’s almost too cold for it now, but they’re all making the most of the last bit of fall. 

 

Rey outgrows all of her 8th grade clothes over summer, and when Leia takes her shopping she manages to be a bit more vocal and insistent on what she wants to wear. 

 

The result is a lot more loose fitting jeans, light washed and ripped at the knees, halters and crop tops, flannels, combat boots. 

 

She actually likes the way she looks now, most days. 

 

She has a dark green flannel on today since it’s chilly, paired with her favorite jeans and sneakers.

 

She gives Rose a few of the dresses she outgrew, since the other girl is smaller than her and absolutely delighted at the prospect of Rey’s clothes. 

 

Who wouldn’t be. 

 

They’re all sitting at their usual lunch table on a sunny Wednesday afternoon when Rose says, too loudly, “Ben got so buff, he’s lookin’ dreamy.” 

 

Rey looks up at Ben because this statement feels like permission to do so. 

 

“He’s gotten into weights,” she says casually. 

 

Meanwhile, her heart revolts inside of her chest.

 

Ben just hear them because he comes over and sits next to Rey. His hair is cut short still from camp, easy to cap. His ears stick out. 

 

“Rey and I were just talking about how cool it is to have so many more kids in school with us, don’t you think?” 

 

“Oh yeah, for sure,” Ben says, taking a bite of his sandwich. Rey has an identical sandwich in her hands. 

 

“Do you think any of the new girls are cute?” Rose giggles helplessly, Rey just blinks. “Or any of the old girls too, I guess,” she shrugs as if this is an afterthought. 

 

Rey presses her lips together, body going tight. Her eyes are wide and disbelieving on Ben. Whatever he’s going to say, she doesn’t want to hear it. 

 

“Oh well,” Ben shrugs, and he’s uncomfortable, Rey can feel it. He looks at her and his say  _ help me _ but Rey can only shrug. “I guess actually uh— your sister is pretty hot.” 

 

Rey wants to laugh, and cry, and throw up. 

 

Rose’s face does a complicated shift as she blinks, wounded by her own trap. 

 

Rey is partially glad to see Rose so put out, but she’s also reeling from Ben’s words. He’s never called anyone  _ hot. _

 

_ Hot  _ seems so much more important now than  _ pretty.  _

 

Rey wants to die. 

 

Her lips are dry, so she licks them and puts her sandwich down, determined not to spiral out at the lunch table. 

 

“Can I copy your math notes?” she asks Ben, just to distract. He nods and reaches into his backpack, pulling out notes. 

 

Rey doesn’t even need them, but she spends the rest of lunch copying them carefully. 

 

~~~

 

Rey wakes up to the weight of her mattress dipping. 

 

It’s still dark out, and she has to blink a few times to adjust her eyes before she sees Ben sitting on the foot of her bed. 

 

“Hi,” she says, voice rough with sleep. She can see that he’s already dressed. She checks her phone, it’s 4:48am. 

 

“I wanna see the sunrise, you wanna come?” 

 

Rey nods, sitting up. 

 

“Give me five and I’ll meet you downstairs.” 

 

She can’t tell if Ben nods, it’s too dark, but he leaves her to quietly change into leggings and a hoodie and sneakers. 

 

They step out into the cold, crisp air and start to run. 

 

Rey loves running, she loves the moment she pushes through the initial slowness as her muscles realize what they’re doing and her body becomes nearly weightless, propelled ahead by her own force. 

 

They run into the woods, it smells like wet earth and rot and mulch. It’s late November and everything is damp. She can hear Ben breathing, she can feel both of their hearts beating as the sun begins to bleed the sky. 

 

It doesn’t bring warmth, but her blood is rushing from running so she isn’t cold. 

 

They don’t talk like this, they just pace each other as best they can and push, push, push. She can watch him, she can feel him, they move as one. 

 

It’s Rey’s favorite part of the day. 

 

~~~

 

“Do you still wanna hang?” 

 

Ben asks the questions as she’s walking down the hall to her room on the first day of winter break, it’s after dinner and she’s already changed into soft, warm pajamas.

 

“Yeah definitely,” she says. “You still wanna help with my book report?” 

 

“Sure,” Ben says, smiling, “lemme go pee and then we can chill in your room?” 

 

“Sure,” she says. It’s not always easy to be causal now, when just seeing him makes her heart race. But she tries. She really tries. 

 

Rey steps into her room and takes a deep breath. 

 

She hears rustling and looks to her bathroom door, it’s cracked open. 

 

She can’t quite see what’s going on but she knows Ben is in there, and her feet just sort of move on their own. 

 

She presses her back against the wall next to the door and listens, she can hear him drag his zipper down, hears it when he starts pissing, the stream hitting the water below. 

 

He must have his hand on— _on_ _his_ — right?

 

She tries to angle her head to see something— anything— but she can’t quite make it out. 

 

So she just listens, tries to catch her breath and ignore the wildfire burning inside of her, knowing what Ben is doing right near her. 

 

When he flushes she jumps back, settling onto her bed while he washes his hands, and if she’s bright red when he comes in, he doesn’t seem to notice. 

 

~~~

 

He reads to her. He’s always read to her, it’s her favorite thing in the world. This quiet peace between them. Just as good as running. 

 

She leans her head on his shoulder and he puts an arm around her as they dive into To Kill a Mockingbird for school.

 

His voice is the most soothing thing in the world and she sinks into it like warm bath water, like her hot tub. 

 

She can feel his heart beating under her hand and it isn’t long before her eyes close and she’s fast asleep. 

 

~~~

 

She wakes up to darkness and heat. Ben is wrapped around her, holding her to his body in sleep, her back to his chest.

 

They have a  _ no touching rule. _

 

She manages not to panic, not to shoot out across the room. She takes a shuddery breath and allows herself to soak in the feeling of being close to him. 

 

But then she notices something else, something pressing against the small of her back. 

 

She blinks, confused only for a moment because she’s so soft from sleep but— she knows what she feels. 

 

Rey has never really thought about the logistics of Ben’s body until recently, and now she can’t help but shift a little, trying to feel the size of whatever is pressed against her. 

 

Ben takes a sharp breath and she freezes, but it’s clear after a minute that he’s still sleeping. 

 

_ If he wakes up like this, he will never ever sleep with you again. You know that.  _

 

Rey bites her lip and slowly scooches away from him. 

 

The bed is plenty big enough so she manages to roll to the edge of it, where it’s cold and she isn’t touching Ben at all. 

 

She has to wait for her heart to slow way down before sleep comes back, and when it finally does, it takes her into strange, overheated dreams. 

 

When she wakes again Ben is gone. 

 


	12. March - June 2011

 

 _I can't help but love you, Even though I try not to_  
_I can't help but want you, I know that I'd die without you_  
_Stay with me a little longer, I will wait for you_  
_Shadows creep and want grows stronger_ _  
_ Deeper than the truth

 

 _I can’t help but be wrong in the dark_  
_'Cause I’m overcome in this war of hearts_  
_I can’t help but want oceans to part_ _  
_ 'Cause I’m overcome in this war of hearts

 

_War of Hearts - Ruelle_

 

_2011_

 

In the spring, there’s a wildflower superbloom. There’s a meadow that Rey and Ben run through sometimes, and it turns bright orange with poppies.

 

There are more than poppies, though; Indian Paintbrush and Birthroots and Fireweed. Purple, yellow, orange and white. The earth is a painting.

 

It’s beautiful.

 

She and Ben are supposed to be running but they’re just walking, marveling.

 

Then Ben charges her, catching her just above her knees and hoisting her up, spinning her.

 

He’s stronger and taller than Han now, and Rey’s not short or anything but she’s growing _slower_ than Ben and it means he can pick her up easily.

 

The world blends in a rush of color. She can smell the ocean in the distance and Ben’s skin.

 

He puts her down and she has to sit, laughing too hard and too dizzy from spinning to stand.

 

She lets herself fall back onto a bed of wildflowers, gulping in cool air.

 

Ben is next to her, his head side by side with hers, looking up at the bright blue sky and passing clouds.

 

It’s so fucking perfect.

 

Rey catches her breath and rolls onto her side, looking at Ben.

 

His cheeks are red, from running, _probably_ , but he looks a little bit _shy_ when he sticks his hand out between them.

 

He has a fistful of wildflowers. He’s _giving_ them to her.

 

Rey takes them and suddenly her heart is racing.

 

“They’re beautiful,” she says.

 

“Yeah,” Ben agrees. “Really beautiful.”

 

He’s close to her, really close. He’s turned on his side too and their knees are touching.

 

Rey wants to freeze time, she just wants to exist in this moment for a little bit longer because she knows in a second it will be gone.

 

If he were any other boy in the world, she would kiss him.

 

She thinks, perhaps, that if she were any other girl, he would let her.

 

But she’s not, so she doesn’t.

 

She’s looking down at the flowers in her hand when it suddenly occurs to her that she is in love with him.

 

Rey waits for the panic to come, but it doesn’t. The guilt and disgust that had swept her up during the initial crossroads of _like_ are nowhere to be found at the peak of this _love_.

 

She actually smiles, rolling onto her back to look at the clouds, laughing softly to herself.

 

Of _course_ she loves Ben, that makes all the sense in the world, and she could not ever hate herself for it.

 

She reaches across the grass to hold his hand, and he laces his fingers through hers.

 

She has always loved him, always longed to sooth him, only now she wants to do it with her mouth and her hands and her body and her heart.

 

She wants to give him everything, and it doesn’t feel wrong, it feels inevitable, it feels like a place she has been searching for.

 

It feels like home.

 

~~~

 

Leia surprises them one afternoon. They’re sitting in the dining room working on homework when she comes in and smiles down at them.

 

“I think we all deserve something extra nice this summer, don’t you?”

 

Ben and Rey exchange a _look_ before shrugging. They’re not sure it isn’t a trick.

 

“I was thinking, you’re getting a little old for camp, and we haven’t been out of the country since you were little, Ben. What do you say we go to Europe?”

 

Rey’s jaw drops.

 

“Oh my god, really!?”

 

Leia nods, and Rey rushes out of her chair to hug her.

 

“Thank you, thank you!”

 

Ben is smiling too, shaking his head in disbelief.

 

“Where are we going?” he asks.

 

“Well we’ll start in Greece, do the whole beach thing, islands, sun bathing, then move down to southern Italy, probably head north to Rome and then into Spain. Maybe a week in Paris, a week in Berlin? The details aren’t sorted yet but I think this could be exactly what we need.”

 

Rey is stunned. It’s truly unbelievable.

 

“Thank you,” she says, and she feels overwhelmed.  

 

“You’re welcome,” Leia says. “Now just make sure you kids _behave_ between now and the end of school,” she gives Ben a pointed stare, and he looks at his feet.

 

Something like dread prickles inside of Rey as Leia leaves the room.

 

~~~

 

Rey dislikes Arthur Grisham from the moment she meets him.

 

He works with Leia, bankrolls one of her larger charities, of which she has several.

 

Rey has never fully understood what her aunt does, just that she comes from money and used that to make more money by spending money, and she throws a lot of very fancy parties that Rey and Ben are never allowed to attend.

 

Mr. Grisham looks rich. He also looks bored, and a little sadistic.

 

The kind of dude who just gives you the creeps.

 

He comes over for dinner one night about three weeks before summer vacation.

 

Leia breaks out the fancy plates. Even Rey and Ben get a glass of champagne.

 

Han still has a beer.

 

Mr. Grisham talks about himself a lot, for twenty minutes straight, looking only at Leia as he does so.

 

Eventually, the conversation reaches Rey and Ben.

 

Mr. Grisham turns watery, red eyes on them.

 

“And what do you do?”

 

“Well, we’re about to finish 9th grade,” Ben says.

 

“Obviously,” Mr. Grisham drawls, “I meant for fun? Do you have a girlfriend, perhaps? Rey here looks a little young to date.”

 

He winks.

 

“We’re the same age,” Ben says, and Rey can feel his blood pressure spike.

 

“Ben’s an excellent swimmer,” Rey says. “But so far no girlfriend.” She smiles tightly.

 

Under the table, she squeezes Ben’s knee, trying to will him to calm down.

 

“It’s true,” Han says, “he’s big but he’s wicked fast in the water.”

 

“It’s been an amazing outlet for him,” Leia says, sipping her drink. “Really helped with his anger issues.”

 

“Mom, please,” Ben says, shaking his head.

 

“No it’s true,” Leia continues, “this kid has the shittiest temper. Ready to snap at any given moment. We all walked on eggshells around him forever.”

 

“Maybe you’ve had enough,” Han says.

 

Leia snorts.

 

“Oh please, like you disagree. That’s your son,” she tips her glass in Ben’s direction. “Never met a problem he didn’t face down with either punching or crying.”

 

Ben’s chair scrapes the floor as he stand up fast, too fast, nearly knocking it over.

 

He’s shaking his head in disbelief, his hands are fisted at sides and for a wild moment she has _no_ idea what Ben is going to do. She can’t read him at all.

 

When he quietly storms out of the room, Rey realizes she wishes he would have punched Leia in the face.

 

“See what I mean?” Leia says, shrugging as of to say _what can you do?_

 

Rey stands, trying to catch her breath. She looks at Han, but he only shrugs, and Rey kind of wants to punch him too.

 

“Why?” she asks Leia, but she doesn’t wait for a response. She takes off after Ben.

 

~~~

 

She finds him at the edge of the woods behind the house, not so far that she couldn’t find him in the dark.

 

His shoulders are shaking.

 

“Ben,” she whispers. “She was wrong, that was fucked up. That wasn’t your fault I swear.”

 

She puts her hands on his back, turns him to face her. He’s crying a little bit. She runs her hands through his hair and he shivers.

 

“She doesn’t want me to go to Europe. She’s trying to come up with a reason not to let me come. I bet you fifty bucks she didn’t even bother to buy my ticket.”

 

“That’s not true,” Rey says, choking on the words, but he levels her with a stare. “If she pulls that shit I’m not going either, I promise.”

 

She knows that isn’t the point. Not even close. Not when his own mother...

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, and the words get caught on the lump in her throat. She reaches down for Ben’s hand and finds it wet.

 

She looks down in surprise. He’s bleeding, his knuckles split open. He must have punched the tree, there are little splinters in his skin.

 

“Oh,” Rey says, and her hands are shaking as she holds his.

 

“I am trying _so fucking hard_ to be good,” Ben says.

 

Slowly, she tugs them further into the trees, where the light from the yard won’t reach them, where they will become invisible.

 

“Listen to me. You’re so good,” she whispers. “Ben, when you can’t see it, I will be your eyes.”

 

She takes his hand and raises it to her lips, kissing the broken skin.

 

“When you can’t feel it, I will be your heart.”

 

She takes her own hand and presses it over his heart and _oh_ — his heart is racing.

 

They’re so close again, too close, and her desire to wrap him up inside of her, to have him so close they are crushed together, it’s overwhelming.

 

“Rey,” he whispers, and his eyes are as black as the woods, his skin like milk in the darkness, pulling all the light.

 

She hears _so_ much in just her name, an intensity she has never experienced and could never have expected. The same heaviness that had found them in the meadow.

 

 _Magnets,_ she thinks.

 

She steps back.

 

Because while the idea of not being with Ben is scary, the idea of being with him— of crossing whatever line is left, of changing this wild and living intensity between them...

 

Well that is absolutely terrifying.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for sticking with me on this wild ride. From here on out the time jumps will likely be shorter and the number of chapters per year will be longer. I’m guessing this story will be about 30 chapters but I’ll know for sure as I get closer to the end. Love u all 💕


	13. June - August 2011

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never been to Europe and I did very little research. I had to actually ask @ever_so_reylo what money they use in Italy. On the subject of vaguing locations, I originally said this was set in Sausalito. I’m changing my mind. It’s some amalgam if Marin and Santa Cruz and the PNW and LA. Just pure west coast. I’m still saying Nortern California just... pretend with me.

_ I'd swim across Lake Michigan _ __  
_ I'd sell my shoes _ __  
_ I'd give my body to be back again _ __  
_ In the rest of the room _ __  
  


_ To be alone with you _ __  
_ To be alone with you _ __  
_ To be alone with you _ _  
_ __ To be alone with you

 

_ To Be Alone With You - Sufjan Stevens  _

 

_ 2011 _

 

They go to Europe.

 

Rey doesn’t let her guard down until they board the first plane to New York City. Once she and Ben are buckled in with snacks and headphones and books she lets herself breath. 

 

They’re going. They made it. 

 

For weeks leading to up the trip Rey has felt like something bad is going to happen, like this will be taken from her. 

 

It isn’t. 

 

They’re really going. Excitement hits her all at once and she can’t stop grinning like an idiot. 

 

They’re not going to camp. They’re not being separated. She gets to spend the  _ entire _ summer with Ben. 

 

She squeezes his hand as the plane takes off. 

 

~~~

 

Europe is really far. They’re heading to Greece which means three planes and more than 20 hours of traveling and sitting in airports and being either awake or only half asleep on a plane. 

 

She’s so disoriented by the time they finally reach the little island of Tilos that jet lag seems irrelevant. It could be any time of day at all and Rey would feel exhausted. 

 

But there is something so  _ other _ about Greece that it has her wired. She feels far, far away from home. It’s a bit disorienting. 

 

They’re staying in an old stone house on the water. Ben and Rey each have their own room with a double bed, all in shades of blue and white and coral. 

 

It’s beautiful. The sun shines into the stone kitchen and makes everything bright and warm. There is a massive pool outside that goes right to the edge of the cliff, making it blend in with the sea in below.

 

It’s amazing. 

 

During the day they go down to the beach, in the late afternoon and evening they lay out by the pool. 

 

Rey turns gloriously tan within a matter of days, while Ben reddens despite lathering himself with SPF 50.

 

They have a cook who makes them dinner every night, stashing leftovers in the fridge for lunch the next day. There’s more fruit than they know what to do with, and so Rey lays in the sun beside the pool eating fat, sweet grapes and ripe, sugary peaches. 

 

Ben is swimming laps. She watches, awed at the power with which he hauls himself through the water. 

 

She lets the juice from her peach run down her chin and her neck until she is sticky, and then she cannonballs into the water, splashing Ben. 

 

He stops swimming laps to indulge her obvious plea for attention.

 

“You got me wet,” he says, pouting. 

 

She laughs at the absurdity, and splashes him again. 

 

Ben’s tall enough that he can stand where they are, but Rey has to tread water or dip her face down into the water to bounce on the balls of her feet. 

 

“God you’re so big,” she says, kicking her feet so the top half of her body is above the water, making taller than she would normally be. She can get her eyes level with his chin like this. He just shrugs. “No really, you will not stop growing. You have to let me catch up.” 

 

He smirks down at her, his eyes look absolutely mischievous. 

 

“I mean,” he says, shrugging again, “you’re growing too, just not in the same way.” He laughs and splashes water on her chest, nodding at her tits. 

 

Rey’s jaw drops. Is he seriously telling her that her boobs are bigger? She looks down at her chest and then sinks low enough to cover her breasts. 

 

“Ben!” She is absolutely scandalized but also burning with delight, and her smile takes any real chastising out of the word.

 

Ben is blushing a little, but he shrugs again, reaching back to push his hair out of his face. Rey is distracted by the bulge of his arms and the expanse of his chest. 

 

It’s her turn to blush, and she looks away. 

 

“You’re not supposed to be looking at my tits,” she says, still smiling at him. 

 

Ben puts his hands up as if he’s innocent. 

 

“I’m not  _ looking,  _ looking, just like— like I would notice your hair. Or new shoes.” He can’t keep a straight face. She can’t either. 

 

“Oh yeah, sure,” she says, laughing, and then she floats on her back, tired of treading water. 

 

She has to wait for her blush to recede, almost impossible with the possibility of his eyes on her. She can’t check to see if he’s watching. This all feels illicit, but there's a safety in it. She won’t cross  _ the _ line, and she knows that Ben won’t either, despite how he might try to get a rise out of her. 

 

It’s harmless.

 

But she feels tied to Ben in a very real way, and she wonders how tight any string can be pulled before it snaps. 

 

~~~

 

They go to a tiny farmers market one morning and Rey’s fingers and lips are crusted with sugar from dried fruit and jam and candy-. 

 

The roads are rocky and her shoes are thin and the third time she complains about it, Ben sighs and drops to his knees in front of her, facing away from her. 

 

“What’s happening here?” Rey asks, tilting her head. 

 

“Get on, come on. Limited time offer, if you don’t do it now I’m—“ 

 

Rey is scrambling forward instantly, it’s been a long time since she had a piggy back ride but the mechanics haven’t changed. She wraps her arms loosely around Ben’s neck and her knees slide along his hips. He braces a hand on her thigh, nearly at her ass, and stands up.

 

“Holy shit is this just what the world looks like for you?” she asks him, dazed. He laughs softly and adjusts her against him. 

 

“Don’t choke me, okay?”

 

“Can’t promise anything long term, but I think I can abstain for today.” 

 

“Gee, thanks,” Ben says, shaking his head and smiling. 

 

Rey presses her face against his affectionately. 

 

He seems to have no problem holding her; it doesn’t seem to slow him down or hinder him much at all. 

 

Rey loves it. She loves being pressed against him. It’s innocent enough, aside from her thoughts. 

 

He carries her through all the stands, passing her sweet treats and leaning down to let her sniff soaps and oils. 

 

Rey never wants him to put her down. 

 

However, since she cannot move onto Ben’s body, he does eventually set her down, reaching up to stretch. 

 

“Did I hurt you?”

 

“What? A little thing like you?” Ben teases. 

 

He is  _ so _ much taller than her now. She knows she’s not done growing, but Ben has a good eight inches on her for now. 

 

She swats him playfully as they head back into the house. 

 

Olga, their cook, is making something that smells garlicky and delicious. 

 

“I wanna swim before dinner,” Ben says. 

 

“Shocking,” Rey says and he laughs, ducking his head and wandering off to change into swim trunks. 

 

Rey opts for a shower instead, washing away the fruit juice and dirt of the day. 

 

She puts on another bikini, figuring she will swim again before the day is done, and throws a light sundress over that. 

 

The sun stays out late in the summer, and there’s still warm light filtering down over part of the yard when she makes her way over to a lounge chair. 

 

She keeps the dress on, just closes her eyes and lets the sun warm her skin. She can hear Ben swimming, one of her favorite sounds, and the smell of cooking makes her feel safe and cared for. 

 

She sighs, and allows herself to nap for a while in the sun. 

  
  


~~~

 

They leave Greece after two weeks. It’s not a very long time in the grand scheme of things, but Rey has developed such a sweet routine that saying goodbye hurts a bit. 

 

She will miss it. 

 

They take a plane to Italy, where they have plans to stay for the next month. A week in Rome, one in Florence, in Venice and Milan. They will be in the city center for all of it. No more sunlit beaches, but the  _ history _ and the spirit of the cities is a different kind of thrill. 

 

They spend a lot of time in museums and restaurants and on walking tours but Rey and Ben are also allowed of time on their own. 

 

They have credit cards. Leia lets them go out to eat or shop whenever they want.  They order wine with lunch, drinking two glasses each until they’re laughing too loud, and then they wander together down small, cobblestone streets and into beautiful boutique shops and finally sit down to drink coffee and eat pastries until they're not dizzy anymore. 

 

Ben holds her hand a lot. 

 

Rey tries not to dwell on what it means. 

 

~~~

 

They’re in Venice, they’ve been there for a few days already and Rey and Ben have a bit of an idea of the neighborhood around their hotel, where the canal is, how to get across and which shops have the best coffee and which will serve them wine. 

 

They come across a kid about their age, maybe a bit older, smoking a joint in an alley. 

 

“Hey,” Ben nods at the weed. “Could we buy some?” 

 

They boy smiles, looking between them. 

 

“Okay,” he says, in a way that makes Rey unsure if he understands or speaks any English at all, but then he says, “Twenty five euros, less, if the pretty girl gives me her number.” 

 

Rey smiles, but suddenly Ben’s fingers are around her wrist and she can feel him bristling. 

 

“She’s not interested,” Ben says. 

 

“ _ Well _ ,” Rey says, looking up at Ben. She drank two glasses of wine and she feels warm, and Ben will keep her safe, no point in not  _ flirting _ for a little discount. 

 

“No,” Ben says, his voice too loud.

 

“Sorry,” the boy says, putting his hands up. He clearly doesn’t want a fight. His accent is thick when he speaks. “I see she is your girlfriend, I get it. Twenty five.” 

 

Ben pays him and pockets the baggie. Rey feels like she made some sort of mistake when Ben grits out, “She’s not my girlfriend,” and shoos her away before the other boy can respond. He is vibrating and angry as they head back toward the hotel. 

 

“Ben,” she says softly. “I wasn’t going to go out with him, or anything. But you know— discount weed.” 

 

“It’s whatever,” Ben says. 

 

“It’s not,” Rey says, and part of her is irritated with him for acting so worried but most of her is thrilled and humming at the implications. “Hey,” she tugs his hands until he’s standing in front of her, and then she reaches up to play with his hair. “I don’t wanna hang out with him,” she says. 

 

Ben sighs, relaxing into her touch. He nods, and lets her calm him that way for a bit before they go back to meet Leia and Han for dinner. 

 

Rey keeps replaying the whole scene over and over in her head. Was he just worried for her safety? Was it _something_ _else_. 

 

She doesn’t know. 

 

~~~

 

They spend two full weeks in the French countryside, another house, another cook, but no beach this time. 

Instead Ben and Rey ride matching bikes through the meadows and hillsides and dirt roads alongside farms. They see horses and sheep and they sneak bottles of wine from the cellar and drink them in fields of tall grass, laughing.

 

Rey has never drank so often in her life, it makes the days seems colorful and freeing and  _ good.  _ It makes Ben hold her hand and hoist her up onto his back.

 

He touches her a lot. 

 

One day, as they are sipping from a bottle of wine beneath a big tree, looking at clouds in the distance, Rey sighs and leans against Ben. 

 

“I wish we could stay here, like this.” 

 

“It’s a pipe dream,” he says, shaking his head. 

 

Rey looks over at him. 

 

“You wouldn’t want to?” she asks. 

 

“Doesn’t matter. Life isn’t about I want.” 

 

“We could do it though, run away and live in the countryside, stealing wine and bread.”

 

Ben laughs, shaking his head. 

 

“God you’d hate it. You’ve never not had a credit card.” 

 

Rey wants to argue but she can’t, really. She’s never lived in a world where she couldn’t just  _ have _ the things she needed, wanted. 

 

Well. Most of the things. She looks at Ben. 

 

He is  _ tanner  _ even if he’s not tan, his hair and his eyes are still stark against his skin. She wants to roll them over and lie on top of him. 

 

She blinks down at her hands and takes another swig from the bottle. 

 

“I might not hate it,” Rey says, and she sounds a little whiny even to her own ears. “If I had you with me.” 

 

Ben looks at her and his face softens. 

 

“In another life, maybe.” 

 

Rey doesn’t have any idea what that means, but his words settle inside of her belly, dark and unwelcome 

 

~~~

 

The last chunk of the trip they spend in Paris proper. Ben and Rey get their own hotel room with two double beds and a living room and bathroom and kitchenette and balcony. It’s like a little apartment. 

 

The balcony overlooks the city and they can even see the Eiffel Tower. It’s wild. 

 

They make coffee in the early morning and watch the sun rise from the balcony, and then they go running. 

 

Running through Paris at dawn is amazing. 

 

Watching the city come alive under their feet. It’s intoxicating. 

 

The last night that they spend in Europe is a solemn one. No one really wants to leave, to  back to real life, least of all Rey. 

 

They have dinner in a dark lit restaurant where everyone gets wine and Leia orders for them all. She makes them go around in a circle telling their favorite part of the trip. 

 

“I loved seeing the canals in Venice,” Leia says. 

 

Han’s favorite part was the beach in Greece, and he says several times that he wouldn’t have minded staying there the entire summer. 

 

“Ben would be burned to a crisp,” Rey says, stifling a laugh. 

 

Ben gives her a withering look that makes her laugh harder. 

 

“What about you Rey?” 

 

“I think I liked the beach too,” she says, tipping her glass toward Han. Leia rolls her eyes. 

 

“Ben?” Leia asks. 

 

“Hmm,” he says, screwing his face up like he’s really thinking. “That’s tough but I’d have to say… swimming.” 

 

Leia blinks at him. Rey chokes on her wine, stuffing down her another laugh. 

 

Leia just shakes her head, and when she speaks again it’s only to Han. 

 

~~~

 

They’re showered and changed for bed when they step onto the balcony to smoke the joint that Ben rolled with the last of the weed they got in Italy. When they come inside, Ben leaves the curtains open and the balcony doors ajar, it’s warm and breezy and the light from city filters over them in soft reds and blues. 

 

Rey kicks off her blankets and turns to face Ben. 

 

“Are you really not sad to leave?”

 

He shrugs. 

 

“I miss the combination of my laptop and a door that locks,” he says, a smirk on his face. 

 

“Are you serious?” Rey laughs. “You’re bored with Europe because you can’t watch porn?” 

 

“Hey, you don’t get it,” Ben says, rolling onto his side to face her. He still has  _ his _ covers on. “It’s different for guys.” 

 

“No it’s not,” Rey says, rolling her eyes as hard as she can. 

 

“Yeah it is, come on Rey you don’t— you know—  _ right _ ?” 

 

“What? Masturbate? Watch porn?” 

 

“Rey,” Ben says, embarrassed and smiling, covering his face with his hands. 

 

“Well you brought it up!” she says defensively, but she doesn’t want to let it go. “Do you really wanna know?” 

 

Ben lowers his hand and looks at her. He nods his head sharply, and his face says  _ of course _ .

 

“Well I do,” she shrugs. “Both.” 

 

“What kind of stuff do you watch?” 

 

Rey’s face heats a little bit and she shrugs. 

 

“Well, nothing like— crazy. But you know.  _ Stuff _ .” 

 

One of Ben’s hands is under his head, propping it up, and one is laying across his body, over the blanket. She sees his hand curl up where it rests on his thigh. 

 

She wonders if this conversation is making him hard.

 

“Like?” he says again. 

 

Rey sighs. She doesn’t feel  _ embarrassed _ , exactly, just  _ vulnerable _ . But she trusts Ben, and she figures best friends tell each other stuff like this, maybe it’s not weird for them to talk about doing this stuff alone or— or with  _ other _ people. 

 

She takes a deep breath. 

 

“I like when you can see their faces, it doesn’t matter to me so much about seeing dicks or like, it going inside. I like when they look like— like it feels really good. So good they wanna cry or scream.” 

 

Ben licks his lips, flexes and relaxes his hand. 

 

“Okay your turn. You tell me.” 

 

“I like watching it go in,” he says with no hesitation at all, his voice is lower than it was a minute ago. “I like watching girls get fucked fast.” 

 

“Oh,” she says, because she’s not sure what she expected. 

 

“Have you ever— you know,” he says. But she doesn’t know, and so she waits, looking at him expectantly. “Made yourself cum.” 

 

Rey bites her lip but she nods. She knows the answer before she asks, but she wasn’t to hear him say it. 

 

“Have you?” 

 

Ben nods, flashes her the same  _ of course  _ face as before. 

 

“Right,” she says. And then she feels awkward and keyed up and two seconds away from leaving her bed and getting into Ben’s.

 

“Well, maybe we’re doing it differently, because I still prefer Europe to the search bar on pornhub.” 

 

Ben laughs, covering his face. 

 

“Oh, I love you,” he says through a laugh. “Let’s go to sleep. Please.”

 

Rey laughs as she rolls onto her back, shaking her head. 

 

“Sure,” she says, trying to sound casual. She’s never been this turned on. The idea of Ben— of Ben touching himself, watching some girl get fucked hard. She tries to get her heart to slow. She’s watched things like that too, but she didn't expect Ben to  _ say it like that.  _

 

Rey waits and waits and waits. The tv is flickering on low volume, just background noise,  _ The Twilight Zone  _ in French. 

 

Ben is sleeping, Rey can see his chest rising and falling slowly. He’s still facing her, curled up against his pillow. 

 

Rey tries to be quiet as a mouse as she slips a hand down her shorts. She brings the blanket back over her to hide what she’s doing, up to her chin.

 

She just has to touch a little bit…

 

She sighs as her fingers find their mark between her legs. She’s done this a lot, but it’s different with Ben next to her. He’s not in her bed so he can’t feel it move, so she just has to keep quiet. 

 

She’s already close to the edge with Ben there, and it only takes a second before she’s biting her fist to keep from gasping. She turns her back to him, buries her face in her pillow, unwilling to risk him opening his eyes and seeing—

 

She shivers as she comes down, and guilt nibbles at her. She’s suddenly scared that he’s been awake the whole time, but he’s not. His eyes never flutter and his breath never falters. 

 

_ He was not so affected by our conversation that he couldn’t sleep _ , Rey thinks. 

 

She promises herself that it will never happen again, and, relaxed and sleepy, she falls into dreams. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you all contradict whatever I have written.... Ben is asleep lmao.


	14. Sept - Oct 2011

_ But I used to be quite resilient _ __   
_ Gain no strength from counting the beads on a rosary _ __   
_ And now the wound has begun to turn _ __   
_ Another lesson that has gone unlearned _ __   
_ But this is not a cry for pity or for sympathy _ __   
  


_ I guess I take after my mother _ __   
_ I guess I take after my mother _ __   
_ I guess I take after my mother _ _   
_ __ I guess I take after my mother

 

_ The Grand Optimist - City & Color  _

  
  
  


_ 2011 _

 

School starts and it’s like jumping into the ocean in winter. 

 

A shock to her entire system. 

 

Gone are the days of laying in the grass, drunk on wine and freedom. Sophomore year is no joke. Her classes are harder, they move faster, she takes honor courses for English and history and math. It’s a lot. 

 

Ben throws himself into swimming and gets accepted onto the varsity team early. An honor that they celebrate with a night out. 

 

Rey doesn’t have time to join track team, she packs her schedule with extra curricular and manages to keep photography. 

 

She still runs, a lot, all the time, really, but she does it early in the morning and when the sun is going down. 

 

On the bright side it means she can make it to Ben’s swim competitions. 

 

She’s sitting on the bleachers on a Friday afternoon, looking down at the pool. She has Finn on side of her and Rose and Kaydel on the other. They’re all cheering as the boys come out. 

 

They’re dressed in only Speedos and swim caps. 

 

Even next to the upperclassman, Ben is big, one of the biggest on the team, and definitely the tallest. 

 

It’s weird to see. He’s a few months shy of sixteen but he looks easily eighteen now. Rey still thinks she looks fifteen at best. 

 

“You can totally see all their junk,” Rose says, and she and Kaydel burst out laughing. Rey’s face reddens, and she swats her friend. 

 

“They’re kind of right,” Finn whispers to her, and she smirks at him. 

 

Finn recently confessed to Rey that he had a little crush on Poe. Rey had been surprised at first but she felt really special that Finn had chosen her to confide in, and she promised to keep his secret. 

 

“I can totally see Ben’s dick, look,” Rose said, words buried in a laugh. Rey glares. “Sorry! I know it’s weird for you, but your cousin is packing.” 

 

Rey shrugs, as if she’s never thought about it. As if she’s never felt  _ it _ , pressing against her back. As if she doesn’t dwell on the idea of Ben’s hands wrapped around his—

 

“Whatever,” she says. 

 

They watch the boys swim, cheering and laughing and Rey tries not to let her feelings for Ben darken inside of her. 

 

The glory of having him to herself all summer feels like something she should have paid more attention to. 

 

Feels like something she might not ever get back. 

 

~~~

 

Ben rolls them a joint after dinner one night in October, and they pretend they’re going running.

 

Once they’re in the woods they head to the spot they usually rest at, a felled tree they can sit on. 

 

Ben’s in dark jeans and a hoodie, a good sign they didn’t plan to really run, but Rey is in leggings and a sweater. Fall is on them, the smell of rot and smoke in the air. 

 

She sits next to Ben as he lights the joint.

 

There’s been a distance between them since they got back, and Rey isn’t sure that it’s anything she could pinpoint. 

 

It may just be the difference between their life alone in Europe and their real life. 

 

Still, she finds she doesn’t really know what to say, for the first time in… ever. 

 

Ben inhales deeply and passes the joint to her. He tilts his head back as he exhales, the smoke rising from his lips and catching the last of the sunbeams. 

 

Rey shivers. 

 

“You know,” Ben says as he passes the joint to her. “Poe has a crush on you.” 

 

Rey makes _a_ _face_ , part surprise and part disbelief and part— _no._

 

“What? Are you messing with me?” 

 

“No,” Ben says, and he looks hurt. He likes teasing Rey but she doesn’t think he’d make up something like that. “He told me.” 

 

“Oh,” Rey says. 

 

“Do you like, like him?” Ben asks, shrugging.

 

Rey hits the joint to avoid answering, even though there is only one answer. 

 

She shakes her head. 

 

“No, definitely not,” she passes the joint back to Ben. 

 

“You could tell me, you know. If you did like him, or anyone. I wouldn’t be mad if you wanted to go out with someone.”

 

Rey  _ doesn’t like this.  _

 

“Yeah I know,” she shrugs and then stands so she can pace a little. Ben stays seated, smoking. “I would tell you if I liked Poe but I don’t, and besides I know someone else who does, so it’s a moot point.” 

 

“Is it Rose?” Ben asks, eyes narrowing. 

 

Rey doesn’t like this. 

 

“Would it matter if it was?” she asks, hand on her hip. Ben shrugs. “Well no, it’s not Rose. Rose has always liked you.” 

 

Rey isn’t sure why she says it, she’s terrified that Ben will be thrilled by this information, but he just smiles and says, “Yeah I kinda figured.” 

 

“But you don’t… you don’t like Rose?”

 

“I don’t like  _ Rose _ , no. And you… you don’t like Poe.” 

 

“Right.” 

 

There is nothing about this conversation that isn’t  _ fine _ but she doesn’t like it, and now she’s too stoned to think of why. The feeling just creeps under her skin and settles. 

 

He doesn’t like  _ Rose.  _ He didn’t say he didn’t like  _ anyone _ . But if he liked her, he wouldn’t say anyway. Would he? 

 

She waves away the joint when he tries to give it back to her, feeling confused and panicky. 

 

She’s quiet all the way home. 

 

~~~

 

Ben is almost sixteen, just a month away, and he’s set to take his driving test. 

 

Han has been teaching them both to drive, insisting they know how to drive stick. 

 

So they’re piled in his old Subaru, Ben in the driver's seat and Han beside him, Rey in the back. 

 

“Easy on the clutch,” Han says as Ben shifts. He nods. “Rey I think you shift smoother but Ben does know how to take these turns.” 

 

They are cruising down a canyon road and Rey smiles at Han’s words while Ben looks at her in the rear view and winks. 

 

She has the window down and her hair is blowing and she feels good, feels like freedom is closer than ever. 

 

Once Ben has his license they can do whatever they want. She can’t wait. 

 

“There you go, easy there,” Han says as Ben shifts again. “Nice, that’s it.” He sounds pleased. “You know, it might be harder to learn to drive manual but it’s worth it. Real chick magnet.” 

 

Han nudges Ben with his elbow, Ben rolls his eyes at Rey in the mirror and she smirks. 

 

“You never know,” Han says, “maybe you can finally impress that Kaydel girl you keep talking about.” 

 

Rey’s face snaps forward, but Ben isn’t looking at her, he’s looking at Han, eyes wide. 

 

“Oh I know, I know. Big secret. But it’s just Rey,” Han laughs. 

 

_ Just Rey.  _

 

It takes her brain a minute to catch up and when it does, she want to throw up. 

 

Ben has talked about Kaydel… to Han…. he… he likes…

 

“Uncle Han,” Rey says, “I’m getting car sick back here, can you pull over.” 

 

“Maybe you’re not as smooth on those turns as I thought,” Han says to Ben with a chuckle as he pulls the car over. 

 

Rey gets out and takes a deep breath, then she smiles at them. 

 

“I’m gonna run home, I’ll see you later.” 

 

“You sure you’re okay?” Han says. 

 

“Totally,” Rey flashes him a wide grin that he seems to accept without any questions. 

 

Ben on the other hand… Ben looks distraught. He looks like he wants to tell her something. 

 

She would rather die than hear it right now.

 

She taps the hood of the car and then she sets off, running back down the canyon road until tears blur her eyes and she has to stop.

 

She stagers into the woods, fingernails scraping along a tree for balance. 

 

Her feelings for Ben twist into something dark inside of her. She has never felt anger like this, never wanted to lean into it more than she does now. 

 

She has never considered herself cruel, has always looked at Leia and wondered how someone could hurt a person they love. 

 

She thinks she gets it a little more now.

 

Rey turns her head to the sky and she screams.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides*


	15. Oct - Dec 2011

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I woke up at 2am to write this send help

_ I could never pretend that I don't love you. _ __   
_ You could never pretend that I'm your man. _ __   
_ That's exactly the way that I want it. _ __   
_ That's exactly the way that I am. _ __   
  


_ And you call me in the morning with your troubles _ __   
_ Takin' it downtown every night _ __   
_ I could never place the stars at night above ya. _ __   
_ I got my hands on the ground, _ __   
_ And you know I'm right. _ __   
  


_ You wait so long _ __   
_ You wait so long _ __   
_ You wait so long _ _   
_ __ You wait so long

 

_ Wait So Long - Trampled by Turtles  _

  
  


2011

  
  


It’s bizarre not to know Ben the way she thinks she does. 

 

Rey sits in the woods for a long time, she feels stupid.

 

Ben loves her in a  _ normal _ , healthy way, and she— well  _ she _ —

 

And the look on his face!  Obviously he knows she feels  _ something _ , that’s why he was hiding this from her, it’s why he was practically shoving her toward Poe. 

 

Rey sobs, hand over her heart. She doesn’t want to go home, she can’t stomach seeing Ben just yet. She pulls her phone out of her pocket and scrolls. 

  
  


Rey: can I come over?

Rey: fighting w Ben 

Finn: ya def come thru 

Rey: I’m on foot see u in 30 mins

 

She runs all the way to Finn’s house. 

 

~~~

 

“So what are you and Ben fighting about.” 

 

“I don’t really wanna talk about it,” Rey says, knowing how shitty that sounds. “Sorry,” she winces. “The short of it that he was keeping secrets from me, which I am not at liberty to disclose to you, it’s just the fact that he didn’t—“ 

 

Rey gets choked up again. Finn puts a hand on her shoulder.

 

“It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about it.” 

 

Rey takes a shuddering breath. 

 

“It’s just— this has never happened. Feeling like I don’t  _ know  _ Ben and I hate it.”

 

“You guys are  _ so _ close,” Finn nods. “I know he’s your cousin but you guys almost seem like— twins? Kind of.  Two halves of a whole. I don’t know how to explain it. I’ve never seen anything like it. I know that you’re his favorite person, if he didn’t tell you something, he must have had a really good reason. And besides,” Finn says, “I’m sure you must have at least one thing you haven’t told Ben.” 

 

Rey can’t deny that there is, in fact,  _ one _ thing she has yet to admit to Ben. 

 

~~~

 

She goes home late, after dark, hoping that everyone will be asleep.

 

It seems likely, at first. It’s dark and quiet and all the doors are shut. She hears a tv on low somewhere down the hall.

 

She opens the door to her room and turns on the light and nearly screams. 

 

Ben is laying in her bed, eyes wide on her. 

 

“Jesus Ben, are you trying to kill me?” 

 

“Sorry, no I— I thought you’d be home way earlier.” He rubs his eyes. “I fell asleep.” 

 

“Okay well,” Rey shrugs, surprised to find that none of her anger has really faded. “I’m home, you can get some sleep.” 

 

“Are you mad at me? I can feel— you feel mad at me,” Ben says, as if that makes any sense. 

 

Except that it does. 

 

She can feel him too. 

 

_ Frantic _ . 

 

“No I’m not mad, I just got car sick and then Finn texted me and I went over to his place, lost track of time. I— I’m sorry.” 

 

Rey does not want to have any other version of this conversation. 

 

“You’re sure?” Ben’s eyes narrow, and he steps closer to her, looking down at her. “There’s nothing you think— nothing we should talk about?” 

 

His voice is gentle, but the tone is solem and apologetic already and she will  _ not _ hear another word. 

 

She is backpedaling so fast her feet are bleeding. 

 

“Ben, it’s the middle of the night. I’m sorry I didn’t text you, you know service is shit at Finn’s. I would tell if you I was mad I would tell you if—“

 

She wouldn’t. Obviously. 

 

“It’s fine if you wanna hang with Kay, I don’t care. I’ve been harboring a little  _ crush _ for a while too, I just get weird talking about it with you.” 

 

Rey has never lied to Ben like this, and she can see he is torn between his promise to always believe her and his gut telling him this is wrong.

 

“Who?”

 

“Hux,” Rey says, because he is the cutest besides Ben. 

 

Ben looks like someone who has just been given terrible news, but is trying not to look spooked for the sake of a small child.

 

Rey wonders if that makes her the child. 

 

“Rey you know I would never—  _ never _ —“ 

 

_ Never touch you. Never want you.  _ She braces herself. 

 

“Never want to see you unhappy,” he finishes, shaky 

 

Her heart softens. Besides, she feels like she’s taken some power back with her confession and it makes her less angry and… it’s still just  _ Ben _ standing in front of her.

 

She steps forward and presses her forehead to his chest. Slowly, his hands find her back. 

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. She isn’t going to say  _ for what  _ because _ they will never speak of it  _ but she hopes he sees she’s trying to— trying to be...

 

_ Normal _ . 

 

Ben pulls her into arms, holding her and she realizes he’s been shaking. 

 

“Shhh,” she whispers, and she guides them back through the bathroom and into Ben’s room. He goes willingly, watching her curiously. She gets into his bed and motions for him to join her and pauses for a moment, clearly unsure. 

 

It’s a confirmation of some sort. It doesn’t feel good.

 

“Let me just play with your hair while you fall asleep, then I’ll go back to my room.” 

 

Ben exhales heavily and nods. He lies down next to Rey, his back to her so he’s the little spoon. She plays with his hair. 

 

She can’t stay mad at him, or rather she thinks she _could_ and she chooses _not_ _to_ which seems more powerful, somehow. She lets the anger bleed out of her and she can see Ben relax, fall into sleep. 

 

She only watches him for a few minutes, until she’s sure he’s really sleeping. Then she quietly leaves his room.

  
  


~~~

 

Han gives Ben the Subaru for his sixteenth birthday. He is elated. Leia tells Rey she will be getting a  _ new Honda Civic  _ and not a death trap. 

 

_ “ _ I tried to talk him out of this,” she tells them all. “He wouldn’t hear it.” 

 

Ben hugs Han, and then he hesitates in front of Leia, a knee jerk reaction before bending to kiss her cheek.

 

Ben gets his license a few days later and since he and Rey are related he’s allowed to drive them to and from school, at least, and anywhere else as long as they don’t break state curfew. 

 

They go for a drive immediately. 

 

Rey has never felt freedom quite like this. They tear through the canyons, out into the highway, heading toward the city. Rey squeaks with delight. 

 

It’s the most fun she’s had with Ben in weeks. 

 

It’s been… off. She’s pretty sure it’s her fault, the way she reacted to the whole Kaydel thing, and Ben’s panic when she didn’t come home. 

 

He had made it worse in his own mind and he— he looks at her a little differently now. 

 

She isn’t sure it’s a good thing. He looks fucking sad.

 

So she is determined not to push it, she isn’t willing to ruin whatever she does have with Ben for some imaginary idea— some utter fantasy. 

  
  


And no way in hell were they have  _ a conversation about it.  _

 

So yeah. It was a little bit off.

  
  


But like  _ this _ , windows cracked and heat on, a warm bubble against the November mist with the radio blasting, it felt amazing. 

 

“Oh man, fuck running,” Rey says. Ben bursts out laughing.

 

“Find something faster?”

 

“Oh yeah,” she grins. 

 

They drive forty miles out just to get ice cream. It’s a dream. She makes Ben finish his cone before getting back in the car, and he slurps it obnoxiously, making her snort.

 

She trusts him but… he needs both hands, he does go fast. 

 

He does go fast, but truth of it is this: with the music blasting and sugar in her system and Ben racing through the canyons, the light from the sun catching the fog in long strips through the trees, driving off a cliff doesn’t sound like the worst way to go. 

 

If she has to die, she thinks she’d like to do it while holding hands with Ben, free as hell and in a ball of fire. 

 

So really, when she thinks about it like that, she isn’t scared of anything at all. 

 

~~~

 

Nana Paddy comes for Christmas. 

 

Rey is relieved to see her, both for her calming effect on Leia and because she missed her a lot. 

 

Rey doesn’t have the same claim to Han and Leia that Ben does. They  _ are  _ her family, her blood, well Leia is… Ben too. 

 

But she’s an orphan, and they will never really be her parents, but Nana Paddy… well Nana Paddy is just as much here as Ben’s. They both have her blood in their bodies. Ben has her sharp tongue and knack for teasing and Rey has her patience and stubbornness when she knows she’s right. 

 

She feels like she belongs when her grandmother is there. As if her father might just be out on an errand, or right around the corner, ready to come into the room…

 

Christmas will always be weird with dead parents. At least a little bit. 

 

But Nana Paddy helps.

 

She tells a lot of stories about Luke, and a few about Reina, Rey’s mother. She died in childbirth, and Rey doesn’t remember her at all. 

 

It feels like hearing ghost stories. 

 

She thinks about what kind of mother she might have been, had she lived. 

 

It would have been just her and Rey, if Luke still… or maybe everything would have been different, maybe she would have had them both. 

 

_ But you don’t _ , the voice in her head says. But it isn’t mean, or taunting. It’s just true. 

 

She looks at Ben where he sits cross legged and huge on the couch, a goofy grin on his face as he laughs at something Nana Paddy just said. 

 

Would she trade the life she could have had, the possibility of a normal, happy family, if it meant she got to stay here forever and grow up with Ben? 

 

_ Yes. _

 

The idea that she could possibly wish away her reality suddenly startles her, the way it had when she was young, after Luke died. Unsure of how she could fix this, of what magic might still be real. 

 

It doesn’t  _ really _ scare her now, but her answer still makes her uneasy because  _ yes, yes, yes.  _

 

She would trade them over and over and over. 

 

~~~

 

Nana Paddy finds her in the kitchen, mixing hot chocolate.

 

She winks, and pulls out a little flask of rum, raising her eyebrows at Rey. 

 

Rey nods and Nana Paddy pours some rum into her drink. 

 

It makes it spicy and delicious. 

 

Rey smiles into the cup and then looks over at her grandma. 

 

“Hey, you okay?” she asks. Padmé is staring out into the living room with a sad look. 

 

“Sometimes I think I failed her, you know. Both of them.”

 

Rey swallows. 

 

“Is this about— about our grandfather?” 

 

Padmé turns her eyes to Rey and they soften. 

 

“What do you know?” 

 

“Nothing I’m supposed to,” she says. “Only things I’ve heard her— awful things. She can be…” Rey’s eyes dart to Leia and then back to her grandmother. “Mean. To Ben.” 

 

Nana Paddy sighs deeply, nodding. 

 

“Time is so weird, Rey. You can’t see what’s happening when you’re in it, but you step away for a while, get farther away from your own feelings and suddenly… it all seems so clear. I would do a lot of things differently. And I watch my daughter make mistakes and I know she will regret and yet— she is in it. Too close, nose to the picture. She cannot see.”

 

“He tries so hard,” Rey whispers. 

 

“Believe it or not,” Nana Paddy whispers back, “she does too.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	16. Jan - March 2012

_you’re a door-without-a-key,  
_ _a field-without-a-fence  
_ _you made a holy fool of me  
_ _and I've thanked you ever since_

 _  
_ _and if you come circling back  
__we'll end where we'd begun  
__like two pennies on the train track  
__the train crushed into one_

_In a Sweater Poorly Knit - MeWithoutYou_

 

2012

 

It turns out it’s totally legal to marry your first cousin in California.

 

Rey finds this out on a freezing January morning, curled up in bed with her laptop, an incognito window open.

 

It’s not legal _everywhere_ . Definitely not in Texas, where it’s a straight up felony, but where she lives… where _they_ live…

 

She isn’t foolish enough to take it as some kind of go ahead. She knows her family and her friends would all be disgusted. Leia would— she has no idea, actually. She doesn’t really want to find out.

 

She sighs and closes the browser, feeling dirty, as if she’s been looking at incest porn instead of nuptial laws.

 

She _hasn’t_ been. Not on purpose anyway, if she sometimes _happens_ to see a video while looking for other things…

 

That’s really no one’s business, is it.

 

Frustrated and anxious, she closes her computer and stands.

 

It’s dark out, even though it’s past nine in the morning. It’s raining and gray and awful out and she hates it.

 

They’re still on winter break, but Han and Leia both have work, so it’s just her and Ben in the house.

 

The wind howls, a storm is coming. It means they will be stuck inside all day.

 

She groans and goes downstairs to make coffee.

 

Ben is at the kitchen counter in his pajamas, coffee in hand.

 

“Morning sunshine,” he says when he sees Rey’s pout, “there’s more in the pot.”

 

“It’s awful out,” she complains.

 

“I know. It’s the worst.”

 

Rey pouts some more as she takes out a pan and some eggs.

 

“Hungry?” She asks, and Ben nods.

 

She makes them breakfast.

 

It’s so domestic, so normal. She figures most girls have to fantasize about making breakfast for the person they love on cold, stormy mornings.

 

Rey has it, and with it an expiration date. She can’t keep this forever, has maybe two years left, as it is.

 

Everything is backwards, for them. They can only grow apart now.

 

Something awful rips through her chest and she has to stop cooking, put her hand on her heart.

 

She isn’t facing Ben but he turns his head to her and says, “Are you okay?” as if he can feel her heart break, distantly and muffled.

 

“Just wish I could run,” she says, which he accepts, humming in agreement.

 

“Well listen, it won’t be so bad. We can marathon some movies and play video games and there is at least three frozen pizzas in the basement fridge so we’re set.”

 

He’s trying to make her feel better. It’s working.

 

She smiles as she plates their eggs and takes a seat next to him at the counter.

 

“You’re right,” she says, “that doesn’t sound that bad.”

 

~~~

 

It’s a good thing they make all three pizzas around noon, because at 2pm, the power cuts out.

 

Rey: no power @ house but we have food and charged phones for now

Leia: Okay. I’m still @ office, picking up Han early, want to make it home before it’s worse.

Rey: Okay

 

“They’re coming back early, worried about the roads,” Rey says, looking up at her cousin.

 

“Makes sense,” he says.

 

They can’t play video games or watch movies anymore, the laptops have a bit of charge but they’re using them to keep their phones on.

 

Leia: mudslide @ bottom of the hill. Won’t be able to get up there. You guys ok for tonight? Make a fire, eat anything in the fridge that will go bad. Meat and dairy, we will get to u when the storm passes and they clear the road.

 

It’s possible that Leia and Han could drive all the way around and try the back of the canyon, but it would take hours and be dangerous in this weather.

 

Rey: no worries we are fine. Just stay safe.

 

“Okay I guess they can’t get back, mudslide. We’re on our own.”

 

Ben looks at Rey and it’s quiet for a moment. Charged.

 

They’re alone, probably for the night, with _nothing_ to do. It’s like a bad porno.

 

Rey looks down at her hands.

 

“Let’s make a fire,” he says, “before it gets too cold. You clear the grate and I’ll bring wood in from the basement.”

 

Rey nods, thankful for something to do.

 

The sun sets around 5:00 most days but it’s nearly full dark at 3:30 today, she has to use her phone flashlight.

 

Rey opens the grate for the fireplace and can hear the wind. She sweeps up the ashes and trashes the charred logs.

 

Ben comes back with wood and he starts to pile it strategically, kindling at the bottom.

 

They light the fire and the soft glow and warmth from the flames washes over them.

 

They have a gas stove, so she boils some water and mixes in hot cocoa packets, she’s carrying them back to Ben just as a massive crash sounds outside.

 

They both turn toward the window, terrified.

 

Behind the house is woods, like what Ben’s room looks out over, but this side looks out at the water far below, just like Rey’s room. The sea is churning, loud and dangerous, but the sound they heard was something else.

 

“I’ll go look,” Ben says, and Rey wants to clutch him but both her hands have mugs in them, and her throat is dry.

 

Ben pulls on boots and a coat and steps into the yard.

 

Rey is afraid, which seems stupid. It’s just a storm, a tree fell, probably.

 

But that means another could too. Could fall on the house, on Ben outside.

 

She puts the mugs down and runs after him, still barefoot.

 

It’s raining hard, and it’s so cold, but she sees him just a few yards away, looking at a massive felled tree in the driveway.

 

Ben’s car is in the garage. For once. If it wasn’t, it would be smashed. He looks kind of stunned.

 

She calls for him but the sound of the wind carries her voice away.

 

She doesn’t like this.

 

She runs for him; grabbing him by the wrist. He looks a little surprised to see her but he follows her back into the house.

 

They’re wet and she’s shaking, more from fear than the cold when they get inside and slam the door.

 

“I’m scared,” she says, and she sounds it.

 

Ben actually looks surprised as he takes off his shoes and coat. She is not usually the one to be frightened, but everything feels so upside down lately and the idea of a tree coming in through a window and crushing Ben before her eyes seems not that far away.

 

“It’s okay,” he says, and he puts a hand on her shoulder. “You’re shaking,” he whispers.

 

“I just have a bad feeling.”

 

Ben pulls her toward the fire, and she sits on the hearth. He follows her down. She pushes off her wet hoodie so she’s only in her tank top, it’s thin and her nipples are hard from the cold. She realizes it too late, and goes to pull the wet hoodie back over her when Ben speaks.

 

“Wait,” he says. He looks absolutely hungry. “Turn around.”

 

She’s already shaking, so it only gets a _bit_ worse at his words.

 

She turns her back to him and he moves closer, bringing his hands to her shoulders.

 

Despite the cold and the rain his hands are warm. Her skin is freezing, and it feels so good to have him touch her. She sighs.

 

He begins to rub her shoulders, his hands covering her nearly completely as he kneads her muscles.

 

She lets her head roll forward, tries not to groan as he digs his fingers in. She can’t really help it, though, and a low, rough sound comes from her lips. She curls her hands into fists.

 

“Tell me if I’m hurting you,” Ben says.

 

“You’re not, it feels so good.”

 

He exhales. His hands move a little faster, dig a little deeper.

 

Rey bites her lip and waits for hands to soften, which they do after a few minutes. He runs the blunt end of his fingernails first over her spine, then her shoulders, raising goosebumps as they trail down her arms.

 

“Better?” He asks softly.

 

Rey is so hot that she thinks if she fell into the fire, she wouldn’t even notice.

 

She nods, shaky, and stands. She turns to face him, and his eyes drop quickly to her tits again before coming back to her face.

 

“I should go put on something warmer.”

 

He nods, shrugging, causal. She doesn’t feel casual.

 

She rushes off to change.

 

~~~

 

They are snuggling on the couch a while later, Ben is reading to her by the light of the fire while she leans her head on his shoulder.

 

His arm is around her, his fingers tracing lazy patterns on her skin.

 

She falls asleep to the sound of his voice, keeping her grounded despite the sounds of the world ripping apart in the wind outside.

 

~~~

 

Sometime later she wakes up, squinting into the light. Every light is on, it’s so bright, Why is it so bright?

 

“Ben,” she says, he’s asleep on the couch next to her, her feet are over his knees and his hand curls against her ankle for a moment before he opens his eyes.

 

“The lights,” he says.

 

“Powers back.”

 

Slowly they stand, going to the window and looking down.

 

The storm has passed, it’s near dawn, the sky warming to pale, inky blue.

 

The sea below is calm.

 

Ben turns from the window and walks to the back of the house, Rey follows.

 

The woods still stand, of course they do, it doesn’t look much different. The large, felled tree is down, and some other branches but nothing terrible.

 

They both sigh, relieved.

 

The world still stands.

 

~~~

 

When school starts again, Ben seems indifferent toward Kaydel.

 

Rey really thought that once she _knew_ about Kaydel, it would just _happen._

 

But Ben doesn’t seem any different around her, he doesn’t seem awkward or overly interested.

 

Rey isn’t going to push it. She wonders if he’s holding back to spare her feelings, since she acted so ridiculous at just the mention of—

 

Well if that is the case she’s secretly glad, and certainly has no plans to tell him to _go for it._

 

She does look at Hux a bit more.

 

Hux _is_ cute. He’s kind of goofy looking but in an adorable way. He has a big smile that transforms his entire face, and he always has his skateboard and skinned knees and elbows in a way that makes Rey sure he doesn’t mind falling down, maybe even enjoys it.

 

He has freckles, which she likes.

 

She wonders if she could ever date him.

 

She honestly doesn’t know, when she tries to picture it she just— her brain shuts down.

 

 _Ben_ , she thinks, _Ben. Ben. Ben._

 

~~~

 

She’s sitting with Rose at one of Ben’s swim meets when the other girl looks at her, head tilting.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Rose says.

 

“Sure,” Rey shrugs, looking down to the other girl.

 

“Are you gay?”

 

Rey is momentarily shocked into silence. Then; “What?”

 

“Well it’s just that you never really talk about boys, which is _so fine_ but I just wanted you to know if you wanted to talk to me about girls, you can. You know my sister, Paige? She and Jess have been— a thing— for a while. It’s not really a secret they just are low key.”

 

“Oh well, I— I’m not—“ Rey says, but then she thinks about it. It’s an easy out, if she goes for it. But it doesn’t feel like a thing you should lie about.

 

Then she thinks about Ari, kissing her at camp, playing with her hair and sneaking embraces behind buildings.

 

“I don’t know,” Rey says honestly. Maybe she isn’t _straight,_ even if gay seems a little extreme.

 

“Well if you wanna talk about it, I won’t tell anyone.” Rose says.

 

“Thanks, Rose.”

 

Rey means it.

 

~~~

 

It’s March, a week before Rey turns sixteen, Mitty throws a party.

 

It’s _a party_. There are kegs of beer and bottles of liquor and everyone crowds every available space, drinking and smoking and kissing.

 

It’s loud, and it smells like weed and beer sweat and within minutes she’s standing in the kitchen, taking shots with Ben and Gwen and Hux and Finn.

 

They take a few, fast, and then slink off into the smoke and music.

 

It’s _fun_.

 

She’s dancing with Finn and Gwen, sandwiched between them, grinding.

 

Poe comes over with a joint and puts it in her lips, she inhales deeply.

 

At some point she takes her hair down. It’s warm and hazy inside and she’s laughing.

 

She feels good. A little drunk, a little stoned, very happy, clutching Finn and laughing.  

 

Eventually, she winds her way outside, pushing through various kids and turning down various bottles.

 

She finds Ben outside, sitting with Poe, Rose, Paige, Hux and Mitty, a few other kids she recognizes from school.

 

“Rey!” Ben yells, and Rey blinks at him, smiling. He’s wasted. “Look at my cousin, guys. Isn’t she gorgeous.”

 

Rey blushes, eyes darting to her friends, landing on Rose.

 

It’s not an _odd_ thing to say, really, but it’s not like Ben to throw compliments around.

 

“Fucking gorgeous,” he says again, and he tries to stand, nearly falling.

 

“See, if you weren’t falling on your ass, you saying anything nice about me would have been a clear sign you’re wasted,” Rey says with a laugh, trying to downplay his words and how her heart is racing. “I’m taking this one home,” she says.

 

Everyone boos as they leave, yelling how much they love them. Rey waves them off.

 

They onky live about fifteen minutes away by foot, sober and fast, so Rey figures it’s at least thirty like this. But Ben isn’t so drunk he can’t walk, his path is just wide and winding as they wander down the driveway to the road.

 

Once they hit the road he puts his hands up and laughs, and then he charges Rey, picking her up.

 

“Ben!” she cries.

 

He has her over his shoulder, like he always does, but this time his hand comes up and playfully swats her ass.

 

She yelps and jumps down, jaw dropping.

 

“I can’t believe you did that!” she says, scandalized.

 

“I always wanted to,” Ben confesses to her, smiling.

 

He is _really_ drunk.

 

“Oh sure,” she says, laughing.

 

“Seriously. I meant what I said Rey. Gorgeous, look at you. I don’t get why they’re not all falling at your feet all the time.”

 

Rey is breathing so fast. He doesn’t know what he’s saying. She turns to look at him and he looks intense, staring at her in a way he _never_ would if he was sober.

 

“Ben,” she whispers. They’re still walking, it’s dark, but the moon is full and it means she can see the trees on either side of them and the road ahead. She can see his face just fine like this. And they can hear the sea down in the distance.

 

“I would, if I could.”

 

“Would what?” Her voice is shaking.

 

“Fall at your feet.”

 

She has no idea what to say that. He’s obviously wasted, he would never tell her this otherwise. She doesn’t stop walking, she just slides closer to him and takes his hand.

 

Does he mean it? Is he going to wake up mortified and regretful.

 

She swallows thickly as they walk, his thumb plays over her hand.

 

She is so in love with him, she has no idea _how_ she manages not to throw herself at him right there, because in the state he’s in, she thinks he might say yes.

 

 _And then he will hate you_ she reminds herself.

 

She gets them inside quietly enough, drags Ben to his room and pulls off his shoes, puts water by his bed.

 

“Goodnight,” she whispers, but he grabs her hand, tugging her down onto his bed.

 

“Stay,” he begs her.

 

She can’t. Not like this. There’s no way he will keep his hands off of her and no way she asks him to, no way she tells him to stop.

 

“Okay,” she says, “you lay down and I’ll be back in a few. Let me change.”

 

Ben nods, and he curls up into a ball.

 

Rey goes and showers. She takes her time. She pulls on soft pajamas and brushes out her hair.

 

She figures Ben passes out nearly instantly, but she doesn’t have the willpower to go check. Either way, he’s quiet now.

 

She gets into her bed instead and tries to calm her bleeding heart, knowing how close she came tonight to the thing she wants most, and realizing how much she is still terrified to get it.

 

 _You’re not scared of having him though_ she thinks, imagining instead his horror in the morning, _you’re scared of getting him and then losing him._

 

She can’t think of anything that would be worse than that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this with a fever in between naps lol sorry


	17. April - June 2012

_ And I will wait for you tonight _ __   
_ You’re here forever and you’re by my side _ __   
_ I’ve been waiting all my life _ __   
_ To feel your heart as it’s keeping time _ __   
_ We’ll do whatever just to stay alive _ __   
  


_ Dawn is coming _ __   
_ Open your eyes _ __   
  


_ Stay Alive - Jose Gonzalez  _

  
  


_ 2012 _

 

The Solo’s surprise Rey for her birthday. It’s dinner at a local restaurant, a few small gifts and a little cake with a single candle. 

 

Then when they get to the parking lot Han sets off the car alarm, and Rey looks up to see a car. 

 

She does indeed get a new Honda Civic. It’s white and shiny and it has a giant bow on it, like some kind of MTV special. 

 

She totally cries. 

 

Han and Leia let her drive it home, Ben in the front seat, even though she only has her permit.  _ Technically _ . 

 

She gets her license the next week, just as April rolls in, warm and balmy. 

 

~~~

 

She gets another gift, of sorts, later in April. 

 

Ben and Rey are studying for finals, the dining room table is cluttered with laptops and flashcards and text books and pages of notes. 

 

“I’ve been thinking about summer plans,” Leia says, coming into the dining room. 

 

“Oh?” Rey says, putting her pen down. 

 

“I think it’s time you kids got summer jobs, don’t you? You’re a little old for camp and we’re not doing Europe  _ every _ year.” 

 

Rey and Ben exchange a glance. The idea of spending summer here, together, working for their own money… it sounds great. 

 

“Totally,” Rey says. “We can start looking right after finals.” 

 

Leia nods, pleased, and leaves the room. 

 

It’s no French field, but Rey will take it.

 

~~~

 

It’s warm enough to swim again, beautiful out, and Rey and Ben have just finished finals. 

 

There’s another month of school, they don’t get out until early June. 

 

Rey changes into her bikini and ties her hair on top of her head before slipping back downstairs. 

 

Ben is already swimming, but he stops when she comes outside and looks at her. 

 

He  _ looks _ at her. 

 

It makes her itch to cover herself, but she doesn’t. She sits on the edge of the pool, just putting her legs in, kicking them softly. 

 

Ben swims over to her. 

 

His hair curls when it’s wet like this. He looks like he was made for the water, strong in it, glistening. 

 

He swims up between her legs. Rey fights the instinct to pull back, to kick at him. Her legs are spread like this, and he’s just teasing her, treading water too close. 

 

Her eyes dart to the house, but they’re alone. Probably will be for another hour or so. 

 

“Hi,” Ben says softly. 

 

“Hey,” she says. Casual. 

 

“You wanna get in here?” 

 

She licks her lips and nods. Ben takes her hand and tugs. She slides into the water, holding her body straight so she sinks all the way down before rising. 

 

He’s still really close to her, and she’s treading water right next to him. 

 

There’s been a different kind of tension between them since winter, an  _ understanding.  _

 

She doesn’t doubt that Ben wants her, she can see it. If not all the time, certainly in moments like this. 

 

It’s just that they’re not going to  _ do anything _ about it. 

 

He swims a little closer, she swims a little bit away. She swims toward him, and he ducks under her, popping up right behind her to spit water in her face. 

 

They’re getting good at this dance. 

 

Suddenly Ben disappears under her. A second later she’s being lifted. He’s managed to get under her, head between her legs and hoisting her up onto his shoulders. 

 

Rey squeals and grabs his hair for support. Ben is laughing hard, but Rey is hyper aware that her crotch is rubbing against the back of his head, that his hands are tracing up her legs. 

 

She’s wet in more way than one. 

 

She’s shivering, despite the sun, everything is intense and she’s on edge.

 

And then he throws her.

 

He’s cracking up when she surfaces, sputtering. 

 

She dives for him and puts her hands on his head, trying to force him him under. 

 

She uses his head for leverage and it puts her breasts his face. 

 

She feels his mouth graze her collarbone. 

 

He’s too strong for her to dunk and he catches her, tossing her instead. 

 

She tries again, and again, until she’s tired and laughing and has to float to catch her breath. 

 

He floats next to her, taking her hand. 

 

A cloud passes the sun, throwing them into darkness for a only moment, and then the light returns. 

 

~~~

 

They’re really, really high. 

 

Han and Leia went into the city for the evening, it’s their anniversary, and so Ben and Rey smoke weed in her room. 

 

It’s late May, and they throw the windows open and put a fan on and roll the biggest blunt Rey has ever seen. 

 

They watch a Miyazaki marathon. Totoro, Kiki’s Delivery Service, Spirited Away. 

 

It’s warm and hazy in her room. She’s in just shorts and a tank top. Ben’s in basketball shorts and a T-shirt. 

 

They’re relaxed in a way they can only be when they have the house to themselves, their legs are tangled in the bed, over the covers. She’s playing with a Ben’s hair while he tries to focus on what Chihiro is doing, but he keeps closing his eyes and leaning into her. 

 

They have so many snacks around them, she’s sure her bed will have crumbs. She doesn’t care. She wants to stay like this forever. 

 

Usually, either whoever’s room their  _ not _ in makes the call to leave when their eyes get heavy and the room is dark. 

 

But not tonight. Ben makes no move to leave, and she is not going to ask him to. 

 

They fall asleep like that, tangled together. 

 

Once, Rey wakes in the night, moving snacks and her laptop to the floor. 

 

She snuggles back into bed. She has no idea how many more times she will get to do this. Everything about their time together feels numbered. 

 

She lays her head on her chest and in his sleep he pulls her closer. 

 

She lets him. 

 

~~~

 

Rey wakes first. 

 

She’s still snuggling with Ben, his arms around her and their legs tangled together. 

 

She shifts a little, stretching slightly and— and feels it. Ben is  hard against her thigh. 

 

She remembers the last time she felt him like this, how fast she moved away. 

 

She doesn’t move away this time.

 

He’s flat on his back and she’s curled on top of him a bit, so her thigh is against his erection and her center is pressing into his hip bone. They’ve kicked off the blankets.

 

Rey moves her hips a little, pressing her thigh harder against him. He huffs a little in his sleep. 

 

She does it again, and  _ again _ . 

 

She can feel him getting harder against her, and it feels so good where she rubs on him— a pressure right at her center. 

 

She brings a hand up and starts to play with his hair, gentle and soft, just like she always does. 

 

She slowly rubs her thigh against him, so slowly, so softly, until his eyes finally flutter open. 

 

He looks at her, blinking away sleep and confusion. 

 

She rocks against him again and he gasps a little, grabs her hip with one of his massive hands. 

 

Ben’s eyes are dark, his cheeks flush from sleep and— and maybe whatever she’s doing. He presses his forehead against hers and whispers, “What are you doing?” 

 

“I’m not doing anything,” she whispers back. There’s no one else home, they don’t need to be this quiet. 

 

Except that of course they do. 

 

Ben just huffs another breath, but he isn’t stopping her. He isn’t yelling at her, isn’t jumping out of bed in horror. 

 

Her heart is beating so fucking fast. 

 

She thinks if they can just do this without talking about it, without acknowledging what’s going on— it won’t even count. 

 

But Ben grunts a little and his hips stutter up against her and, “Rey,” he says, his voice is a warning. 

 

“Do you want me to stop?” she whispers, already on the edge of tears. But she has to ask. She has to. 

 

“ _ No _ ,” he says, and his hand digs into her hip, hard enough to bruise. He sounds desperate, he tucks his face against her neck as she starts to grind a little harder. 

 

She can hear both of their hearts and they’re  _ so _ loud. She runs her fingers through his hair, tugging harder than she normally would and he moans. 

 

“Rey,” he whispers, and he pulls back to look at her. “This is such a bad idea.” 

 

“I know,” she agrees, but they’re not stopping. She’s still moving against him. “But it’s just me, just us. No one’s gonna know.” 

 

Ben nods, he looks fucking bewildered. Like he’s not sure he isn’t dreaming. 

 

“Ben,” she pleads, and she slides a hand down between them, pressing against the outline of her cousins cock. 

 

Ben’s mouth opens in surprise and he rushes to close the distance between them, pressing his mouth against Rey’s. 

 

Holy shit. Ben is kissing her. He tastes a little stale from sleep but she could not give less of a shit because it’s Ben, Ben, Ben. 

 

Rey thinks she’s gonna cry. It’s so good. 

 

Ben’s mouth over hers, his hand digging into her hip, his penis swollen between them.

 

She moans, pressing against his erection with her hand, learning its shape. 

 

“Oh shit,” Ben says, pulling back to look at her, and then he’s rolling them, pinning her underneath him. 

 

“Rey,” he groans, and he kisses her again, wet and soft. 

 

Rey is not an expert in kissing by any means, but  _ this _ has to be something else. There’s no way it should feel this— this electric.

 

She brings her hands to his hair, peppering his face with little kisses as he slots against her. His erection presses against her in a way that’s absolutely  _ delicious  _ and she moans— then covers her mouth with her hand, embarrassed. 

 

Ben pushes her hand away from her mouth, shaking his head. He kisses her again as he starts to thrust against her, rocking them.

 

Rey whimpers and Ben kisses her ear, shushing her gently. 

 

He cradles her face and she does the same. Their eyes are locked as their bodies grind and thrust against each other. 

 

All their clothes are on, but Rey feels absolutely naked. 

 

Ben’s holding onto her and writhing and he’s panting heavily. 

 

_ This is how he looks when he jerks off  _ she thinks, and she feels herself slide closer to the edge. 

 

She’s going to cum like this. She thinks he might too. 

 

He’s pushing against her hard and it makes her toes curl, makes her bare her neck to him so he can press his mouth there, tender and wet. 

 

“Ben,” she gasps, and her eyes fly open. Her whole body shivers, her legs draw up to hold him closer to her. 

 

“Are you?” he whispers, and _she_ _is._ She cries out before she can help it, cumming hard against him. “Oh my god,” he groans, kissing her again. 

 

She’s shaking and gasping as she comes down and he hikes her leg up, thrusting against her harder and with a desperation she never imagined. 

 

He’s using her body to get off on, gripping her tight and losing control and she thinks she might cum again, just from knowing that.

 

“Ben,” she whispers, and she runs her hands through his hair, playing with it like she always does. 

 

That is what does him in, she can tell. His eyes go wide and dark, holding hers, and his face screws up like he’s in pain. 

 

She knows he isn’t. 

 

“Rey?” he gasps, and it sounds like a question. 

 

“ _ Yes _ ,” she answers, and his eyes screw up tight as his hips jerk one last time and he makes a rough little sound. 

 

She can feel his cum wet his shorts, her leg.

 

They’re breathing so hard, clutching each other and panting. 

 

She kisses him again, and his mouth moves lazily against hers.

 

“Shit,” he says, rolling off her. 

 

“Yeah,” she agrees. “Shit.” 

 

But she’s fucking elated. 

 

_ Finally. Finally.  _ They can do this for real. 

 

Rey wants him to smother her, wrap them up in the covers and kiss her until she’s crying. 

 

But he doesn’t.

 

He pulls her close to his body, so her head is on his chest, and then, as gentle as ever, he whispers, “I think we really need to talk.”

 

His tone says everything she needs to know, so she doesn’t answer him. Just presses closer to his body, trying to hold onto this feeling for a little while, before she knows it will be taken away.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I have had a tough month w a sick pup and could use a little extra love. If you’re interested in supporting my writing/helping me out check out the pinned tweet on my Twitter :) much love 2 all hope you enjoyed ;)


	18. June 2nd 2012

_If you don't eat yourself_  
_No doubt the pain will instead_  
_If you don't eat yourself_  
_You will explode instead_  
  
_Cause how could I love you so_  
_When I know you don't love me_  
_You who laughs alone_  
_Get wicked, get it done_  
  
_Who will I be when I'm with you again_  
_Silver jet in the sky_  
_You are the pain_  
_Got a song, got to sing_ _  
_ For life

 

_Eat Yourself - Goldfrapp_

 

~~~

 

_2012_

 

Rey tries to convince herself that talking will be a good thing.

 

Why wouldn’t it be? They _should_ talk after what they just did.

 

Ben is in the shower. Washing off the— _yeah_ . She shivers, thinking about the way he looked when he— she shivers _again_. She can’t even finish a thought. Her heart is still racing.

 

She lies back on her bed and tries to catch her breath.

 

She’s too nervous to do anything but wait. Whatever Ben wants to say, she wants to hear it now.

 

Get it out of the way.

 

He comes back a few minutes later, showered and clean and looking untouchable in a plain white shirt and dark jeans.

 

She’s still in her shorts and tank top. It’s Sunday, and Han and Leia will be back some time this afternoon.

 

“Hey,” he says gently, sitting down next to her.

 

She curls her knees to her chest and just looks at him.

 

He’s quiet.

 

“Ben please, whatever you want to say— just say it. My heart can’t handle this.”

 

“I love you,” Ben says, but he still looks sad. “I have always loved you. But Rey… you know we can’t do this.”

 

“Why not?” Her words are mostly breath.

 

Ben tilts his head, eyes narrowing.

 

“Rey… there is _no way_ you and I can be together.” He sounds so fucking certain. Like his mind has been made up for a long time. “I mean. How would that even work? We would definitely get caught and god— I can’t even think about it. Don’t you know what Leia would do? We would _never_ see each other again, she would make sure if it.” Ben shakes his head. Rey curls up on herself even more. Horror watches over her.

 

“But I love you,” she whispers. “And you said you— you said you love me?”

 

“I do,” Ben says darkly, and he reaches for her, running his hands over her legs. “Rey. I love you. But that doesn’t matter, that never mattered. This isn’t about what I want, what we want.”

 

“It can be,” she urges him.

 

Ben stands so fast she doesn’t even see him move.

 

“Wake up!” he yells. “I can’t believe I even have to explain this to you,” he’s pacing around. Rey’s anger boils in her gut.

 

“Explain _what?”  She is seething._

 

“That we don’t get a happy ending, Rey. That this particular love story is a fucking tragedy. Romeo and Juliet dead on the floor. There was never another way for us.”

 

Ben is on the edge of tears, he looks wild and angry with her and she— she is furious.

 

“So that’s it?! That’s decided? What the fuck was all— all of this— every little—“

 

She can’t bring herself to say it. _All the flirting._

 

“It was toeing a line I didn't want to cross, taking more than I deserve. And I’m so sorry. I promise you, it will _never_ happen again.”

 

He tries to come closer, to touch her, and she pushes him away.

 

“No,” she says. “No. I don’t accept.”

 

Ben looks stunned.

 

“This isn’t a negotiation,” he tells her. “I don’t wanna date Kaydel, I don’t wanna be with anyone else, and I won’t. Not while we’re living together. But Rey… eventually you and I are going to need space, we’re going to need to go different ways and give ourselves a fighting chance at normal and because… because I love you more than anything but this isn’t _anything_ Rey _,_ this _everything_.”

 

Rey is going to lose it. She isn’t sure if she’s going to scream or puke, but she pushes past Ben, grabbing a hoodie and slipping her feet into flip flops, and then she’s running.

 

“Rey,” he calls after her, but she isn’t hearing it.

 

Ben is wrong. He’s somehow convinced himself that this is impossible, that it isn’t worth it and she can’t look at him.

 

Rey would give up her entire world for Ben. Hasn’t she already?

 

She grabs her keys and doesn’t look back, even when Ben screams for her.

 

She drives fast down the canyon, thinking about her cousin’s lips and her father’s grave.

 

~~~

 

She goes to Finn’s house.

 

She is fully expecting to break down the moment he opens the door, but she finds him playing video games with Hux and it seems so… normal… she just lets herself watch them.

 

She turns her phone off, she’s takes the joint from Finn. The sound of guns shooting and avatars whooshing and Hux laughing wraps around her and lulls her into peace.

 

She feels disconnected from everything. She’s stoned and she’s sad but her sadness is buried by anger which is smothered by disbelief.

 

It just feels so wrong. Ben is _wrong._ He’s going to realize it. She’s going to show him. She feels so certain of it.

 

His lack of faith in them feels like a betrayal, and she has to push that feeling down.

 

She has no idea what she will say when she finally has to face him, and so she puts it off all day.

 

Hanging with Finn and Hux is a nice enough distraction, as good as anything can be. They keep her very, very stoned.

 

~~~

 

She falls asleep after three slices of pizza and wakes up late, really late.

 

She winces and scrambled to turn on her phone.

 

Finn is still up playing video games but Hux is passed out on the floor, drooling on his arm.

 

Rey has forty six missed calls and thirty one text messages.

 

Ben: Rey please call me

Ben: where did you go I’m so worried

Ben: please don’t do anything stupid

Ben: I have been looking for you and calling fucking call me

 

It goes on and on. The texts from Ben stop before 6:00. She only has calls from Leia after that. Shaking, terrified, Rey runs out of Finn’s place without even saying goodbye.

 

~~~

 

She gets back to the house and it seems quiet enough. There’s a light on downstairs. Leia’s car is in the driveway.

 

She bursts in, and for a second she thinks maybe they have no reason to suspect anything of her.

 

But the look that Leia gives her levels any hope. Something is very, _very_ wrong.

 

“W-where is Ben?”

 

“Ben is fine. But there’s been an accident. He wrecked his car.”

 

Leia sounds too angry for her to think Ben is seriously hurt. But still—

 

“ _Where is Ben_ ,” she says again.

 

“He’s in his room.”

 

Rey turns to run but Leia calls to her.

 

“He had drugs on him, weed. The cops came. He leaves for boot camp in the morning.”

 

Rey doesn’t even turn to look at her, she races up to Ben’s room, opens the door without knocking. The last forty eight hours are a fucking nightmare. This isn’t happening as

 

He looks up from where he’s sitting on the bed, startled. He’s obviously been crying. She’s sure that why he crashed, not the weed. She locks the door behind her and rushes over to him.

 

“I totaled the falcon,” he says roughly.

 

“I’m so sorry,” she says, but it doesn’t feel like enough. “This is my fault.” Her hands are on his face, in his hair.

 

“It’s not,” Ben says, his voice is strained and he sniffs, wiping his nose.

 

“I was just— I needed to process but I shouldn’t have turned my phone off.”

 

Ben shakes his head, he turns red eyes up to her.

 

“She would have found a way to get rid of me eventually. This is what she wants. Vindication. I’m the fuck up she always said I was.”

 

Rey sobs, sinks to her knees in front of Ben and cries.

 

“I can’t do this without you.”

 

She means now, when he leaves, and later, when he leaves, and every time he plans to _leave_ because before today Rey never thought about _leaving_ at all.

 

“You can,” he whispers. “It’s not forever. I’ll be back. And we— maybe we need this, Rey.”

 

She sobs again. He takes her chin and tilts her head up.

 

“Look at me. Listen. Use this time. If you need to— to date or whatever— do it. Because I will be back, and when I am back things have to be… normal. Okay?”

 

Rey sobs but she nods, Ben is crying too. She tilts her head up and kisses him, quick and wet.

 

He chases her mouth for just a moment.

 

“Last one,” he whispers, kissing her again. “Rey listen to me. We have to bury this. We have to. Promise me you will try.”

 

She just sobs. “When are you leaving?”

 

“Tonight. Sheriff knew a program, agreed not to press charges. They’ll come pick me up soon.”

 

Rey cries harder.

 

“It will be just like camp,” he says, and his tone is dark.

 

Rey feels suddenly very grounded. She needs him to hear her. She stops crying and catches her breath.

 

“Ben,” she says, grabbing his shoulders. “Don’t lose yourself in there. Promise me, promise me every day you will think of me and how I see you. _Promise me_.”

 

She thinks about her words in the woods. _I will be your heart. I will be your eyes._

 

He nods.

 

“We’ll be okay,” she whispers, over and over, and then they wait for the men to come take Ben away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Choonchoo. Ben will not be gone for more than one chapter. I won’t drag this out. But he will be gone for a good chunk of time in the story. 🤷 Tune in tomorrow for more ;)


	19. June - Dec 2012

_So drink all my wine_  
_Cut all my trees_  
_Make love on my beaches_ _  
_ Smoke all my weed

  
_I am California_  
_Can't you see_  
_Wherever you roam_ _  
_ You'll always want me

  
_Yeah dig all my gold_  
_Soak in my springs_  
_Conquer my mountains_  
_If that's what you need_ _  
_ I am California

_Can’t you see_  
_Wherever you roam_  
_You'll always want me_ _  
_ You'll always want me

 

_I am California - John Craigie_

 

_2012_

  


They take Ben away.

 

Rey cries the entire time, begging Leia not to do this.

 

Leia won’t even look at her, not until Ben has been loaded into a van and the van has disappeared in the distance. Then her cold brown eyes find Rey’s.

 

“Behaving like a child is an embarrassment to all of us,” she admonishes and Rey…. Rey _hates_ her.

 

“You’re going to lose him,” she says, her words icy. “And me. Because he doesn’t deserve this, this isn’t what he needs and it— it was just weed, Leia. I smoke it too. Are you going to send me away?” It’s a bold thing to say, but right now she doesn’t care.

 

Leia considers her. “No,” she says. “Not unless you drive stoned, wreck your car, and get brought to me by the police, drugs in hand.”

 

Rey winces.

 

“Does it matter at all that this is the wrong thing for him?”

 

“No. Because you have no idea what the right thing for him is, he’s my son, and you’re just a kid too.”

 

“I know better than you,” Rey says.

 

“That’s no way to speak to your mother,” Leia says, and there’s a challenge there. She doesn’t usually call herself her mother. It makes her next words come easier.

 

“You’re not my mother,” Rey says weakly. But it doesn’t really feel true, not as soon as she’s said it.

 

Leia’s face softens a bit.

 

“Too bad kid. I’m the only one you get.”

 

And then she leaves Rey alone, still crying and watching the road where Ben has disappeared.

 

~~~

 

Rey has spent a lot of summers without Ben.

 

She tries to pretend that he’s just at camp. He will be back when school starts.

 

Leia has informed her that is _not_ the case. But she can pretend.

 

She gets a summer job at a little ice cream shop that opens up down by the beach. It’s not so bad, she doesn’t mind it. It’s usually busy and she’s right by the water so she can lay out on her break or after work.

 

She eats a lot of ice cream, and she runs a lot less for the first few weeks, for sure.

 

Her sadness weighs her down, makes her feel out of it. She works. She lays in the sun. She sleeps.

 

She puts on ten pounds, then fifteen.

 

She starts kickboxing. The weight doesn’t go away, but age starts to turns it into muscle.

 

She also grows three inches over three months.

 

She hangs out with Finn and Hux a lot, Ben’s words echoing in her mind.

 

_Do whatever you need to get over this._

 

Rey does think Hux is cute. She likes the way he smiles with his whole body, how he crumples on the floor in a fit of dramatics when he loses to Finn at any game, smiling as he covers his face.

 

She likes his laugh, and the way he seems nervous when she touches him casually, his arm or his knee. He looks at her like she’s kind of amazing.

 

Sometimes she even feels it, when it’s just the two of them.

 

~~~

 

Hux asks if he can kiss her, the first time. They’re at Poe’s, he’s having a kickback and the regular crew is there, plus Poe’s brother since he’s home for college.

 

Finn and Poe are huddled together talking on the porch, and Rey can see Poe’s hand on Finn’s thigh.

 

She smiles.

 

“What’s so funny?” Hux asks. He’s sitting next to her, puffing on a spliff.

 

“Nothing,” she says with a shrug. “Just happy.”

 

She’s not, not _really_ , she’s not sure she can be without Ben. But she is happy for Finn.

 

“You know you look like, stupid pretty right now,” Hux says, smiling.

 

“What?” Rey asks, taken aback.

 

“Pretty. Super pretty. I mean you’re always pretty but right now…”

 

“Oh,” Rey says, and she has no idea what to say to that.

 

“Can I kiss you?” he asks her.

 

Rey nods, unsure of her voice. Hux leans over and kisses her and it’s— not bad. Nice even. She lets her mouth move against his and she likes the way his breath hitches a little, the way his fingers curl around the back of her neck. She can feel him shiver.

 

“Wanted to do that forever,” he admits. “Easier when Ben’s not around though,” he laughs. The mention of Ben makes Rey’s stomach clench.

 

“What?” she asks, sharp. What does Hux know?

 

“He just really nails that _protective brother vibe_ , in case you didn’t notice.”

 

“Oh. Yeah,” Rey says. “Something like that.”

 

Hux shrugs as if it’s of no consequence, and she supposes it isn’t. Not now, with Ben gone.

 

“Can I kiss you again?” he begs her, and he really does look cute like this, pale and freckled in the moonlight. So Rey says yes.

 

~~~

 

By the end of summer, Hux is officially her boyfriend.

 

~~~

 

Junior year starts and Rey is _busy._ The ice cream parlor shuts down and Rey ends the summer with $800 in her savings account and a brand new digital camera for Photography.

 

She takes up weight lifting. It’s not something she thought she would be into, but it’s challenging and it means that the only thing she can focus on when she’s doing it is the weight, the burn in her body, not her heart.

 

She gets really strong. All of the weight she gained has turned to lean muscle. She’s Poe’s heights by the time school starts, a full five foot eight. Hux has a few inches on her still, and she imagines she would still only come up to Ben’s chest at most.

 

But she doesn’t know for sure since she can’t see.

 

By October she has real abs, and her butt gets bigger, her thighs thicker. She can lift more than some of the boys in her weight class.

 

It feels _really_ good.

 

Hux keeps kissing her. He seems content to sort of keep it at that, for now, but Rey would be lying if she said she didn’t sometimes want _more._

 

She likes the way he trembles a little when they makeout and the way he always looks so _stoked_ on her, like he can’t believe he gets to touch her. It’s endearing as hell.

 

But everything feels a little _off_ without Ben. Everything feels a little bit _dull._

 

There is something missing, always. Rey is so used to tracking Ben, to having his eyes on her, to falling asleep to the sound of his voice or at the very least, the knowledge that he is safe and quiet right near her.

 

Not being able to see him, to touch him and reassure herself that he’s here, that he’s okay. It’s maddening.

 

She asks Leia when he will be back. She never gets an answer.

 

~~~

 

“I miss Ben.”

 

The words come from Rose, pulling Rey out of her history notes to look at the other girl.

 

“It just sucks not being able to see the guy you like every day, you know?”

 

Rey swallows. She tries to make sure her voice is even before she speaks, clearing her throat.

 

“Oh I… I didn’t realize you still had that little crush.”

 

“It’s more than a crush,” Rose says, as if this is obvious. “You can’t even _imagine_ Rey. You get to see your boyfriend every day. And I know Ben’s your family or whatever but it’s different when the person is… someone you _want.”_

 

The whole tone is condescending at best, and Rey feels her blood boil.

 

“Are you trying to say you miss Ben... more than I do?”

 

Her voice is not even.

 

Rose shrugs, clearly oblivious.

 

“Well maybe not _more_ but… _differently_.”

 

Rey blinks down at Rose.

 

“I gotta go,” she says. Rose looks surprised.

 

“Class isn’t over?” she says, confused.

 

Rey is too angry to speak, just packs up her bags and leaves a confused looking Rose behind her.

 

~~~

 

Rey dreams about Ben all the time. Every night.

 

Sometimes they have a family, little babies who are plump and healthy.

 

Sometimes she dreams that Ben has his own family. Without her.

 

She doesn’t know what hurts worse. The dreams of something she can’t ever have, or the ones of the awful reality she will have to face at some point.

 

Sometimes Rey dreams they have deformed, monster babies. Ben is always insisting he will love them anyway.

 

It doesn’t matter what dreams she has in the end, they all make her cry.

 

~~~

 

The longer Ben is gone, the more time Rey has to bargain with herself.

 

She feels like she’s been cut off from her life source, like she’s drowning, wasting away.

 

_Ben wants this_ she reminds herself. _He won’t be close to you until you can prove that you’re over it. Over him. So prove it._

 

Rey decides that it’s better to have Ben in her life, even if they can’t be together, than to not have Ben at all. Anything would be better than this massive chasm of space between them.

 

Anything.

 

She will prove it to him, she will stay with Hux and show him that she’s moved on, that she’s happy.

 

All she has to do is fake it, and make sure that Ben never knows how much it kills her. How much she would trade everything for him, again and again and again.

 

Always.

 

~~~

 

Fall bleeds into winter. She makes out with Hux a lot, like a lot, and eventually she finds herself with her hand wrapped around his cock and his face buried in her neck.

 

They’re in her room. They’re supposed to be doing homework but obviously…. they’re not.

 

Hux is sputtering and gasping and she likes the way he’s curled against her, the way his fingers dig into her thigh as she jerks him off.

 

“Is this okay?” she whispers.

 

“So good,” he says, “just a little tighter and— oh fuck Rey.”

 

Hux whimpers, hips shifting and then he’s cumming on her hand and a little on her hoodie.

 

“Shit, sorry,” he says, blushing, but Rey just laughs and kisses him.

 

“It’s fine,” she says, taking off the hoodie and tossing it aside.

 

“Do you want me to?” Hux asks, nodding at her. But she shakes her head.

 

“Not today maybe… maybe another time?”

 

“Whenever you want,” Hux says, closing his eyes sleepily and curling onto her pillow. “Whenever, anytime, just tell me.”

 

She plays with his hair a bit but stops, feeling like she might cry. She focuses on her math instead.

 

~~~

 

Thanksgiving is weird without Ben. Life is weird without Ben.

 

~~~

 

Nana Paddy comes for Christmas and Rey is thrilled to see her. She knows that she’s waiting for her at home on Christmas Eve.

 

She hasn’t seen her yet, though. Rey is having dinner with Hux’s family, which is sweet but maybe a sign that things are going a little _too well_ for her tastes.

 

Still, it annoys Leia so she does it.

 

She pulls into her driveway sometime around 9:00pm, full and content. She has half a mind to skip whatever is going on downstairs, to just trudge up to bed and sleep through Christmas.

 

She can’t have the one thing she wants, anyway.

 

But she has to at least say hi to Nana Paddy.

 

She toes off her boots and walks into the living room.

 

There are bodies sitting by the fire with cups in their hands, Han and Nana Paddy and…

 

_Ben_.

 

Rey drops her bag, blinking back tears.

 

“Ben…”

 

“Surprise,” he says softly.

 

He’s _bigger_. Thicker, and his hair is cut shorter again so she can see his ears and jesus— his arms, his hands.

 

Rey wants to run to him, to cover his lips with her own. Instead she throws a hand over her mouth and sobs. Ben stands and crowds her, pulling her into his arms.

 

“Are you _back_ back? This isn’t a trick?”

 

“I’m back,” Ben says, soothing her, one giant hand running over her hair. His voice is _so low._

 

She throws her arms around his neck and cries.

 

“Oh good you’re home,” Leia says, coming into the living room, either oblivious to Rey’stears or unwilling to address them. “I was worried that boyfriend of yours wasn’t going to give you back tonight.”

 

Ben steps away from her, eyebrows pulling together.

 

“B-boyfriend?”

 

Rey reminds herself that this was Ben’s idea, the space, the seeing someone else. She can’t speak, though.

 

“Rey’s been dating Hux for— gosh what is it now? Six months?”

 

“F-five,” Rey corrects, as if that’s any better.

 

“Oh,” Ben says, and Rey wants to die. She looks at him.

 

_This is what you wanted. This is what you said you needed._

 

“Come have hot chocolate, Rey, I haven’t even seen you yet,” Nana Paddy calls.

 

So Rey moves further away from Ben with a little smile and goes to sit by Nana Paddy.

 

As always, she is hyper aware of Ben, of his presence, of his energy.

 

It takes all of her willpower not to tackle him, not to try to get a reaction out of him or make him understand.

 

So she just watches Ben as he moves around the room, preoccupied with the miracle of existence after so long in his absence, her eyes never leaving him.

 

So she doesn’t really notice that while she is watching Ben, Nana Paddy is watching her.

 


	20. Dec 2012 - Jan 2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please see my A/N at the end of the story :)

_ I want to be a good woman _ __  
_ And I want for you to be a good man _ __  
  


_ This is why I will be leaving _ _  
_ _ And this is why I can't see you no more _

_ This is why I am lying when I say _ __  
_ That I don't love you no more _ __  
  


_ I will miss your heart so tender  _ _  
_ _ And I will love this love forever _

  
  


_ Good Woman - Cat Power  _

  
  


_ 2012 / 2013 _

 

Ben is back. 

 

She manages not to lose her shit in front of everyone. She has hot chocolate with her grandmother and laughs at Han’s jokes and smiles at Ben who smiles at her because like everything is fine because  _ Ben is back  _ and that overwhelms everything else.

 

Rey has to fight the impulse to pull him somewhere dark and quiet and tell him that she  _ did try _ to get over it but she can’t,  _ and please you have to understand—  _

 

She blinks, pulls her thoughts into a knot and lets it settle somewhere inside of her. 

 

She learned her lesson the hard way. She has no desire for another dose of rejection. 

 

Ben needs to think she’s moved on, and well… she has. As much as she possibly could,  _ considering _ . 

 

The fire dies down, and it’s Christmas Eve and even though they’re not little kids it still feels exciting when they turn the lights out and head to bed.

 

She and Ben go upstairs together and for a second she has no idea what to do, she actually considers sticking her hand out for a fucking  _ handshake _ outside their bedroom doors but Ben whispers, “Do you wanna stay up a little longer?” and Rey just nods. 

 

She never wants to sleep again. She doesn’t want to close her eyes, to let Ben out of her sight. 

 

He follows her into her room and closes her door behind them. 

 

She wants to touch him  _ so _ badly, just to make sure that he’s solid, feel his arms under her hands and his hair between her fingers. 

 

She doesn’t touch him. She figures she has lost that privilege. 

 

He is so big; he looks so,  _ so _ grown up. 

 

Rey thinks about dressing up for halloween all those years ago, holding his face in her hand to put eyeliner on him. 

 

He had been so small and  _ now _ —

 

“I missed you,” she says, fisting her hands to hide how much she’s trembling. Ben is just staring down at her, looking giant and bewildered and on the verge of tears. “Was it awful? Tell me the truth Ben please, I can handle it.” She sobs a little, covering her mouth. 

 

Ben’s hands are on her shoulders, and he guides her to her bed, sits next to her— moves away again. 

 

“No, it wasn’t that bad. It was— it was just weird. Just like life got put on hold. Like I was watching myself do things.”

 

He’s not looking at her, he’s looking at his hands. 

 

“You know how it is at camp, like you’re removed from the real world, it’s a little bit like that, only— darker feeling. But I wanted  _ out _ so badly, I missed books and music and  _ swimming _ and I knew if I kept my nose down I could do it quicker and I  _ almost _ got out at three months but ah—“ 

 

He shifts. Uncomfortable.

 

“What?” 

 

“I snapped. It was bound to happen once but I— got into it with another kid. We’d been close and I caught him stealing from me.”

 

“What did he take?” 

 

“One of the only things I had,” Ben says. “So I beat the shit out of him.” 

 

Rey blinks. He seems calm about it, his nonchalance makes her forget her curiosity over what could have been so important. She feels something else from his tone though, and then suddenly it hits her that—

 

“You would have been home not long after summer.” 

 

Ben finally meets her gaze, he looks devastated. He nods. 

 

Rey closes her eyes. 

 

“Rey I— about you and Hux.” 

 

Rey opens her eyes and turns toward Ben, terrified. 

 

“I just thought— you know because you said—“ she starts.

 

“No I know, I just think… are you happy?” His voice is strained, and his eyes are bright and wet. 

 

Rey nods. 

 

“I just— you know I realized that whatever happened with us before… I was being ridiculous. I know we could never…” she shakes her head. “And I  _ am _ happy with Hux now you know, he’s a good kid. He’s…  sweet.” 

 

Ben shivers. He lets out a slow breath.

 

“Good, I’m— That’s good.” 

 

She swallows thickly. 

 

“What about you?

 

“I feel the same as I always have,” Ben says, shrugging. 

 

“Okay,” she breathes. She doesn’t know what to do with that. Can’t look at it too closely without bursting into pieces. She had offered herself to Ben, and this was the choice that  _ he _ had made. He doesn’t feel any different about that now. 

 

“I missed you,” she says, but she realizes she already said that before and she’s suddenly embarrassed. She feels raw and vulnerable and Ben just closes his eyes and nods. 

 

“I know, I missed you too,” he says. “You and the water, that’s about it.” 

 

Ben looks down at his hands and his expression is hard. 

 

“Ben,” Rey whispers. 

 

“She sent me away so fast, Rey.  _ So _ fast.” 

 

“I know,” Rey chokes. “A year and a half, Ben. That’s it. And we’re—  _ you’re _ out.”

 

He nods, looking down at his hands. She knows he has more to say, knows that if she could take him into her arms and hold him, press her mouth against his temple, run her fingers through his hair… he would soften, he would tell her what hurts most. 

 

She can’t, and she doesn’t, and after a minute he takes a shuddering breath and says, “We should sleep,” and she nods.

 

Ben gives her a thin lipped smile and stands, leaving her alone in her room. 

 

~~~

 

They don’t go anywhere for winter break. Rey is calmer with Ben back but something essential has shifted between them.

 

She doesn’t touch him at all, anymore.

 

Rey thinks how weird it is to miss someone when they are standing right in front of you. 

 

~~~

 

Things actually feel more normal once school starts. It’s like having Ben missing has been odd, and his return makes everything slide back into place. 

 

Rey feels so much better just being in the same space as him, being able to put her eyes on him every few minutes, every hour at most. 

 

It’s just a  _ little _ weird at lunch that first day, when Hux throws his arms around her from behind and nuzzles her neck. 

 

Ben doesn’t eat, and Rey sees his eyes darken as he watches them.

 

After that, Ben just doesn’t look. He looks everywhere  _ but  _ at Hux and Rey when they’re together.

 

It’s fucking weird. 

 

Ben has all the same intensity toward her, she sees the same things in his eyes that she saw when he was kissing her, but it’s bottled up and kept hidden in plain sight. She can’t reach him but she can see where is falling apart. 

 

They’re like opposite sides of a magnet now, unable to get close but still orbiting around one another. 

 

~~~

 

They lift weights together in the garage.

 

It’s a sunny Saturday morning in late January and Ben is looking at her totally dumbstruck.

 

“How did you get so— buff?” he asks her. 

 

She shrugs. 

 

“Lifting heavy stuff until I hurt, and then doing it again the next day.” 

 

Ben laughs. 

 

“That will do it.” 

 

He spots her, helps her keep her back straight with the slightest touch of his fingers over her spine. 

 

They lift, and then they box, and Ben holds the bag for Rey. 

 

She does the same for him when it’s his turn, and she can’t help but draw a parallel between what Ben looks like when he grunts and thrusts and kicks and what he looks like when he’s coming in hot little spurts against her leg. 

 

“I’m getting sore,” she lies when he finishes. “I’m gonna go hit the shower.” 

 

Ben nods, panting for breath. 

 

It’s freezing out, but her body is on so on fire she has to take a cold shower anyway. 

 

~~~

 

She’s just finishing putting her hair up when there’s a soft knock on her door. 

 

“It’s open,” she calls. Ben steps into her room. “Hey,” she says when she sees him, fresh from his own shower. Her heart races, just because he’s close to her, it’s so ridiculous. 

 

“Hey,” he says and he shifts his weight from foot to foot. “Do you wanna hang out a little more?” 

 

She does. She  _ really _ does. 

 

But she can’t. 

 

She looks up at him and she wants to fold in on herself, to crawl into his skin, to pry his mouth open with her fingers and feel inside of him. 

 

She feels nuts. 

 

“I can’t,” she says. “I have plans with Hux.” 

 

“Oh,” Ben says, eyes going wide. “Sure, that’s fine, okay. Right. Okay. Have fun.” 

 

He’s gone before she can say anything else and she feels like she’s made a mistake, even though she  _ knows _ this is what’s right.

 

She gets into her car and fights back tears. She thinks about the way Ben looks when he comes again, the way he said her name.

 

She’s so keyed up by the time she gets to Hux’s house, preoccupied with thoughts of Ben’s body and mouth that when Hux opens the door she kisses him without speaking, trying to wash the memory of Ben away. 

 

It doesn’t work. 

 

A few minutes later, when Hux’s fingers are buried inside of her and she slips over the edge, she has to close her eyes and bite her tongue to keep from saying Ben’s name. 

 

~~~

 

She doesn’t go home right away. She drives and drives and drives for hours, music blasting and vision clouded with tears. 

 

For the first time in a long time she thinks enviously about the life she didn’t have. She imagines that she never had to come live with her aunt and uncle, that she only saw Ben on Christmas and over summer and maybe thought he was objectively attractive, but not the  _ only person in the world  _ she cared about. Not the  _ other half of her heart.  _

 

Nothing is fair. 

 

She screams until her voice is raw and when she’s finished she’s come to a decision.

 

Wherever Ben decides to go to college, she’s going to go to school as far away as she can possibly get. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support you guys. Obviously some shit went down last chapter and I want to address a few things. 
> 
> First things first. I consider “author chose not to use archive warnings” as a catch all for “this fic might have untagged shit you don’t want to see” in it, and if you have serious triggers that make reading certain things very uncomfortable, you should probably just avoid fics in that category.
> 
> With that said… I take ratings seriously. I am not slipping dicks into a T rated fics. This fic is explicit and the explicit content within it is par for the course. I’m sorry you prefer one person's dick over another’s, but I am not offending any sensibilities by having multiple dicks in this story. 
> 
> I tag major triggers. I tag drug use and abuse and suicide and sexual assault, even infidelity. I fully get that there are dark things people want to avoid. 
> 
> But also, there are also things that are just specific and personal triggers.
> 
> Some people don’t like scenes with car crashes, or with police officers, or with mentions of dieting and body image or certain fictional characters. If I am trying to consider things from all sides and tag every little thing, I lose touch with my story and my relationship to my audience. 
> 
> It is not my job to protect you. If I have to take into consideration how every inch of my work is going to be received, I would never feel satisfied with posting. I would shut down and stop writing on this platform. You have to take control of your own experience and sometimes that means closing a fic, or a book, or turning off a show when it gets uncomfortable. 
> 
> It’s my choice where I draw the line and tagging minor pairings isn’t something I’m going to do for this story. 
> 
> If you don’t like it, please just CLICK OUT. Coming at an author who spends her free time creating content is just shitty behavior. It makes writing not fun at all. It makes me wonder if this is worth it. 
> 
> Also yoooooo lol this is a story about COUSINS. It seems like I shouldn’t have to say that it’s not a place for any kind of expectation on purity, that’s going to be abundantly clear as they get older and the story goes on (smirk emoji).
> 
> This is a long, slow, FORBIDDEN romance about two people who are NOT allowed to be together, and who consequently have periods of time where they are NOT together, and who pine for each other intensely. I have said over and over that Reylo is endgame for this story. How they get there is a bumpy ass road. 
> 
> The last thing I want to say is that I am not opening this back up for discussion. Comments are being moderated. Anon comments are off for now, I’m sorry. I may turn them on in the future. Any comments attacking me for my decision on how I handle my story will be deleted without being read through. 
> 
> Please don’t waste my time or yours. 
> 
> With that said, thank you all for the support, it means a lot to me and I would not have continued this fic if I didn’t know (because you told me) how loved it truly is. Your positive comments are the reason I am still here, even though I ran out of steam to answer anything on the last ch.
> 
> Thank you so much if you’re still here, I hope you like what I have in store ;)


	21. Feb - March 2013

_ Don't you know I'm no good for you? _ __  
_ I've learned to lose you, can't afford to _ __  
_ Tore my shirt to stop you bleeding  
_ __ But nothing ever stops you leaving

_ Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own _ __  
_ I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that _ __  
  


_ Don't you know too much already? _ __  
_ I'll only hurt you if you let me _ __  
__ Call me friend but keep me closer  
_ And I'll call you when the party's over _ __  
  


_ When The Party’s Over- Billie Eilish  _

  
  


_ 2013 _

  
  


It warms up earlier than usual, with spring breaking halfway through February. 

 

The gang agrees to go hiking over the weekend, and they load up two cars. Rey drives Hux, Ben, Rose and Kaydel, and Poe drives Finn, Gwen, Jess and Paige. 

 

It’s absolutely gorgeous out, still just a  _ bit _ chilly but glorious in the sun, a light breeze blowing the scent of flowers. 

 

They park in a dirt lot at the entrance to a massive wood covering the side of a mountain. 

 

Rey looks up and stares at the trees and feels the earth beneath her feet. A sense of  _ urgency  _ washes over her, the feeling that she is already missing this, even as it unfolds in front of her. 

 

Youth feels both so inescapable and so fleeting. 

 

She’s startled out of her thoughts by a pair of arms circling her waist and for a split second she thinks Ben has lost his mind. 

 

But of course it isn’t Ben, it’s Hux, and he’s nuzzling onto her neck and saying to her, “You’re my girlfriend. You’re not allowed to make fun of me when you realize how horribly out of shape I am. You’re not allowed to dump me for it either.” 

 

Rey laughs and shakes her head. 

 

“I don’t think anyone is in as good of shape as Rey is,” Rose says. 

 

“Except Ben,” Kaydel counters, and everyone agrees. Rey rolls her eyes. 

 

“Well we’ll try not to leave you guys behind, right Ben?” 

 

Ben is just looking at her, leaning against the car, eyes dark. 

 

“Sure,” he says, and Rey blinks at him. He’s a literal storm cloud. She tries to figure out if she did something wrong, or if he could be upset about something else. 

 

“Come on let’s go,” Paige says, and they follow her onto the trailhead.

 

Hux takes Rey’s hand as Ben pushes ahead of them. She deliberately holds back. She knows he doesn’t want to look at her right now, can feel it. She doesn’t let it make her cry. She squeezes her boyfriends hand and breathes in the spring air.

 

~~~

 

They hike for hours and Ben doesn’t say a word to her, doesn’t even acknowledge her. She isn’t sure anyone else would even notice, but she is so used to the way they communicate without words, with only glances, the way they have always been in step with each other. 

 

This is like pulling teeth. 

 

He doesn’t even acknowledge her until he does and that’s worse. 

 

Hux says something harmless, a joke about how if Rey doesn’t learn to cook for him he’s dumping her. 

 

He’s obviously kidding, and Rey quips back that she would dump him first for being so woefully out of shape but Ben is staring daggers at Hux. She can feel him bristling, see his fists ball.

 

“Hey, just kidding,” Hux says, putting his hands up.  

 

“It’s cute that you’re so protective of her,” Rose says to Ben, tilting her head and smiling. “But Hux is good to her don’t worry. Maybe you just need to find someone who will be good to you too, Ben.” 

 

Ben glances over at Rey. 

 

“Yeah,” he says, “maybe I do.” 

 

~~~

 

Rey replays Ben’s words on a loop for weeks. 

 

_ Yeah, maybe I do. _

 

He  _ should _ , too. Rey can’t think of any reason for Ben to keep suffering except that it will hurt her worse. 

 

Hux is an outlet, he provides emotional support even if he doesn’t know exactly  _ what fucked up thing _ he’s emotionally supporting. 

 

Ben deserves that too but Rey isn’t all the way sure she can live through it.

 

She tells herself it would just be causal, something to tide him over, but then she wonders if maybe he will fall in love with whoever it is, go off to college with her. 

 

Or maybe he will meet someone in college, it seems likely, almost impossible that he wouldn’t. 

 

Ben  _ will _ find someone. Ben  _ will  _ fall in love with someone who isn’t Rey. 

 

She realizes it all at once one day while she’s out for a run and she has to stop. 

 

She clutches a tree and tries to breath. 

 

Ben will have  _ someone _ that he will kiss, and touch,  _ someone _ that he will desire and want to please. 

 

Someone else will take quiet runs with him before dawn. 

Someone else will hear his secrets. 

Someone else will have tiny, black haired babies. 

 

Rey sobs, sinking down onto the ground. 

 

The world is full of things that Rey will never have, she knows that, but the fact that Ben’s heart is one of them is enough to make her consider never getting up again. 

 

~~~

 

They’re going to a party. It’s true spring now, mid March, and the wind is warm and it feels  _ dangerous _ out. Electric. 

 

The party is at a house they’ve never been too, some senior kid named Liam but when they show up they see enough familiar faces that they don’t feel out of place. 

 

The music is loud, inside the air is hazy with smoke and outside kids cluster around the pool passing bottles back and forth, bathed in the watery light from beneath. 

 

Hux squeezes her hand and disappears to find Poe. Rey looks over at Rose and Kaydel, they’re all stoned as shit and the three girls split a bottle of wine in the backseat of the car. 

 

Rey feels good. Hux is her driver tonight and she’s well on her way to a decent buzz. Someone passes by with cigarettes and she manages to bum one, even when the guy rolls his eyes. 

 

She winks at him as he lights it for her. 

 

There’s something called _jungle_ _juice_ in a big tub and they all glasses of it while giggling and go back inside to dance. 

 

Finn finds her and puts a joint in her mouth, she smiles as her eyes get smaller and the music gets louder. 

 

She feels  _ relaxed  _ in a way she hasn’t in forever. She’s kissing Hux a lot more than she normally would in public— especially with Ben around because Ben is around? Right? He was here before but—

 

She can’t see him anywhere. She doesn’t like that, but she also doesn’t want to leave where she’s dancing and kissing and laughing. 

 

After a while though, she needs air and she slips away and into the yard. 

 

A lower, deeper kind of music is playing out here and someone turned on the outdoor lights, which are bright red as well as halogen yellow.

 

Rey is dizzy but she feels  _ good  _ and free. She just needs to pee. The idea of going back inside is daunting, and she decides to find a bush. There’s a little wood just behind the house. 

 

She walks softly, just breathing in the night air, but she freezes when she hears something. 

 

She looks up and wonders if she fell into a nightmare. She can’t even make sense of what she’s seeing, it just can’t be real. 

 

Ben is there, and he’s pressed up against a tree, and he looks beautiful and ethereal in the red light that reaches him from the yard but— the shape of him is all wrong. 

 

The shape of him is all wrong because someone is kneeling in front of him, head bobbing. 

 

It’s Kaydel, and she’s sucking Ben’s cock. 

 

Rey can’t move. She feels of a rush of heat pulse through her body that brings guilt and arousal in equal measure. She can’t do anything but watch as Ben throws his head back and parts his lips. 

 

His hand tangles gently in Kay’s hair for a second before his head comes back down and he looks away from the body in front of him and  _ right _ at Rey. 

 

She still doesn’t move. Ben’s eyes go wide and then his face screws up and Rey realizes he’s cumming, fast and unexpected. 

 

He doesn’t look away from her while he does, but when he finishes his eyes close and his head falls back and Rey turns around and runs.

 

~~~

 

Rey doesn’t cry. She is in such a wild state of shock, she wonders if she actually died on the way over here and if this is hell.

 

Nothing feels real. 

 

She finds Hux by the back door and he smiles so wide when she walks up. He’s so  _ happy  _ to see her. 

 

Rey sighs as he takes her hand and pulls her back into the yard. 

 

“Hux?” 

 

“I need to tell you something, you’re not that drunk right?” 

 

Rey shrugs. She doesn’t think she’s that drunk, but she also feels like she’s losing her mind. This strange calm is paper thin. “I’m fine,” she says. 

 

“Okay good because, and I don’t know why this has taken me so long? But Rey I— I love you.” 

 

“ _ What _ ?” It’s not the right thing to say, she knows that. It just comes out. Hux looks confused. He’s clearly trying to figure out if she  _ is  _ wasted.

 

“I love you, Rey. You’re the fucking coolest.” 

 

“Oh. Hux,” Rey says, and she— she can’t  _ possibly _ keep doing this. 

 

She feels like everything is ending, and the ending starts here. 

 

“I’m so sorry I… you’re such a good guy and this has been really good but we are not on the same page. I adore you as a friend and you’re so fun to be around but you… you should be with someone who… who can…” 

 

She hugs him. Hux is just standing there, dumbstruck. 

 

“Are you actually drunk? Are you going to forget this?” 

 

“No,” Rey says softly. “I’m sorry Hux. I just— I’m sorry.” 

 

He looks teary eyed but he nods softly. 

 

“Oh, okay,” he says. 

 

“I need some space and some air so I’m gonna actually walk home but I, I’m sorry again and if you don’t wanna hang with me for a while I get it I— just tell me what you need from me.” 

 

Hux tilts his head and nods a little harder, tears slipping from his eyes and Rey feels like the worst person in the world because she doesn’t have room in her mind or her heart for  _ any _ of this after what she saw in the woods. 

 

So Rey turns from Hux and walks away.

  
  


~~~

 

She keeps waiting to freak out, but she doesn’t. She should be sobbing, falling to the floor, but she isn’t. 

 

She feels cold and detached, clinical even, as she thinks about the fact that Ben just came down Kay’s throat a few minutes ago. 

 

She wonders what his cum tastes like. She will never know.

 

Maybe everyone tastes the same. 

 

She doubts it. 

 

This is nothing she didn’t know was coming. It was the very thing she has been dreading for so long now, but to  _ see  _ it well— Rey doesn’t know what to think about that.

 

It takes her a long time to walk home, more than an hour, and she feels sober enough by the time she unlocks the door. 

 

She figures Ben is still at the party, it’s only a little after midnight, but he comes downstairs as soon as she finishes closing the door, looking wild and frantic. He must have gotten a ride.

 

“You disappeared,” he says, and he looks like maybe he’s been crying.

 

“I’m sorry. I had to— I wanted to walk. I needed air.” 

 

He nods, looks over his shoulder. 

 

“Let’s go upstairs,” Rey says, because somehow— despite how insane she feels right now— she seems to be the one thinking clearly. 

 

They go into Rey’s room and close the door. She looks at Ben for real, and yes, he’s been crying. His eyes are red as hell and his lips are swollen. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he says. 

 

“You don’t have to apologize for  _ anything,  _ Ben,” Rey says seriously. “Honestly you— you can do whatever, with whoever. It was me I should  _ not _ have just stood there like a fucking creep—“ 

 

“Rey,” Ben looks absolutely pained. “Obviously I— I mean you  _ saw _ me—“

 

“And I’m sorry,” she rasps, and god this entire night has been hell. 

 

“No  _ I _ am, I’m sorry I— I shouldn’t have done that in the fucking  _ yard  _ I don’t know what I was thinking. I’d never want you to see that— and I— when I  _ saw you Rey I—  _ I’m sorry.” 

 

She is so embarrassed and so turned on and so sad and so tired she has no idea how she could possibly feel all of these things at once and she laughs, but there’s tears behind it, and she covers her mouth. 

 

“Shit, Rey listen—“ 

 

“No Ben, stop. You listen. Hux told me he  _ loves _ me,” she takes a steadying breath, trying not to slide from teary right into sobbing.

 

“Oh. Well that’s good, right?” Ben says, his voice shaky. 

 

“No, Ben,” Rey says coldly. She is so tired of this, of lying to herself and to Ben when they both know it’s such bullshit. “In no way is that  _ good _ . I don’t— I could never  _ love Hux.”  _

 

Ben lets out a heavy breath and there’s a little sob on the end of it. 

 

“I tried,” she says, and her voice shakes. “You asked me to try and I did but I hate this. I hate this _so_ _much_ Ben. It hurts,” she clutches her heart. 

 

“I know,” he says, and his hands are  _ finally on her _ . On her arms and her shoulders and her hands and she’s shaking so badly. 

 

“I know what we have to do and I hate it,” she sobs. “But I’ll do it, Ben. If it’s what has to happen, I will walk away from us but we have to get through the next fifteen months and I can’t— I can’t hurt like this.”

 

Ben’s fingers trace gently up her arms.

 

“Okay,” he says roughly. “So we don’t date other people for now.” 

 

She nods, they’re both crying. She reaches up to brush away one of his tears with her thumb, and she cradles his head. 

 

“And when the time comes,” she says softly, “you and I will find colleges as far away from each other as we can get.” 

 

Ben closes his eyes and lets his tears fall, but he nods. 

 

“Yeah,” he says slowly opening his eyes. He touches her face softly before standing and backing away from her. “When the time comes, we say goodbye for good.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys lift me up so much I can’t thank you enough. All your words mean the world to me. Hang in there I swear we’re heading back uphill 💕💕


	22. March - April 2013

_ Thought I found a way _ __   
_ Thought I found a way, yeah (found) _ __   
_ But you never go away (never go away) _ __   
_ So I guess I gotta stay now _ __   
  


_ Oh, I hope someday I'll make it out of here _ __   
_ Even if it takes all night or a hundred years _ __   
_ Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near _ __   
_ Wanna feel alive, outside I can fight my fear _ __   
  


_ Isn't it lovely, all alone? _ __   
_ Heart made of glass, my mind of stone _ __   
_ Tear me to pieces, skin to bone _ _   
_ __ Hello, welcome home

 

_ Lovely - Billie Eilish _

 

_ 2013 _

  
  


Rey can’t stop thinking about sucking Ben’s dick. 

 

She sees Kaydel at school on Monday and the other girl smiles happily, clearly expecting Rey to be in the dark about whatever she did with Ben. 

 

She plays it so cool, Rey is a little awed. Kaydel is beautiful, and she seems so put together and well spoken and Rey can’t help but wonder what she would do herself if Kay cornered her in the woods, asked to touch her, to put her mouth on her. 

 

She would probably let her. 

 

Well, _would_ _have_ let her. Not now. Not since her strange truce with Ben.

 

A weight has been lifted, she isn’t even mad about the blow job, how could she be? She feels like she dodged a fucking bullet. Ben could be  _ dating  _ Kay right now. Instead they had agreed that it is too painful. 

 

Which means it hurts Ben too. Which means he still feels— something.  _ Everything _ , maybe. 

 

She wonders if he would say no if she sunk to her knees in front of him, if she begged him to let her taste him. 

 

It’s all she can fucking think about. 

 

~~~

 

Things slowly, slowly begin to tilt back toward normal. 

 

Ben touches her again, nothing crazy but he will steady her with a hand on her back or touch her head when he passes her or lean against her on the couch. 

 

Every time his body connects with hers she wants to cry because it feels so good and because  _ she can’t have it.  _

 

They’re by the pool one day in early March. It’s warmer than it should be, and Rey is laying on a lounge chair watching Ben swim laps. 

 

He looks so  _ grown up.  _ At seventeen he’s ripped in a way that only someone who dedicates 70% of their time to working out could be. He’s cleared 6’3 now, and even his legs and waist, which were always scrawnier, have bulked up. 

 

He’s still leaner than he will be later on, Rey knows, but all of the vestiges of youth have washed away. He looks like a man.

 

Rey knows her body has changed too, her hips have filled out and her butt is bigger, bigger than she wants even. Her tits might be bigger too if not for all the lifting but—  _ what can you do. _

 

She wonders if she is as pretty as Kaydel and once the thought takes root, she can’t let it go. 

 

She’s on her third beer. They’re alone in the house. She’s not feeling very self contained. 

 

So she asks. 

 

“Ben,” she says, and he hears her, even through the rustle of swimming. He wades over to the side of the pool and looks up at her. 

 

He looks a little goofy soaking wet. Rey loves it. 

 

“Will you tell me the truth?” 

 

“About what?” 

 

He wipes water off of his face with his hand. 

 

“Do you think Kaydel is prettier than me?” 

 

Ben actually laughs. He just  _ laughs at her _ and then swims away. 

 

Rey feels anger harden in her stomach. 

 

“Hey!” she calls out. “That’s not an answer.” 

 

“It’s not a question,” Ben call back to her. 

 

But of course  _ it is _ and he’s being ridiculous. 

 

“Ben,” she says, “you can just tell me if she’s hotter it won’t destroy me. I think she’s super hot too.”

 

She figured he would splash her or joke about her being ugly or maybe even tell her  _ yes fine you’re the pretty one calm down princess  _ or something equally petty but— 

 

Ben swims back to the edge and shakes his head, he looks bewildered. 

 

“It’s not even a fucking a question, Rey,” he says. “It’s stupid to even ask me— you— it’s not even the same category. You— you’re—“ 

 

Rey sits up, curling her legs under her on the chair. 

 

Ben looks desperate. 

 

“Sorry,” she says, but she’s not sure for what. For making him look like that. “Do you want a beer? I want another.”  She jumps up and runs to the kitchen, trying to catch her breath. She realizes she didn’t even wait for his answer but it was probably  _ yes _ so she grabs two Stellas from the shelf and brings them outside. 

 

Ben is sitting on the edge of the pool, legs in the water. She sits next to him and hands him a bottle. 

 

“Sorry,” she says again, “I was just trying to be funny, I didn’t mean to make it weird.” 

 

Ben takes a sip of his beer and looks at her. He looks sad. 

 

“Rey,” he says and he swallows thickly. “There will never be anyone as beautiful as you are, not to me.” 

 

Rey feels tears fill her eyes again. Ben is not hers, will never be hers, and yet somehow she will always be his. 

 

It really isn’t fair. 

 

“Oh,” she says, because what else can we say, and then she leans her head on his shoulder, because she can, for now. 

 

For a little while longer. 

 

~~~

 

Leia is in a  _ mood _ . It spans days, and then weeks. She is more on edge that Rey has ever seen her, something about one of her non-profits being caught squirreling money away overseas. 

 

She’s dark and short tempered and Ben and Rey are doing everything they can to stay away from her. 

 

It works pretty well, for a while. For as long as she also wants them out of the way, until...

 

“Ben,” Leia’s voice carries into the dining room where they’re doing homework. 

 

Rey and Ben look up as Leia walks in. There’s no real reason for Rey to be on edge, but she is. 

 

“I want you to pick an additional extracurricular activity.” 

 

Ben’s face scrunches. 

 

“All my free time is taken between weight class and swimming.” 

 

“I don’t want some idiot son who only cares about beefing up,” Leia snaps. “You’re going to be a senior, it’s your last chance to at least  _ pretend _ like you have some brains in that head. You will pick something that looks good on college applications.” 

 

Rey’s heart is racing, she looks between Leia and Ben. She can see him gearing up to say something, can feel it rolling off of him. She will back him if he fights her, she’s so ready. 

 

But he doesn’t, he looks a little defeated when he nods, but he doesn’t make it a big thing. 

 

Leia stays there for another moment. She was obviously expecting a fight, and Rey is beginning to think she wants one. 

 

“So we’re clear then?” Leia asks. 

 

Ben nods. Leia huffs a sigh like she’s annoyed anyway, and storms from the room. 

 

Under the table, Rey takes Ben’s hand and squeezes it. 

 

~~~

 

Rey actually goes to Han, after that. 

 

He’s in the garage, as usual. 

 

The garage is Han’s space. It’s a man cave. There’s a sofa and a dart board and an old radio that he still uses. It’s full of tools and a fridge full of beer and it always smells like gasoline and the slightest hint of cigarettes. 

 

“Hey,” she says, propping a hand on her hips. “Can we talk?” 

 

Han groans as he lifts himself off the floor, but he’s smiling as he wipes his hands. 

 

“Sure kid, what’s on your mind.” 

 

“Leia.” 

 

Han sighs, tosses the rag and shrugs. He’s instantly uncomfortable, Rey can tell. 

 

“What about her?” 

 

“She’s— she’s worse right now.” 

 

Hans eyes narrow. 

 

“She’s just stressed, she has a lot on her plate right now.” 

 

“And she takes it all out on Ben.” 

 

“Not all of it,” Han says, as if by confessing that Leia is also awful to him, it will make her feel better.

 

It definitely fucking doesn’t. 

 

“You have to talk to her,” Rey says. “She’s going to break him, Han, and I don’t— I don’t know what that’s going to look like but— he’s trying  _ so fucking hard.”  _

 

Han’s eyebrows raise at her curse word but he doesn’t comment on it. 

 

“Ben is a tough kid, and he knows his mom and what she can be like when—“ 

 

“No. No I’m sorry, he’s not that tough. No one is that tough she’s his— she’s his  _ mom _ and he thinks she hates him I—“ Rey gets too choked up to continue. She has to take a steadying breath. “You need to talk to her. Or you will lose him. And me,” she adds, as if there was any other option. 

 

Han nods slowly. 

 

“I’ll see what I can do.” 

 

Rey nods sharply, but she isn’t sure he means it. 

 

“Wanna help me with the falcon?” Han asks hopefully, and the look on his face well— Rey has never been good at denying the Solo boys anything. 

 

~~~

 

Ben is reading to her on the porch and they’re crammed onto the swing, bodies pressing against each other as they rock gently. 

 

Rey lets herself get lost in his voice, in the smell of his hair, the shape of his hand. 

 

She wants this, she wants this forever. Day after day after day.

 

Rey’s entire life has been  _ Ben  _ since she was eleven years old and now she can see the days falling away, counting down to a time when she will have to say goodbye. 

 

She thinks again of Kaydel on her knees, the idea of Ben’s cum in her mouth. She thinks about his wedding day, how she will  _ have  _ to be there, will have to smile and be nice and pretend like that’s fine, like she didn't give up the only thing she’s ever really wanted. 

 

Suddenly she’s shaking. 

 

“Hey,” Ben says, startled. “Are you okay?” 

 

She’s not. She’s crying, but she can’t even speak. 

 

Terror. That’s what this feeling is. 

 

Rey honestly wonders if it’s worth living without him, if it would be better for both of them if she just took herself out of the equation, lined her pockets with stones and walked out to sea. 

 

Ben’s hand is on her face. 

 

“Rey, what’s wrong,” he whispers. 

 

_ Everything _ , she wants to tell him,  _ everything is wrong. Can’t you see?  _

 

But she can’t even speak. 

 

She jumps up from the swing, suddenly unable to breath or talk or  _ anything _ and takes off for the woods. 

 

Ben follows her, of course he follows her. 

 

He finds her slumped against a tree, crying. 

 

He crouches down in front of her. He looks like he’s scared to touch her; scared to leave her. 

 

“Did I do something?” he asks carefully. 

 

_ Yes. You made me fall in love with you.  _

 

“No, sorry I didn’t— I didn’t want Leia to come outside and see me… like this.” 

 

Ben nods, as if that makes any fucking sense. Then she takes a deep breath and continues. 

 

“You know how my birthday was last week?” she says quietly. Ben nods with a little smile. “Do you wanna know what I wished for?” 

 

Ben’s smile drops, but he keeps nodding.

 

“I wished I was someone else, anyone else, someone who didn’t know you at all.” 

 

Ben sits, legs giving out under him. He lets out a heavy breath. 

 

“Because then I could either meet you— like normal and we could—“ she chokes on a sob. “Or I’d never know you. And I’d never have to hurt like this.” 

 

“Rey,” Ben says, “you know we can’t—“ 

 

“I  _ know _ ,” she spits, and it’s so full of vitriol that he blinks, shrinking back a little. “I’m not asking you for anything, Ben. I’m doing exactly what I promised you I would do but I need you to know how much I hate it.” 

 

“I do too, Rey,” he says. 

 

But does he? How could he? This is his choice after all. 

 

She huffs out a mean little laugh. 

 

“I keep thinking that everything would be better if I’d been in the car with my dad all those years a—“ 

 

Ben is up so fast she stops talking. He  _ slams _ his fist into the trunk of the tree she’s leaning against and screams. It’s a blood curdling and awful sound. A dying animal. 

 

“Don’t. Don’t you  _ ever _ fucking say that to me.” 

 

Rey’s sadness is bubbling into anger, she stands too, crowding him. 

 

“Why not? It’s true. It’s all I can think about lately. If you loved me like I love you Ben— you wouldn’t— you would—“ 

 

“I would  _ what _ Rey?” he looks  _ pissed _ now. “Tell me, what would I do?” 

 

“You would be with me.” She shrugs, tears falling down her face. “If you felt what I felt— none of this would matter.” 

 

“Is that what you think?” Ben says, and he’s crying too. “You think I’m doing this because I don’t love you? Are you kidding me? You know for someone so smart you can be a fucking idiot.” 

 

Rey blanches. 

 

“Oh fuck you, Solo,” she snaps. 

 

“Rey,” Ben says, and it’s softer now, desperate. His hands are on her, holding her face. “We will lose  _ everything, _ you know that right? They will turn us both out the minute they know. They don’t care about us enough to— to  _ listen _ . I’m doing this  _ for _ you! You have no idea, Rey. No idea. You want to be homeless? You want your college money to disappear? You want to lose the only fucking family you have left? We’ll be a joke, we’ll be the shame of the entire family. Not even Nana will talk to us. I’m trying to  _ protect _ you.” 

 

“I don’t care,” she says simply. She knows Ben is right. But she doesn’t care. “I don’t. I don’t care about anything but you.”

 

“I’m trying to protect us  _ both _ ,” he whispers. 

 

She is shaking so hard, not even Ben’s touch can steady her. 

 

“Is it worth it?” she whispers. “It’s worth losing me?” 

 

“Rey, you don’t understand—“ 

 

“You’re right,” she says, stepping back and out of his reach. “I really don’t.” 

 

And she turns around and storms back into the house. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben has that Linkin Park song in his head like I’M ABOUT TO BREAKKKKK lol pls validate me


	23. May - June 2013

_I've seen an ocean run away_   
_Torn from the truth that holds my soul_   
_Down in the grave where I belong_   


_Oh what a ride, identified my devil_   
_Wings to the sky on the run from trouble_   
_With my own hands, no shovel_   
_I dug through the ground_   
_Now I'm hanging above saying_   
  
_Please help me chop this tree down_   
_Or hold me from underneath_   
_Words never once cut me down_   
_Oh don't you cry for me_   


_Don’t You Cry For Me - Cobi_

  


_2013_

 

Ben just looks kind of broken around her for a while. Like he’s always on the verge of tears or punching something.

 

Leia sees his bloody hand and won’t let it go. It makes Rey feel worse than almost anything else.

 

She wants so badly to melt and go to him, sooth him with her hands and mouth and voice.

 

But she doesn’t, because she can’t walk that line. She has to stay way on this side of it or she will fall.

 

So they dance around each other. It’s uncomfortable but not in the way it has been awkward before, this just _hurts_.

 

Every time she sees him her heart breaks. She knows if she could just _get away_ she wouldn’t feel like this, she’d have time to sort things out and take space but there’s no fucking way to do that here.

 

So she starts looking into summer programs abroad, and then because she’s clicking through, at universities.

 

She had liked Europe a lot, and it was certainly _far._ Far enough she would only have to come for Christmas, probably.

 

She’s sitting in the dining room and she’s got the homepage open for Oxford when she hears someone behind her.

 

She turns around and sees Ben and it takes her a minute to figure out why he looks so horrified.

 

“Oxford?” he says.

 

“I’m just looking,” Rey says with a shrug. Ben’s lets out a slow, shaking breath.

 

“It’s a great school.”

 

Rey feels her eyes sting, so she turns her back on him and pretends to read about the history of the university.

 

“Yeah,” she says. “That’s what I hear.”

 

~~~

 

Finals week is a drag. It’s too hot for May, too hot for Northern California, too hot to focus on anything for the last two weeks of the semester.

 

Once it’s over most of their teachers have them watching movies in class with the AC on full blast.

 

The heat is making everyone crazy. Summer can’t come soon enough.

 

Rey was offered her old job st the ice cream cart and she accepted. Ben’s looking for something to do too.

 

She figures at least she won’t have to spend all day with him.

 

She hates that that’s a plus now.

 

She hates just about everything.

 

~~~

 

Leia is drunk. Han is too, but he’s got that mellow beer buzz that makes him fall asleep on the couch early.

 

Leia… well, she’s something else.

 

She’s got a champagne glass in her hand as she eyes Ben and Rey. Tomorrow is the last day of junior year. They’re celebrating.

 

It’s too hot, always too hot. Hot enough that when Rey comes home from school in the afternoon, she walks into the pool fully clothed.

 

It still doesn’t really cool her off.

 

“How’s your hand healing?” Leia asks. It’s loaded.

 

“It’s fine, mom.”

 

“Mmm,” Leia hums. “It would be better if you could control that temper though, wouldn’t it?”

 

Ben doesn’t say anything.

 

“You know we tried _so_ hard with you Ben. We tried to keep you in line, didn’t we Han?”

 

Han nods, sipping his beer. “He’s okay, Leia,” he says.

 

Leia shoots Han a pitying look.

 

“With the military camps and all of last year, you know I _really_ thought it would be enough. And yet— and yet—“

 

She’s shaking her head, she looks a snake, swaying and ready to strike, bright cheeks a warning of the venom inside.

 

“Aunt Leia,” Rey says, shaking her head a little. Leia doesn’t even acknowledge her.

 

“Still a little fuck up,” she says to Ben.

 

Rey is bristling. It’s too hot, she’s too angry at everyone, at herself, at this helplessness.

 

“That’s why we think you should go back to boot camp this summer, starting tomorrow.”

 

“No,” Rey says, and suddenly she’s standing, towering over Leia.

 

Ben stands too, slower, and he puts a hand on Rey’s shoulder and takes a steadying breath. When he does speak, Rey’s stomach drops.

 

“Do you love me?” Ben asks, looking at Leia.

 

No one says anything.

 

They’re all looking at Leia.

 

 _Just say it,_ Rey thinks _, say I love you._

 

“Don’t be stupid, Ben,” Leia says instead.

 

Ben shrugs, and his eyes are bright.

 

“Just tell me, it’s okay.”

 

“I don’t have to put up with this, you want to act like an idiot, fine, but don’t put it on me.”

 

Rey’s face screws up, she can’t believe this.

 

_Just say it. Just say it._

 

“Mom,” Ben says, and it’s pleading. “You really can’t even say it?”

 

She _can’t._ That much is clear, and Rey feels the enormity of what that means, of how that must cut Ben— but he doesn’t look surprised.

 

He is crying, though.

 

“Oh man up,” Leia snaps at him. “Are you really going to cry right now?”

 

She’s floundering, and Rey can see the torment behind her eyes and her absolute unwillingness to give an inch, even when it’s destroying her son.

 

“Nothing but a fucking disappointment from the day you were born, I regret even—“

 

She doesn’t finish.

 

She doesn’t finish because Rey slaps her.

 

She doesn’t even remember doing it, one minute Leia is talking and the next all Rey can hear is the blood pounding in her ears because Leia has fallen silent.

 

She fully expects to be hit back, can imagine this turning into a full blown fight in seconds, but Leia looks like she’s suddenly snapped back to reality.

 

She’s blinking tears away and shaking her head.

 

“I’m s-sorry,” she whispers, looking frantically between them all.

 

And then she turns and leaves the room.

 

Rey feels deadly calm, she can hear Ben sniffling next to her. She turns to Han, who is staring wide eyed at them.

 

“We’re leaving for the summer,” she tells him. “We’re going to Nana’s. You’re not sending Ben to camp.”

 

“Okay,” Han says, nodding. “Yeah okay.”

 

A few texts to her grandmother later and Ben and Rey are in possession of airline tickets.

 

They leave at dawn, choosing to Uber instead of asking for a ride.

 

They don’t look back once as they leave.

  


~~~

 

The sun has come up but the rain makes everything look like night, or early evening, or some time before daybreak.

 

She and Ben are sitting against the window of gate G6 at SFO airport.

 

Ben hasn’t said anything to her since last night. Just nodded as she helped him pack.

 

He seems nearly catatonic.

 

“Ben,” she says gently. They still have an hour before they board, they’ve been sitting there for an hour already. “Are you okay?”

 

“I don’t know,” Ben says, and his voice is raspy. He has to couch clear it and try it again. “I really don’t know, Rey I—“ He shakes his head and he’s crying again.  “I want you to listen to me, okay?”

 

“Of course,” Rey says, moving closer to him. She takes his hands in hers— he’s shaking.

 

“I’ve know deep down for a long time that she— that she never really—“ he swallows. “That she didn’t really love me. Not in the right way.”

 

Rey squeezes his hands.

 

“Ben she is—“

 

“Please just listen, I have to tell you this.”

 

Rey close her mouth and nods.

 

“I always felt like it was my fault, you know? Like I had made some mistake. My whole life I’ve been trying to fix those mistakes without _really_ knowing what the mistakes were.  But the intent was clear— fix this. Fix yourself. Make her love you.”

 

Rey is crying now too.

 

“But it didn’t work, obviously, probably wouldn’t have worked even if I hadn’t fucked up when I did, with the car or whatever.”

 

Rey wants to shake him, to promise him that things happen to kids all the time, it doesn’t make them bad people. It doesn’t make _him_ a bad person.

 

But she lets him continue.

 

“This whole time I’ve felt like— like I had to pick between being me, being myself and who I am, and being the person she could love. I put big things about myself aside, and some of them I don’t give a shit about but Rey— you—“

 

He touches her face. She doesn’t quite understand where this is going, her stomach flips.

 

“I knew that if she knew, about me, about my feelings for you— that would be it. My mother’s love for me has always dangled by a thread and I didn’t want to rip it with my own hands, I didn’t want to do the thing I knew I couldn’t come back from. I felt like if I just stayed _good,_ if I could stay away from you, I could prove I was worth loving. That I _was_ good.”

 

“Ben,” Rey sobs, “Ben I would never make you— I wouldn’t ever make you _choose_. I’m sorry—“

 

“No I’m sorry,” he says, and he’s smiling. “Because It never even mattered and I have given up the only thing in the world that I actually want and for what? If she was going to love me— she would.”

 

Rey can’t argue that, even though she wants to, wants to insist that Leia does love Ben but after the last 24 hours, she can’t— can’t do anything except—

 

“I love you,” she tells him. “I love you so much, Ben, and nothing you could ever do would change that. Even if you never touch me, even if we end up on opposite sides of the world— I will love you forev—“

 

Ben rushes forward and kisses her.

 

She’s so surprised that she doesn’t even move at first, and when she does it’s to pull back, to look frantically around them to make sure they weren’t seen— there are _so many_ people here but— but not a single one knows them.

 

She catches her breath and then grabs his face.

 

They make out, like full on make out, right there in the gate.

 

“I love you,” she whispers against his mouth. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

 

She needs him to hear it. He’s shaking against her and she wants everyone and everything to disappear around them so she can hold him while he screams and cries and touches her.

 

But they are very much in an airport, and while no one knows that they’re related, they do know two horny teenagers are making out in front of twenty something people.

 

“I love you,” he whispers, pulling back. “I don’t want to fight this anymore, Rey.”

 

“Me either, Ben, please— I just want to be with you.”

 

“I know,” he says seriously. “We will need— need some rules, you know? If we’re going to do this. We need to be so, _so_ careful.”

 

She nods. “We will be, Ben I promise. No one’s going to find out.”

 

“They will,” he says. “Eventually. We can’t keep it hidden forever, not if you want to get married or have a family— I mean _if that’s what you want_ I guess I don’t know for sure—“

 

Rey kisses him again. He lets her, lips hot and wet against her own. He groans into her mouth as she pulls back.

 

“I do,” she whispers. Ben nods. She feels like she could float away. She can taste him on her lips. He wants to _marry_ her.

 

“We just need to keep them from finding out while we live at home, after that they can’t separate us but Rey, I will _not_ them take me away from you again.”

 

Rey shivers at the intensity of his words, nodding.

 

A voice comes over the speaker, their flight is boarding.

 

Ben takes her hand and they trickle in with the rest of the passengers.

 

“You and your boyfriend have a good flight,” the attendant says to them with a smile as they scan their tickets.

 

Rey doesn’t correct her, just squeezes Ben’s hand and walks onto the plane, looking ahead at three months of freedom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Break into act three!


	24. June 2013

_Hold me up in the palm of your hand_  
_Lying to you is a river of sin_  
_Your metaphors, your silent calls_  
_Your feelings are too real_  
_Let them spew, a fall from grace_  
_Would do us good today_

_Hold Me Up - Live_

 

2013

 

They spend the entire plane ride to Washington kissing.

 

Rey has half a mind to pull him into the little bathroom, but she also wants to prove to Ben that she can have self control too, that she can follow whatever _rules_ they put in place.

 

But it feels like she’s been _so hungry_ for so fucking long and now that she’s had a little taste she’s _starving._

 

She can’t stop touching him, she touches his face and his lips with her fingers, his ears (it makes him shiver) and his eyelashes. She presses little kisses everywhere she can reach, his neck too.

 

They’re leaning in close enough to each other and absorbed enough in their own little world and she doesn’t really give a shit who might be watching since they’re all strangers, they all have no idea that she’s— that they’re— _cousins._

 

Rey’s hand lands in Ben’s lap and she can feel the outline of his dick straining against his pants. She lets her fingers glide over him and he stops kissing her and makes a little sound.

 

Then he takes her hand and moves it off of his erection and to his lips to kiss softly.

 

She actually pouts.

 

Ben laughs and shakes his head.

 

“We can’t. We have to keep our heads on straight, even at Nana’s, okay?”

 

“I know,” she whispers.

 

There’s no one in the seat right next to them, but two people are across the aisle.

 

“Rules,” Ben says, “we need them.” Rey nods. “Nothing in the house if Nana is home. That means at night too.”

 

“Okay,” she says.

 

“No bed sharing.”

 

Rey pouts but she nods.

 

“Nothing in view of the house so no kissing while out on the lake.”

 

“Fair.”

 

“Can you think of any?”

 

Rey tilts her head and sighs.

 

“I think we should try to be like— mindful of the staring.”

 

“The staring?”

 

“Yeah we sort of— _stare_. We should be better about that, because it’s gonna be hard not to look stupidly happy and I don’t know if we can get away with being ridiculously giddy and also all the staring.”

 

“I’ll be more mindful,” Ben says seriously.

 

Rey kisses him. And kisses him. And kisses him.

 

“I’m so stupidly, ridiculously happy,” she whispers.

 

Ben has the goofiest fucking look on his face when he whispers, “Me too.”

 

~~~

 

Rey is surprised by how much she missed Nana Paddy’s house.

 

She hasn’t been here in five years. It feels strange and dreamlike to walk through the doors. She has the wildest desire to press her face into the couch cushions and breathe the smell in.

 

“You kids remember where your rooms are, why don’t you throw your stuff down and then come downstairs for food.”

 

Rey and Ben do indeed remember where they’re rooms are. The beds are still little, twin sized, and Rey laughs at the idea of attempting to share one with Ben. She’d have to be literally on top of him.

 

Then again, she figuress that wouldn’t be so bad. That might even be the whole point.

 

She finds Ben and Nana downstairs.

 

“Oh my god it smells amazing, what am I smelling?!”

 

“Chicken and waffles,” Ben says through a massive mouthful of food.

 

“Chew,” she tells him.

 

Nana passes her a plate loaded with chicken and waffles and she actually _moans_ at the first bite. It’s so good.

 

Nana lets them get through an entire plate before she says, “So, tell me what happened,” with that calm smile of hers.

 

With everything that happened with Ben at the airport, Rey almost forgot the whole reason they flew out here last minute.

 

She looks at Ben, he’s looking at her.

 

“Tell her,” she says.

 

So he does.

 

He tells her about what happened last night, about how she was trying to send him away for summer, about how quickly she was always ready to get rid of him. They talk about the car crash, and army camp, and Rey tells her how quick Leia is to shut him down.

 

They tell her that Rey slapped Leia. They tell her why she did it.

 

Nana Paddy listens very carefully.

 

“Thank you for telling me this, Ben.”

 

Ben isn’t crying, but he looks like he’s not far off. Rey takes his hand. She can’t help it. He lets her.

 

“She’s not well,” Rey says. “She needs help, Nana.”

 

Nana sighs.

 

“You got caught with weed, right?” she asks Ben. He nods. “Do you still smoke?”

 

He doesn’t answer right away, scratches his head and blusters.

 

“Yeah sometimes, you know. If it’s around.”

 

“Well it’s around, kiddo, this is Washington and they let us buy it in stores now. Don’t need to, though, since it grows out back. You wanna get stoned?”

 

Rey and Ben gawk at their grandmother.

 

“Is this a trick?” Rey asks.

 

“Not a trick. It’s time I told you both some things about your grandfather and I can’t do it without a blunt so if you want in, you can have in. No _peer_ _pressure_ though, I won’t call you a wimp or anything. You can just have lemonade.”

 

“We will totally get high with you Nana Paddy,” Ben says, and he is smiling now. Doesn’t look close to tears at all.

 

“Excellent.”

 

~~~

 

It turns out Nana is kind of a stoner. She does _work_ on her blunt.

 

Ben and Rey take smaller hits because while they can tell Nana needs to be loose to tell this story, they figure they should be with it enough to hear it.

 

“No one has ever loved anyone as much as I loved your grandfather,” she says.

 

Rey thinks of how much she loves Ben, and wonders if that’s true.

 

“We met young, really young,” she smiles. “He was the smartest, most intense person I’ve ever known. You remind me of him a lot, Ben. He was so honest, and when he looked at you, you could _feel it.”_

 

Nana hits the blunt again, exhales a puff of skunky smoke.

 

“Love is a lot of things, kids, but it’s not always the most important thing. We want it to be, I wanted it to be, and so I stayed with someone who I knew was toxic. He was manipulative, he would get violent when he didn’t get his way but— so what? I could give him his way when he needed that, I could be that person if it calmed him down and made him soft again. And he was soft, deeper down, he just felt everything dialed up to a hundred, so loud. He loved so loud, and he hurt so loud, they both spilled out onto everything.”

 

Rey thinks she knows where this is going.

 

“I will never stop loving your grandfather, but I should have left him sooner. I just thought he was only violent toward me, only angry with me, the kids were _so little_. I didn’t know he hit them.”

 

Nana puts the blunt out in an antique glass ashtray, her wrinkled fingers stubbing it and getting dusted with ash.

 

“Once I found out, I left. Took the kids, they were about ten. Just left in the middle of the night. No warning. I was terrified of him, of what he would do if he lost me. Rightly so.” She looks at Ben and Rey and her dark eyes are shining. “He set our entire house on fire, let himself burn with it.”

 

“Jesus fuck,” Rey says.

 

“Nana I’m so sorry,” Ben says.

 

“It fucked up both of those kids, in different ways. Luke became a pacifist, a long haired hippy content with beading jewelry and making pottery in Sedona. He knew he had the same darkness in him and he went way far left, Jimmy Buffett and guided meditation. As for Leia, well… Leia…”

 

They all know. It feels odd, suddenly, that her father has to be explained to her but her aunt doesn’t.

 

_I’m the only mother you got, kid._

 

She shivers. Leia isn’t her mother, but she's also not _not_ her mother.

 

“She threw herself into work, and being _tough_ and making sure she has the upper hand over anyone who could possibly hurt her. She married a weak man she knew couldn’t raise a finger toward her. But she runs on fear, and it isn’t fair to you. I’m going to talk to her, Ben. I’m going to make sure she’s in therapy before you guys get home. I promise you this.”

 

“Thank you,” Ben says, and he’s choked up. His eyes are red from the weed, but it makes him look more emotional than he might otherwise. “And thank you for telling us that.”

 

“You deserve to know.”

 

Rey has to agree with that, after all this time and all of Leia’s behavior… they really fucking do.

 

~~~

 

Rey’s head is absolutely spinning.

 

Her new relationship with Ben and the knowledge of her grandfather’s morbid history and her aunt’s internalized trauma all weigh heavily.

 

They decide to go for a swim in the lake, Ben’s idea. Rey brings a big inner tube and a magazine with her.

 

Ben swims laps.

 

They stay like that for a while until Ben grabs the side of her tube and spits lake water in her face.

 

“Hey!”

 

“You’re so pretty,” he says dreamily, and Rey stops being mad. She blinks at him in surprise. “You look ridiculously hot in that bathing suit.”

 

“Wasn’t the _no kissing on the lake_ thing your rule? Are you trying to get me to break it?”

 

Ben tucks his chin in and smiles.

 

“No I just— I never get to say that. I think it _all_ the time and I never get to tell you. You look— sexy.”

 

His ears go red.

 

“Oh my god it’s so hard not to kiss you right now! Ben,” Rey almost feels panicked because _she has to kiss him._

 

He laughs and dives under her, she waits for him to surface but he doesn’t, instead she feels his hands on her ass. Her jaw drops.

 

When he does finally surface Rey is buzzing.

 

“Oh okay, new rules,” she says. “No teasing me.”

 

“Veto,” Ben says.

 

“We don’t get vetoes.”

 

“Of _course_ we do, this is a democracy.”

 

Rey laughs, cupping her face in her hands.

 

“It’s too much fun to tease you, please don’t take it away from me.”

 

“Okay, teasing rights remain for the time being,” she acquiesces. “Say Ben, how many yards do you think it is to Nana’s house?”

 

“Maybe thirty, forty yards to the window from here?”

 

“So she can see like, if we’re tangled up kissing— but she definitely can’t see little details.”

 

“Little details like what?” Ben asks.

 

“Like this.” Rey tugs her bikini down enough that her tits are exposed.

 

Ben can see the way her pink nipples have hardened, the way her tits point up a little bit. His eyes bug out of his head.

 

“Holy shit,” Ben says. “Holy shit.”

 

“Don’t touch, Nana could see us,” she winks and fixes her top again.

 

“Oh okay,” he says, “I see how it is. Teasing; a two way street we both live on.”

 

“You got that right, Solo.”

 

Summer is going to be fun.

 

~~~

 

The sun doesn’t set until after ten this far north, so at six there is still a lot of daylight. They binge on fruit, fat, sweet berries and cherries and oranges, a welcome shift after chicken and waffles.

 

“I’m supposed to go to book club tonight but I can skip it,” Nana Paddy says to them.

 

“Oh no please, don’t stay on our behalf, we’re wiped. Go to book club Nana,” Rey says, hoping too late that she didn’t sound positively eager.

 

“It _is_ a juicy one,” Nana says with delight. “You sure you kids are okay by yourself for a bit?”

 

“Definitely,” Ben says, and he’s not looking at Rey and she is certainly not looking at him because she would definitely break out into peals of giddy laughter.

 

“Okay, I’ll be back in a bit.”

 

She shuffles around getting her shoes and phone and her copy of The Mists of Maypark, a novel with a big, beefy man on the cover.

 

Rey is still trying not to smile dumbly as she waves goodbye.

 

And then, just like, they’re alone.

 

~~~

 

“How Long do we wait?” Rey asks. She and Ben are sitting on opposite sides of Nana Paddy’s living room. The front door has only just shut, Rey can hear the engine of her car turn over and the gravel crunch as she pulls out.

 

“A few minutes, for sure, and then— we should be—“

 

“Safe?”

 

“I was going to say way more hidden, upstairs. Safe? Really Rey?”

 

“Hey!” she says, stung, “I mean like— relatively speaking.”

 

They sit in silence. Rey counts to a hundred.

 

“Is that long enough?”

 

“No,” Ben says. “She’s still well within the window to turn around if she forgot something.”

 

They sit for a while longer.

 

Rey is watching Ben. He’s breathing too fast, his cheeks are pink.

 

“Let’s go upstairs,” she says, after she counts to a hundred three more times.

 

“Okay,” he says, and Rey is suddenly really nervous.

 

Ben takes her hand and they pad up their grandmothers staircase.

 

The walls are covered in their baby pictures and Rey stops to look.

 

There’s a photo of her and Ben, stark naked in the tub together. They can’t be older than four.

 

They don’t look _alike_ but they do look _similar_ and as much as Rey would like not be related to Ben, to pretend that she isn’t… she is. It’s harder to forget that here. Or maybe harder to forget now that they… are what they are.

 

This thing between them is so heavy, rooted so, so deep.

 

She looks up at her cousin. The spark in his eye is the same as it is in the photograph. Mischievous. Clever. Full of love for her.

 

Their history winds backward and together just as it winds forward. They are made of the same blood, the same story.

 

Rey tugs Ben into her bedroom.

 

~~~

 

It’s just that once Rey has Ben in her bedroom, she doesn’t know what to do.

 

“What do we do?” she whispers.

 

“I don’t know,” he tells her. “But I wanna touch you,”

 

Her heart does a weird squeezing thing.

 

“Will you hold me?”

 

“Yes,” he’s already moving, already has her hands and is guiding her into the little bed. “Come lay with me.”

 

Rey trembles as she follows Ben.

 

They’re lying down facing each other, pressed together. Ben is just looking at her, mystified.

 

“I love you,” he whispers.

 

“Only you,” she says.

 

He kisses her and it’s messier and hotter than the kisses at the airport, on the plane. Ben makes a noise in the back of his throat that Rey _feels_ in her own body and she’s absolutely on fire— but it’s burning the wrong way, eating her from the inside, coiling smaller and hotter and tighter.

 

Part of Rey’s mind is listening for any sound, for a car in the driveway or a key in the lock.

 

But she can’t say no to this, not right now.

 

She sucks on Ben’s lip and brings her hands between them, touching his chest.

 

“I can feel your heart,” she tells him in between kisses. “It’s going so fast.”

 

Ben is shaking a little, kissing her frantically as he rolls over her, propping himself up.

 

“Can I see your tits again?”

 

Rey closes her eyes at his words.

 

It’s fucking filthy to her her Ben say those words.

 

“Yes,” she whispers. “Yes.”

 

Ben’s hand is shaking as he brings it up to paw at her tits through her tank top.

 

He starts to play with her nipple, pinching it to hardness through the cotton. Rey hisses. It’s like electricity shooting straight between her legs.

 

“Do you like it?” Ben asks.

 

“Yes.” It’s a confession, it makes her blush.

 

“So cute,” Ben says, and he’s pushing her tank top up, up enough to let her tits show.

 

He lowers his head and mouths at her.

 

There is still an undercurrent of _we should not be doing this_ hanging over everything.

 

Ben’s mouth is like hot, wet velvet as he laps at her. It’s artless, but it’s _Ben’s mouth on her tits_ so she’s losing it, shifting her legs together.

 

“Ben,” she whimpers, running her fingers through his hair. He moans against her tits as she tugs.

 

She pulls him back up for a kiss and he thrusts his tongue into her mouth and she sucks on it. It’s long and thick.

 

Ben’s hand is on her stomach, trailing lower to the top of her running shorts.

 

“Can I touch you? Rey please, let me touch you.”

 

His fingers dance against the soft skin of her belly, just under her shorts.

 

Rey whimpers and nods as Ben pushes his hand down her shorts and into her panties.

 

“You’re wet,” he says, as if he’s surprised.

 

“Have been since we got on that damn plane,” she says.

 

Ben chuckles and kisses her.

 

He runs his fingers up and down against her and it feels nice but it’s not quite—

 

“Oh,” she pants as his finger grazes over her clit.

 

“There?” he asks, he’s looking for it.

 

“Yep,” she says, and then she makes an embarrassing noise because he’s rubbing her clit in rough little circles.

 

She tries to cover her mouth but he pushes her hand away, just like he did that first time.

 

So Rey can’t help it, she just makes these stupid little sounds as her cousin plays with her clit.

 

“Can I put them inside you?”

 

“Yeah but go slow, you’re big.”

 

Ben makes a stupid, smug face at her and she swats at him.

 

“Not like that. But also I’m sure like that. Just like, start with one?”

 

“Okay,” Ben says.

 

He doesn’t take her shorts all the way off, just maneuvers his hand so he can dip his middle finger inside of her.

 

Rey sighs as he does. The stretch is _nice_ and it’s bigger than her fingers by a lot.

 

“Another,” she whimpers and Ben slides another fat finger into her.

 

“Oh,” he says, and he blinks down at her. “Oh my god Rey. You’re so— I don’t know how I could possibly—“

 

She feels stuffed beyond full with just two of his fingers, she also doesn’t know how they could _possibly_.

 

“We’ll figure it out,” she promises him, tugging him down for more greedy kisses. Her hips are rocking against his hand, searching for _more_ but not getting it.

 

“Ben, please.”

 

Ben starts to pump his fingers in and out of her, slowly at first, but he starts to pick up speed after a few seconds.

 

He’s fucking her with two fingers, pulling them back and thrusting them in over and over.

 

Rey’s breath picks up to match his pace when his thumb clumsily finds her clit again.

 

“Oh my god,” she says, because she can’t believe how good this feels. “Shit Ben. Just ah, push them like, there’s something I can feel—“

 

Ben’s fingers curl inside of her and Rey cries out loud enough that Ben cages her in, shushing her.

 

“Shh, you okay?”

 

“Again,” she begs him. He stays pressed on top of her, breathing right against her cheek as he curls his fingers inside of her again. She shivers to the core. Her hips are rolling against Ben’s hand as he nails that spot inside of her over, and over, and over.

 

“Shh,” Ben says again, even though there is no one home. Obviously neither of them can shake the feeling— the knowledge that they _could_ get caught. But Rey can’t help it. She’s so close.

 

“Ben,” she says, and he’s watching her so carefully, waiting to see when she falls over the edge.

 

“Beautiful,” he tells her, “perfect.”

 

Rey grunts as her body seizes up and her back bows. She clutches Ben, moaning into his neck as she cums hard against her cousins hand.

 

“Shit,” she gasps. “That felt good.”

 

Ben kisses her hard and Rey immediately drops her hands down to the top of his shorts. But he grabs her wrists and shakes his head.

 

“We don’t have time, it’s been more than an hour already and I’ll have to shower. He pulls his hand up to his face and sniffs his fingers.

 

“Ben! Don’t do that, that’s gross.”

 

“No it’s not,” he says with a smirk, and he puts his fingers in his mouth and she shivers.

 

“I wanna touch you too,” she whines.

 

“You will,” he says, “I promise.”

 

She wants him in her mouth, in her hands, against her body. She is _so_ not done.

 

But Ben kisses her quick and then leaves to shower, and it’s only a few minutes later that she hears Nana downstairs.

 

Her stomach flips, Ben was right. It’s so easy to get lost in this, but they can’t afford to.

 

Getting caught wouldn’t just be _embarrassing_ or _awkward_.

 

It would ruin _everything_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT BEGINS! *elmo in front of the fire gif*
> 
> Also this is now officially my longest fic on ao3 woooooo!


	25. June 2013 Part Two

_Oh, don't you know I have seen_  
_I have seen the fields aflame_  
_And everything I ever did_  
_Was just another way to scream your name_  
_Over and over and over and over again_  
_Over and over and over and over again_

 _And we're just children wanting children of our own_  
_I want a space to watch things grow_  
_But did I dream too big?_  
_Do I have to let it go?_  
_What if one day there is no such thing as snow?_ _  
_ Oh God, what do I know?

 

_South London Forever - Florence + The Machine_

  


_2013_

 

That night, after Nana goes to bed, Rey sneaks into Ben’s room.

 

“Hi,” she whispers, walking nervously to his bed.

 

He pulls his feet up so she can sit. His legs are bare, pale and dusted with hair and moles, his feet are so big.

 

“You know the rules—“

 

“I’m not here for _that_ , I just wanna talk for a little bit. It’s been a fucking crazy forty eight hours.”

 

Ben lets out a heavy breath.

 

“Yeah, fuck.”

 

“Are you okay? I mean just with all the stuff with your mom and then finding out about grandpa, what he did to her.”

 

“What she saw in me,” Ben says, shaking his head. “I don’t know how she could think that of me.”

 

“She doesn’t,” Rey says, and Ben gives her a _look._ “No Ben really, she doesn’t. Because she doesn’t see you. She has never seen you, or me, but mostly you. She sees what she wants to see. She wanted a daughter she could doll up in dresses and she stopped spending time with me the minute I stopped wearing them. She sees horrible things in you because she is sick, so she puts them there. I don’t think any of what Nana said excuses anything she’s done, and I don’t think you should go back there if she doesn’t go into therapy. I will fight for that, even if it means you staying here while I go back for a while.”

 

Ben leans over and kisses her. He takes her face in his hands. When he speaks, his voice sounds dangerous.

 

“No one is ever going to take you away from me again, do you understand? I’m done. Where you go, I go.”

 

Rey feels the weight of her love settle in her stomach. It feels massive, biblical.

 

“Okay,” she says gently. “The stuff about grandpa was hectic though, right?”

 

“Totally. He _set himself on fire?_ ”

 

“Yeah that’s,” Rey shivers, “just awful.”

 

“I mean I never knew him, and yet I guess I’ve been like, living in his shadow? In some weird way.”

 

“Yeah,” she says, touching Ben’s hair, playing with it.

 

“And what about, you know, all the stuff with us? You’re still… you know… happy?”

 

She doesn’t mean to sound so nervous. Ben sits up straighter.

 

“God yes,” he says, leaning toward her. “Are you?”

 

“Yes,” she says quickly. “Yeah I mean— I am a little _frustrated_ at the current lack of empty houses and giant beds but, Ben, I am so happy.”

 

He kisses her again.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too, but you should go to bed, no more rule breaking.”

 

Rey smiles against his mouth and quietly leaves his room.

 

~~~

 

They’re watching Harry Potter. Ben and Rey are curled up on Nana’s couch while she is in the kitchen making dinner.

 

They have a blanket pulled up over them, the back door is open to let the cool breeze in. They can hear nana humming in the other room.

 

On screen, Hagrid explains to Harry that he is a wizard.

 

Rey isn’t leaning into Ben, there’s a few inches of space between them, but her hand is on his leg under the blanket.

 

He’s in basketball shorts and she can feel the coarse hairs on his leg.

 

Her hand skims up higher and she feels him shiver.

 

He looks over at her and his eyes are dark and bright but he shakes his head.

 

Rey looks behind her, she can hear Nana mixing something, smell the weed from her blunt.

 

Rey’s hand moves up over Ben’s shorts.

 

He’s hard.

 

She smirks at him and he flushes.

 

She lets her fingers just gently trace over the outline of his dick and his breathing gets a little faster.

 

“Just relax,” she tells him. Even if Nana walked in, she wouldn’t be able to see anything except the two of them, a few inches apart, watching a movie.

 

The back of the couch would block anything until she came to stand in front of them.

 

Rey can’t believe how big Ben feels. He’s so much bigger than Hux, thicker. She wants to see— cant stand that she can’t.

 

She is too scared to take him out of his shorts so she’s just sort of rubbing him through the slick material.

 

Ben tilts his head toward her, his eyes have dropped a bit and his mouth is open.

 

“Rey,” he whisper-whines.

 

“Shhh, it’s okay.”

 

“Do you guys like cilantro?” Nana Paddy calls to them.

 

Rey freezes but they don’t move.

 

“Sure Nana,” Rey says brightly.

 

She starts moving her hand again, squeezing this time. Ben is _really_ hard and she can see his chest rising and falling quickly but he isn’t making any noises.

 

He bites his lip as she traces over the head, presses the fabric against the wet slit at the top of his cock and then feels down underneath the head.

 

Ben makes a noise. It’s quiet but clearly involuntary and he fists the blanket with one hand and brings the other up to his face.

 

“It’s okay,” Rey whispers again.

 

“This is so stupid,” Ben says, but his head falls back and the hand that was fisted in the blanket finds Rey’s thigh and digs in. She doesn’t dignify him with an answer, just works his cock steadily, out of sight.

 

“You’re fucking massive,” Rey whispers, and Ben’s dick jumps. She files that away for later.

 

“I’ll be in in five kids! Just need to finish up in here.” Nana says.

 

“Okay Nana,” Rey calls back toward the kitchen.

 

“You better come quick,” she whispers to Ben, and she speeds her hand up, jerking him faster through his shorts, squeezing as tight as she can.

 

Ben hisses and bites down on his fist and Rey’s hand is suddenly wet, hot, sticky.

 

She keeps touching him until his hips jerk back and then she stops.

 

She doesn’t _dare_ kiss him.

 

Ben is boneless and out of breath next to her.

 

“You guys want lemonade?” Nana calls out.

 

“Sure,” Rey says, and Ben groans as he quickly gets up and darts out of the living room and up the stairs— to change his shorts, she figures.

 

He’s only been gone three second when Nana returns with two glasses of lemonade. Rey takes hers with her clean hand.

 

“Thanks Nana,” she says with a smile.

 

“Where did Ben go?”

 

“Ran to the bathroom, he’ll be back in a second.”

 

Nana smiles and puts Ben’s drink down, goes back into the kitchen.

 

As soon as she does, Rey licks the traces of sticky mess from her fingers and has to stop herself from groaning.

 

Ben tastes better than she ever dreamed.

 

~~~

 

Nana puts them to work.

 

She grows a ton of pot out back, and she usually has what she calls “woofers” come through and help her out, but since they’re there—

 

They trim the plants. Cut the buds down and snip away the extra leaves.

 

It leaves them sticky and covered in the sharp little crystals Rey has never really paid attention to before, but now constantly get in her eyes and under her nails and stick to her clothes.

 

But it isn’t so bad. They play music and smoke weed and she and Ben just get to _hang out_ all day.

 

She would like to be doing _other things_ in addition to all the talking but there’s no one else she wants to sit in the sunshine with. That’s for sure.

 

“Hey about last night,” Ben says, and Rey blushes, remembering the feel of his jizz splashing her hand. “Not that I didn’t love it, or want it, but I think— you know we— we gotta,”

 

“I know,” Rey says. “I’m sorry. I’ll be better.”

 

“It’s so hard for me to say no to you once your hands are on me,” he tells her. “I can’t think.”

 

“I’m sorry, I won’t— I won’t push.”

 

“I promise Rey, we will do, you know, _all of it,_ we just can’t risk— even if it is— like— very hot.”

 

Rey blushes and looks down.

 

“It is very hot, isn’t it?”

 

“Yes. But that’s why we have to be careful, okay?”

 

“Yeah,” she says. “I promise.”

 

Ben smiles at her and they go back to trimming weed

 

~~~

 

They’re allowed to smoke weed pretty much whenever which is… new. As long as they don’t drive or go out on the lake stoned.

 

Hiking though, that they can do while high as hell, as long as they smoke their weed on the trail.

 

Nana lives tucked into the base of the cascade mountains and there are trails all over for them to explore.

 

They head out early one morning, just as the sun is coming up and take Nana’s car about forty minutes north to the trailhead. They kiss at all the stoplights and when they’re on the highway, Ben puts his hand on Rey’s bare thigh and she almost begs him to pull the car over.

 

They park at the bottom of the trail and grab their backpacks, loaded with water and snacks and joints.

 

Rey is in jean shorts and a plain T-shirt, Ben’s in jeans and tank top he made by cutting the sleeves off of a shirt he found in thrift store. It has an anime girl blushing and drooling on it. It’s kind of ridiculous.

 

“Okay,” Rey says. “Four miles to the first peak, gain is three thousand feet. You ready for this!”

 

“Let’s do it.”

 

They set off up the mountain. It’s just Rey and Ben and the fresh air, the massive trees.

 

“Hey,” Rey says, sliding next to Ben and taking his hand. “I love you.”

 

Ben laughs, squeezing her hand.

 

“I love you.”

 

She can’t believe this is her life. A year ago, she was spending the summer alone, crying to herself every night over Ben’s absence and now—

 

She stops walking and tugs on his shirt, pulling him. He leans down and kisses her, taking his time.

 

“We’re alone,” she says against his mouth.

 

“We are,” he agrees.

 

Rey starts pushing at his chest, pushing him to the edge of the trail, so his back against a tree.

 

“I wanna see you,” she begs him, “I wanna taste you. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.” Her words are all are hot and pressed close against his face. “Keep thinking about having you in my mouth.”

 

“Rey,” Ben says and he sounds _broken._ “Oh my god.”

 

Rey’s hands are already on the button if Ben’s jeans and she’s tugging them down.

 

She sinks to her knees as she peels back his pants and his boxers.

 

He is big. Bigger than he felt, bigger than she expected.

 

“Whoa,” she says.

 

Ben’s head hits the trunk of the tree he’s leaning against.

 

She takes him in her hand and begins to gently stroke, but there’s friction. She debates using her sunscreen— but she doesn’t want it in her mouth so—

 

Rey licks her cousins cock. Ben groans and puts his hand in her hair.

 

“I’ve never done this,” she tells him, “so it might be—“

 

“Perfect,” Ben says, and he pulls her gently back onto his dick.

 

Rey opens her mouth and slides down onto him. She can’t get more than halfway down, so she slide back up and starts to lick from the bottom, coating his shaft and making it slick.

 

Ben’s hand is tight in her hair. She takes him in her mouth again and starts to bob up and down, the way she’s seen girls do in porn videos. She gags a little as he hits the back of her throat but for some reason it just makes her want to go faster, harder.

 

She doesn’t pull back, she tries to relax and take him deeper, but she gags again and _has_ to pull back.

 

“Sorry,” she says, wiping her mouth.

 

“You can stop if you want to.”

 

“I don’t want to,” she sinks back into him, this time focusing on sucking the part she can reach instead of trying to take all of him.

 

She runs her tongue along the little bump under the head of his cock and Ben pulls her down onto his dick harder.

 

She sputters against him but doesn’t pull back, even when he apologizes, voice strained.

 

She just keeps going, trying to suck hard as she sinks down a little further each time.

 

Ben’s hips are stuttering against her face.

 

“I’m gonna cum,” he groans, trying to pull back. Rey digs her fingers into his hips and sucks hard.

 

A moment later she feels his entire length twitch. She brings her hands up to his balls to hold them and he jerks forward, flooding her mouth.

 

Some of it goes right down her throat but some is on her tongue, thick and salty and heady.

 

She swallows it all, wiping her mouth inelegantly.

 

Ben tugs her up and kisses her. She can feel him shaking a little.

 

“Holy shit you have no idea how long I’ve been picturing you on your knees like that. Rey—” He kisses her again, tongue thrusting into her mouth, he must be able to taste himself, seems to be seeking it out.

 

She shivers against him. They both sink down, sitting on the forest floor.

 

Ben pulls a joint out of his backpack and lights it. Rey rests her head on her shoulder, watching the smoke linger with the light from the trees.

 

Everything is perfect.

 

~~~

 

They get back to Nana’s a few hours later and find her making special brownies.

 

“You’re just in time,” she says, pulling a tray from the oven and setting it on the stove.

 

“It smells amazing,” Ben says as Nana comes around to face them.

 

“Oh Rey honey, did you fall?”

 

Rey’s face scrunches with confusion for a minute before her eyes follow Nana’s and land on her knees.

 

They are bruised and scraped and _ruined_ and how did she not even notice?

 

“Oh— yeah— I uh— I fell. Just tripped really, it’s nothing.”

 

“Hmm,” Nana says, eyes moving between her and Ben. “Well I’m glad you’re okay now.”

 

Rey’s heart is racing so fast, Ben has gone stock still beside her.

 

“Oh yeah, totally fine.”

 

Nana just looks at her for another moment, and then she smiles and says, “Help yourself to brownies,” before walking out of the kitchen.

 

The brownies smell like heaven, but Rey isn’t hungry anymore.


	26. June - August 2013

 

_Tear me down, they can't take you out of my thoughts_   
_Under every scar there's a battle I've lost_   
_Will they stop when they see us again?_   
_I can't stop now I know who I am_   


_Now I'm all yours, I'm not afraid_   
_You're all mine, say what they may_   
_And all your love, I'll take to the grave_   
_And all my life starts_ _  
_I'm all yours, I'm not afraid

 

_Wedding Plans - Howard Shore_

 

_2013_

 

Nana’s comments about her knees scare the shit out of Rey. Scare Ben, too. They decide to seriously cool it.

 

They can’t allow the thrill of how new and exciting this is cloud their judgment; the risk is not worth the fall.

 

So they don’t touch, like, _at_ _all_.

 

Rey sneaks a goodnight kiss every night and it’s the damn highlight of her day, her heart races every time.

 

Nana seems to be _watching them_ a little closer.

 

She comes and hangs out on the shore while they swim now, and she’s taken to coming into rooms without knocking, walking quietly. Almost like she’s trying to sneak up on them.

 

Needless to say, it’s sketchy as fuck.

 

“Nana knows,” Ben tells her one day when they’re floating on the lake.

 

“Then why hasn’t she said anything?”

 

“Maybe she’s waiting to catch us.”

 

“Well,” Rey says, “we won’t let her.”

 

They both turn to look at the shore where Nana Paddy is sitting, trimming more of her sticky marijuana plants.

 

Ben gives a dark look and slides off his tube to do laps instead.

 

~~~

 

June bleeds into July. Rey is going crazy from not touching Ben.

 

On the Fourth of July Nana drives them all out to the beach for the day. The shore is mostly rocks but it’s fun and there are a lot of people cooking food and lighting off fireworks.

 

She hikes with them now too, never leaves them alone for more than twenty minutes or so.

 

Rey and Ben can’t push it or ask for space because they’re sure she’s just waiting for a good time to tell them _she knows_.

 

So they pretend not to notice, not to care.

 

It’s fine. Better than thinking she can never have Ben, that’s for sure. Just hard in a different way.

  


It isn’t until mid August that they have a shot.

 

There’s a punk band playing in town that Rey says she _loves._ She begs Nana to let them go.

 

Rey can see her grandmother warring with herself in her mind. There is no reason to say no, and going with them would be— a departure from her norm, for sure.

 

She sighs, looking up at Rey.

 

“You can go, but you have to promise me no drinking, no smoking and driving, got it?”

 

“Yes Nana we promise, of course.”

 

Rey is hoping that her vibrant excitement could possibly be seen as enthusiasm for the show, and _just_ the show.

 

Nana doesn’t look convinced.

 

“Rey,” she says. “Be careful.”

 

Rey nods, too excited to read deeper into what her grandmother is saying.

 

~~~

 

They take the car and drive more than an hour to the venue.

 

The band is called Beach Riot and Rey thinks they’re okay, good enough that she does really wanna see the show.

 

They snap a few pics of themselves at the show and post them to Instagram. They want Nana to know they are where they said they’d be.

 

For now.

 

Once the music starts Rey begins to relax. She realizes that no one here knows them. To everyone else they’re just a regular couple.

 

She lets out a relieved little laugh and turns to Ben, putting a hand on his jaw to tilt his head down to hers. He smiles as he leans down, kissing her softly.

 

The music starts and it’s loud as shit, people are thrashing around, moshing and yelling.

 

Ben crowds Rey against a back wall and kisses her and kisses her and kisses her.

 

“Can we go somewhere else?” she asks him.

 

Ben nods and pulls her out of the crowd, toward the exit and onto the street.

 

He kisses her again and then they get in the car.

 

“What should we do?” Ben asks.

 

Rey is beyond being coy.

 

“Find a dark and quiet place to park, duh.”

 

Ben flushes a little but nods and pulls out of the parking lot.

 

They cruise for a while, windows down. It’s warm out, Rey can see so many stars and they head away from the city and back into the mountains.

 

The canyon road is poorly lit but littered with emergency pull offs and even smaller roads.

 

They turn off the four lane road and onto a two lane road that splits off only into the occasional driveway, and follow that for a while. Eventually they find another little dirt road, maybe it leads up to a house eventually, but they can pull the car off the road and into a little copse of trees.

 

Ben kills the engine and the headlights. The inside light comes on, washing them in orange light for a minute.

 

Rey smirks and scrambles into the backseat.

 

Ben takes the time to push both of the front seats up and Rey is vibrating with impatience.

 

She doesn’t get how Ben can be calm right now.

 

He crawls into the backseat with her looks at her.

 

“What do you wanna do?” he asks.

 

“I want you to fuck me.”

 

Rey has just enough time to see his eyes darken before the light goes off above them and they’re swallowed by darkness.

 

Ben reaches up to turn it back on.

 

“Okay,” he says, “but I wanna see you.”

 

She nods. This isn’t an ideal place to do this, but it’s as good as it’s going to get for them.

 

Rey touches Ben’s face and leans over to kiss the side of his mouth. He pulls her closer and kisses her harder, mouth opening against her and tongue pushing into her mouth.

 

Rey feels herself get wet when she tastes him and she puts her hands on his shoulders, pushing him back against the seat so she can throw a leg over and sit in his lap.

 

Ben’s legs are long but they fit okay with the seats pushed up.

 

She wore a dress tonight, a simple green tee shirt dress, but it will make this a little easier.

 

Ben’s hands are surprisingly steady when he grabs her hips and pushes the dress up and off.

 

It’s warm in the car but she shivers, goosebumps blooming on her arms and nipples hardening as Ben looks at her in just her bra and underwear.

 

“You’re so beautiful,” he says. “Wanted you like this for so long Rey, _so_ long.”

 

“How long,” she asks, rolling her hips against his jeans--she can feel him hard underneath her.

 

“Too long, probably. Think the first time I thought about fucking you we were in 7th grade. I used to wake up and watch you sleep.”

 

Rey shivers.

 

“Me too.”

 

“Once,” he whispers, reaching behind her to unhook her bra, “a while ago, before I got sent away, before we ever— did anything,” he lets the straps fall from her shoulders and leans in to kiss her sternum, plush lips pressing against her skin, and then lower, kissing the top of her breast. “I woke up and you were sleeping, and your tank top had ridden all the way up, I could see a little bit of underboob.” Rey blushes and squirms. Ben holds her a little tighter, softly kissing her neck. “I jerked off right in your bed.”

 

Rey makes a sound that’s half gasp and half groan.

 

Ben has the decency to look a little sheepish when he meets her eyes, as if he’s not sure he should have said that.

 

“I did it too,” she tells him. His eyes go wide. “In Europe.”

 

She can feel him twitch under her, and she’s suddenly so impatient to have him _inside_ her.

 

She’s only in her panties and he’s got all his clothes on.

 

She reaches down and unbuttons his jeans. He sucks in a little breath as she undoes them and lifts his hips so she can shimmy them down his legs.

 

She takes his boxers too, everything pooling at his ankles.

 

Rey looks down at him, still so unused to seeing all of Ben. It’s so weird to her that he just has that _monster_ in his pants all the time.

 

She slowly settles back over him and rubs the cotton of her panties against his cock.

 

“You’re so hot,” he whispers. “Right here.” His fingers press against her center. He pulls her underwear to the side and touches her. “Wet, too.”

 

She feels her face heat a little at his words. He hooks his thumbs into the waistband of her panties and pulls them down.

 

Rey lifts and pushes them down so she can step out of them.

 

Ben’s hands never leave her body. He touches her belly button, her nipples.

 

She settles back against him and the both groan at the same time.

 

Ben pulls her closer, his dick right against her folds, sliding up to nudge at her clit and she shivers.

 

He just holds her like that, rocking a little bit, skin on skin.

 

He’s still got his shirt on but she has her hands under it, clinging to him.

 

He strokes her hair and then down her spine.

 

“I love you,” he whispers. “I love you so much.”

 

She kisses him and brings a hand down between them, gripping him.  She guides him where he needs to be, so the fat head of his dick is pushing at her entrance.

 

She bites her lip as he takes over and lifts his hips, pushing into her just an inch.

 

They stop and they’re both breathing so heavily.

 

“Don’t cum inside me,” she tells him. He nods, biting his lip.

 

“Tell me if it hurts okay?”

 

“Promise.”

 

Rey is holding herself up with her hands on Ben’s shoulders and he has one hand on dick to help guide it and one on Rey’s hip to hold her still. She’s shaking a little.

 

Rey sinks down a little more and winces, the stretch is a lot. Ben feels her tense up and stills.

 

Before she can say anything he’s pulling out of her.

 

“No, no, Ben, please don’t stop.”

 

“Shh, I got you,” he says, smiling at her. His fingers come down between her legs and he pushes two inside of in one swift move. Rey arches toward him, a marionette being tugged by the strings. He curls his fingers inside of her and she moans, little grunts falling from her lips in time with his fingers.

 

“I love when you make those sounds,” he tells her.

 

“I love— ah—  when you talk to me.”

 

“I can feel you opening up.”

 

She nods, pressing her face into his neck and panting.

 

“Good,” he whispers, pulling his hand back. “Just like that.”

 

He pushes his cock against her again and this time he slips inside easily.

 

Rey groans into his neck and he strokes her back as he pushes deeper, deeper. She lets her full weight drop down against him and just like that— he’s all the way in.

 

They both gasp and Rey’s head snaps back to look at Ben.

 

She thought it would hurt, but it doesn’t. It feels _odd_ but _so good_ and her breath catches in her throat.

 

Ben looks unreal under her, his skin the color of moonlight, a contrast to both his black tee shirt and the hair falling in his eyes. She looks down to the place where they’re connected and she feels her whole body tense and tighten, clenching around Ben.

 

“Oh,” he says, head falling back. Rey wiggles, shifting her hips in a circle, not willing to lose any of him inside of her yet. “Oh shit.” He leans forward, pulling Rey’s hips, moving her on his lap. “Can’t believe I’m fucking you right now,” he marvels.

 

“You feel so good Ben, wanna stay just like this forever.”

 

He kisses her neck, her jaw, and guides her hips up further so she slides long his length.

 

A rough gasp is pulled from her throat as he pushes all the way up into her again. And again. And again.

 

She doesn’t have to stifle herself here, and she knows Ben doesn’t want her to, so she lets the sounds pour from her as he fucks her harder and harder.

 

There’s a wet, slapping sound coming from between them, and Ben tucks his chin to his chest to look down at where he’s sliding in and out of her.

 

Rey’s pussy is puffy and pink where he’s rawing her.

 

He slides a thumb over her clit, she can see how it’s poking out, swollen and needy. He’s rough, rubbing her frantically as he fucks up into her.

 

“I wanna feel you cum on me,” he begs her. “I can’t hold out that much longer, please Rey.”

 

She’s so close, so right on the edge that she wouldn’t be able to help it anyway. Ben kisses her, presses his forehead to hers and she feels the wave inside of her crest.

 

She’s weightless for a moment, then every muscle in her body bows and tightens. She actually screams, biting down on Ben’s  shoulder.

 

The instant she stops screaming he’s out of her and she gasps at the feeling of being suddenly voided.

 

But a second later she feels him splashing cum between them. On her stomach and his and she presses closer to rub against his dick with her belly as he cums.

 

Ben makes a sound too, not a scream but a groan, the weight of a curse word but shapeless.

 

He slumps back and she follows him, pressing against his body. They try to catch their breath, sticky and sleepy.

 

“I love you,” she says. “I love you so much.”

 

“Forever,” Ben says. “And I promise you as soon I can I am going to fuck you in a real bed,” he traces patterns on the skin of back. “Spread you out and take my time with you.”

 

She shivers against him, wonders if they have time to do it again.

 

But this detour was not speedy, and the last thing they want is for Nana to think they made any pit stops. They agreed to be gone just long enough to convince her they were at the show.

 

So they untangle gently, wiping off and redressing while eyeing each other and smiling, stopping to kiss.

 

They drive back with the windows down, hoping it’s enough to get rid of the lingering smell of sex.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They did it *wipes tear*


	27. August 2013

_ Home, is where I want to be _ __  
_ But I guess I'm already there _ __  
_ I come home, she lifted up her wings _ __  
_ I guess that this must be the place _ __  
_ I can't tell one from the other _ __  
_ I find you, or you find me? _ __  
_ There was a time before we were born _ __  
_ If someone asks, this is where I'll be, where I'll be oh! _ __  
  


_ We drift in and out _ __  
_ Hey oh! Sing into my mouth _ __  
_ Out of all those kinds of people _ __  
_ You got a face with a view _ __  
_ I'm just an animal looking for a home and _ _  
_ __ Share the same space for a minute or two

 

_ This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody) - Kishi Bashi  _

  
  


~~~

 

_ 2013 _

  
  


Ben is swimming— the kind of swimming that looks nearly painful to watch. Rey can’t imagine it feels  _ good _ but someone once said that to her about running, so...

 

Nana is in the kitchen, making tea that smells more like feet than food. 

 

“Hey,” Rey says, looking out at the lake. “Can we talk?”

 

She hasn’t had much one on one time with her grandmother. She hasn’t been allowed one on one time with  _ anyone;  _ it’s been a lot of hanging out a as a  _ group _ . 

 

But she has her Nana alone now and she doesn’t want Ben to hear this. 

 

“Of course,” Nana looks serious and a little startled. She stops what she’s doing completely to focus on Rey. 

 

“I was just wondering if— if Leia had really did talk to someone?”

 

Nana’s eyes go wide and she sighs. 

 

“That’s not what I thought you were going to say,” she says, giving Rey a knowing look.

 

Rey feels her face and chest flush. She doesn’t want to have any other conversation besides this one. She doesn’t even want to have this one. She realizes her grandmother is giving her an in, opening a door. 

 

Rey is  _ not _ walking through it. 

 

“She really lost it and I don’t— I don’t think it’s good for Ben to be around her. I know he doesn’t want to stay if I go back but I—“

 

“Do you want some space from Ben?” The words are gentle but they shake Rey. She takes a step back, looking horrified. 

 

“I can’t think of anything worse. It would kill me to be apart from him but— Nana  _ please _ , I’m scared she’s going to break him in a way I can’t fix.” 

 

Padmé swallows, nods her head and wipes her hands off. 

 

“She started talking to a therapist. She’s not drinking right now. She’s— trying to be introspective. I told her Ben wouldn’t be coming back unless she agreed and she agreed, whole heartedly. She’s putting in the work. I don’t know what it means for Ben or if anything can really fix— you know it’s years of trauma Rey, and I know you think the adults around you have shit figured out but we absolutely don’t, and we are terrified for our children, our  _ grandchildren _ , all the time.” 

 

Rey swallows, throat going tight. It’s weird to have this conversation when it’s really also about something else. 

 

“Well, if it helps,” Rey says, biting her lip. “I never thought any of you had your shit figured out.” 

 

Nana laughs, shaking her head. 

 

“That’s your father all over,” she says to Rey. 

 

It’s not something she hears often, comparisons between her and her dad. She has so many feelings from one fucking conversation.

 

“Listen,” Nana says. “I have something for you.” 

 

She roots around in a drawer and pulls out an envelope, hands it to Rey. It says _American_ _Express_ on the front. 

 

“It’s a credit card, in both of our names. There’s about $2,000 on that. You use it only for emergencies, you understand? Only if you have to,” she shrugs, fumbling for words. “If you feel like the best thing to do is to leave. You  _ and _ Ben.”

 

Her words have such weight that Rey’s hand is shaking when she takes it. 

 

“Thank you,” she says, and Rey almost breaks, almost says  _ help we are stupid and terrified and so in love please don’t let them tear us apart we won’t survive it.  _

 

Instead she wraps her arms around her grandmother and they both cry softly, like they had done for an entire plane ride once, after they buried Padmé’s son, Rey’s father.

 

“Now,” Nana says, breaking away and giving Rey a watery smile, “Why  don’t you call Ben inside for some dinner.” 

 

~~~

 

The last week at Nana’s is equal parts tense and serene. Rey recalls Ben telling her how much he wished they could stay there forever, years ago.

 

Rey thinks Nana might let them if they asked now, but she certainly knows what is going on between her and Ben and Rey is  _ not ready _ to deal with that.

 

Selfishly, she knows they will have more freedom once they get back home. Leia has never been good at  _ seeing  _ them. Although maybe that will change too… which is a good thing… right? 

 

Rey rubs her temples. Next to her on the sofa Ben leans closer. 

 

“You okay?”

 

“Yeah, headache.” 

 

“Stressed about going home?” 

 

“Beyond,” she admits. 

 

“Me too.” 

 

“You kids will be okay, I think it’s important to go back and face things, communicate. Be  _ honest _ .” 

 

Rey’s headache gets louder. 

 

Their flight is early the next morning and she is torn between wanting to hold onto the peace that this summer has brought and wanting to over analyze and prepare both for her immediate reaction to Leia and for what Ben and Rey will have to deal with— starting senior year as a secret couple. 

 

It both thrills her and fills her with dread. 

 

She stays up late enough not to look like she’s moping and the hugs Nana tight and excuses herself. 

 

She hears Ben coming up the stairs a few minutes later, but he doesn’t come into her room, she figures Nana must be right behind him, so she closes her eyes to wait, but she falls fast asleep within minutes. 

 

~~~

 

They Uber from the airport, huddled together in the backseat. Their flight was short and very early, it’s not even 9:00am. Ben puts his arm around Rey and she melts into him, thankful for an hour of silence in the backseat of this car, holding Ben. 

 

She plays with his hair and he kisses her softly. 

 

“Nana gave me— gave us— a credit card.” Ben’s eyes get a little wider. “I wasn’t sure if it was just because she worries about Leia being Leia or… you know.” Ben nods. 

 

“She knows, but I don’t think she’s sure, or maybe she doesn’t want to deal with it. I don’t know.” 

 

“She knows. I think she just wanted me, or us, to tell her. She wanted us to confide. But—“ 

 

“Yeah,  _ no _ . Feels like a trap” 

 

Rey nods, lacing their fingers together. Ben looks up at their driver and then back at Rey. His voice gets lower. 

 

“So, we’re clear on the new rules?” 

 

“No overnights, nothing while anyone is home, or in common spaces. The  _ pool _ too,” she flashed him a look. “School rules?” 

 

“No sitting next to each other at lunch, make sure we make some comment about someone else at least once a week. No  _ staring, _ not in class or out.” Ben blushes because he knows he the worst at that. “I’m working on it.” 

 

“Different electives, the less classes we have together the better,” Rey says. Ben nods. “Would have been fun to do weight training together though,” she says sadly. 

 

“You should do photography anyway, you’re amazing at it.” 

 

“What, are you serious? Having followers on Instagram doesn’t make me a photographer you know.” 

 

“Yes it does. You get like three times as many likes as me.” Rey shrugs, but she enjoys the compliment and Ben can tell, he leans down and whispers in her ear. “You’re so talented, a visionary, the next Annie Leibovitz.”

 

Rey swats at Ben but he catches her wrist and pulls her in for a kiss instead. 

 

She rocks against him, feeling his lips move with purpose across hers, measuring his love out in mouthfuls. 

 

They stop kissing a few miles from home, even though mere proximity cannot be dangerous in this particular case, the tension and fear becomes real, and so they just hold hands instead. 

 

~~~

 

Leia is…. nice. 

 

Overly nice. 

 

She hugs Ben for a really long time, so long that Han makes a face at Rey as if to say  _ see, all better now _ . 

 

Rey isn’t convinced at all, but she can see how maternal affection melts something inside of Ben, his eyes are bright and glowing when she lets him go. 

 

Rey almost hates this more. 

 

Leia hugs Rey too, and she whispers  _ I’m sorry  _ against her ear. Rey just holds a little tighter. She isn’t sure she forgives Leia for anything, certainly not yet. 

 

She was so ready for the worst, she isn’t sure how to handle  _ better _ . 

 

“I’m glad you kids are home, I wish I could stay but I have a meeting in the city. You guys need to go back to school shopping, if I give you the credit card can you manage?” 

 

“Sure,” Ben says, so casual. 

 

Rey is so used to Nana watching them like a hawk, the idea that they’re allowed to just  _ go _ out on their own for however long they want to… 

 

Rey feels a little better about being home. 

 

Han grabs a soda from the fridge and lets them know he’ll be in the garage. 

 

And then both of the adults go their separate ways. 

 

It’s so, so easy, that both Ben and Rey just sort of stare at each other for a minute. 

 

“Well,” Ben says with a little shrug. 

 

“I’m gonna go get changed and then… we’ll go…  _ shopping _ .” 

 

“ _ Shopping _ ,” Ben agrees, trying not to laugh. 

 

Rey snorts and then takes off at a run, carrying her duffel bag up to her room. They drop stuff off and she pulls on clean shorts and a tee shirt. 

 

Then Rey grabs her car keys and the credit card and they leave. 

 

Just the two of them. 

 

It seems a little surreal. 

 

“I wanna fuck you right now,” Ben says, as soon as they’re out of the driveway and on the main road. 

 

“Where?” 

 

“We could park somewhere— if you want.” 

 

“Let’s drive up Conejo Canyon, there’s the burned out house.” 

 

“Perfect.”

 

Conejo Canyon suffered a major wildfire ten years before and a lot of it had never been rebuilt. 

 

They sometimes hiked through the ruins of house, only stone and granite and metal left, the rest overrun by trees and wildlife, growing up through the ruined floorboards.

 

Rey drives fast, whipping them down the highway and up to Conejo Canyon. 

 

They turn off onto a small road and have to skirt a flimsy metal barrier, driving into the rough dirt to make it. They don’t like cars back here, usually you have to park and walk. 

 

They park outside of what was once an impressive home. It’s missing it’s walls now, most of its roof. Just the frame of the house still stands, the stairs, the beams, the kitchen counters. 

 

It’s clean, has been picked over and over and rain has washed away any debris beyond a few beer cans, some cigarette butts, evidence of a party here not long ago. 

 

“We can’t take too long,” she warns him, “we do have to come back with school stuff.” 

 

“Relax it’s like not even 11:00, they don’t care— they’re not Nana.” 

 

Ben is looking at her with dark eyes, backing her into what used to be a kitchen. 

 

“What if hikers come by?” 

 

“We’ll hear them,” he says, but she’s not sure that true. Not sure she cares. 

 

Ben kisses her and everything else melts away. Her heart is beating so fast. 

 

Suddenly his hands are on her and he’s lifting her up. She makes a surprised little sound as he carries her a few feet over and sets her on the kitchen counter. 

 

“Lemme eat you out? Please?”

 

Rey can’t even speak, she just nods.

 

Ben tugs her running shorts and she helps him slide them off, put them to the side along with her underwear. Ben sinks to his knees and tugs her forward to the edge of the counter. Rey has to hold onto the edge of the granite when Ben licks her. 

 

It feels so weird, so good. She inches forward for more. Ben presses his mouth against her, opening his lips so he can cover her pussy completely as he works his tongue inside of her. 

 

He’s making out with her cunt, tonguing her and it feels  _ good _ , strange but warm and soft and tingling.

 

Then he moves his mouth up to her clit and starts to  _ suck _ and she screams, clamping a hand down on her mouth a minute too late. Ben smirks into her pussy, she can feel it. 

 

He uses his fingers too, pushing them inside of her and curling the way she likes, still sucking on her clit. 

 

Rey can’t help it, she whimpers and whines as he works her, slurping and squelching filling the air on this warm summer morning. 

 

She is trying to listen for the sound of footsteps, of voices— she wonders what would happen if someone found them like this— doing this—

 

A bird chirps, the breeze blows flowers down from a tree, Rey grabs into her cousins hair and pulls him closer against her as she starts to cum. 

 

“B-Ben,” she whines. He digs his fingers into her hips and pulls, fucking her hard with his hand. 

 

She screams when she loses it and she feels herself get wetter, flood into his mouth. 

 

She pushes his shoulder and he licks her one last time before pulling away and roughly pushing down his pants. 

 

He jumps up on the counter with her, caging her in under him and she laughs, boneless and happy. 

 

Ben lines himself up and slides into her easily, she’s so wet, probably leaving a puddle beneath them. She shivers at the thought. 

 

He makes a low, rough sound as he bottoms out. 

 

“Perfect,” he whispers, “fucking perfect. You were made for me.” 

 

Rey almost cums again at his words, there’s a weight to then.

 

_ Flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood _ . Born from the same star stuff, the same history. 

 

“Yes,” she says, “just for you.” 

 

Ben starts to fuck her faster and this angle is good, better than riding him. He’s slamming into her and grunting and she holds his face, kissing him as he sweats and shakes above her. 

 

He hikes a knee up and grunts, hitting something even deeper within her. 

 

“Fuck, fuck,” Ben chants, “perfect little pussy, Rey. You take it so good sweetheart, look at you.” 

 

“Ben,” she whines, this is so much, so good. 

 

Ben pulls out of her roughly, sliding up to his knees and jerking off. It only takes a second before he’s cumming on her thigh. He doesn’t even catch his breath, he leans down to lick his own cum off of her leg and Rey’s clit throbs, a second later is mouth is back on her, sucking at her again and that’s all it takes, she cums for a second time, bucking into her cousins mouth. 

 

He collapses over her and pants, kissing her messily. She can taste them both on his mouth and it makes her ready to go again. 

 

But time and biology have put a moratorium on the moment. 

 

They both put their shorts back on, laughing softly, dizzy and dick drunk. 

 

He kisses her lazily on the way back to the car and offers to drive. Rey lets him. 

 

She packs a little bowl of weed and they pass it back and forth as they drive down the canyon, until they hit the highway and hide it. 

 

Then they really do go shopping. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait guys, what a weird week lmao. I just wanna mention because I have gotten a lot of people asking if Leia and Luke had a thing and... no, definitely not. I’m not sure what I said to insinuate that. I think that would make Leia both more aware of the tension between Rey and Ben and also more understanding. 
> 
> She is neither of those things. 
> 
> Hope you liked the chapter! More soon ;)


	28. September 2013

 

_Can't remember when, but it's happened before_

_Saw it all played out through a crack in the door_

_Send me something good for the way that I feel_

_And I'll show you all the things that I've seen_

 

_Today._ _The words don't mean enough for us to say_

_Today._ _To steal the moment that we gave away_

_Today._ _We are the light that travels into space into space_

 

_Today - Zero 7 ft. Jose Gonzalez_

 

_2013_

 

Rey has never thought much about the fact that she doesn’t have many friends. She gets along with a lot of classmates. She and rose have hung out outside of school a handful of times. She texts Poe and Gwen and even Kay sometimes.

 

She texts Finn a lot.

 

Out of everyone, Finn is probably her best friend, besides Ben of course.

 

So it actually feels weird when he asks her about her summer and she realizes she can’t tell him _anything_ about why her summer was great.

 

“Ben and I spent the entire summer with our Nana in the Cascades.”

 

“Wow, was it super boring?”

 

“No, I mean. It was cool. Turns out Nana runs a little weed farm. We actually got to smoke a lot of weed.”

 

“Shut up,” Finn looks thrilled at this. “Go Nana.”

 

“I know right.”

 

“But I mean, did you meet anyone? Get to do any kissing? You just look so… tan and satisfied.”

 

Finn winks at her and Rey sputters.

 

“Oh my god no,” she says him. “I’m as sexually frustrated as ever, trust me.”

 

“Well we will have to fix that this year.” He winks at her.

 

“Wait a second… you and Poe?”

 

Finn shrugs, biting his lip.

 

“Oh my god _spill_ now,” Rey leans in toward Finn’s desk, but just then Mr. Rollins comes in and Finn mouths the word _later_ to her.

 

Rey acquiesces and senior year begins.

 

~~~

 

Senior year is not very different academically from junior year but there is a sense of a _countdown_ of some kind of clock ticking and ticking.

 

Finn dishes to her about Poe and gives her _details_ and Rey so wants to dish as well. It kills her that she can’t.

 

Rey gets on birth control. She drives herself to Planned Parenthood and fills out some paperwork, talks with a doctor, and walks away with one of little seashell looking compacts full of magic pills.

 

She has to hide it from everyone, stashed at the bottom of her bag.

 

She takes track and photo and she runs and runs and runs and runs again.

 

This time she kind of feels like she’s running toward something, something bigger, something better.

 

She can o my hope.

 

~~~

 

They’re all at lunch on a sunny Wednesday, sitting on the green. Rey’s eyes snag on Ben again, the way his tan cords cling to his thighs. His green shirt makes his eyes look amber. He’s laughing at something Mitty just said.

 

“How does he just get bigger and bigger?”

 

The words come from Rose and are directed at Rey.

 

“Who?” Rey asks, to buy herself time.

 

“Ben,” Rose says, as if that’s obvious. “You were just staring at him.”

 

Rey looks at Rose, searching her face. She hasn’t done anything wrong. Not really.

 

Except that they do have a rule specifically for this.

 

Rey tries to look casual.

 

“Has he ever hooked up with a girl?” Rose whispers.

 

Rey shrugs, unsure how to handle that.

 

She can’t tell Rose about her and Ben but she knows about Ben and Kay and… is there anyone else? She doesn’t actually know.

 

“We don’t— we don’t really talk about stuff like that.”

 

Rose gives Rey a _look_.

 

“ _Really?_ Because you guys seem like— _very close_ , you know?”

 

Rey is ready to fling herself into the sun.

 

“I really don’t know, Rose, but you’re welcome to ask him about it. He’s right over there.”

 

Rose at least has the decency to blush.

 

“No, I mean, I doubt he’d want to talk about that kind of stuff _with me_.”

 

“Well you never know,” Rey says, ready for this conversation to be over.

 

“Really?” Rose looks like an interest has been rekindled and Rey wants to kick herself. “Maybe I will. Thanks Rey.”

 

Rey knows there is absolutely no reason for Rose to be thanking her, and the knowledge of what exactly Rose would think of she knew has Rey feeling sick.

 

She doesn’t look at Ben again for the rest of the day.

 

~~~

 

“You’re quiet.”

 

Ben is driving, they’re not in a rush to get home, and Rey can tell he’s waiting to see if she will ask him to go park at the trailhead or behind the horse stables so they can fool around.

 

But Rey keeps replaying Rose’s words in her head and feeling guilty.

 

“Rose freaked me out today.”

 

She sees Ben’s knuckles go white on the steering wheel. He has a hoodie on now, it’s just his pale, veiny hands poking out. She misses his wrists, simply because she can’t see them.

 

“What happened?”

 

“She caught me staring at you,” Rey plays with a frayed edge of her shirt. “Used it as an in to ask me about your sexual history. When I told her I didn’t know she made some comment about us being _so close_ but I don’t know.”

 

Ben nods, swallowing.

 

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” he says. Rey isn’t sure if he’s just trying to calm her down, make her feel better.

 

“Ben,” she says softly.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Besides Kay and me have you ever? You know, with someone else?”

 

Ben looks over at her and then back at the road. He shifts in the driver seat. Rey realizes he’s uncomfortable, stalling.

 

“Wait I was your first, right?”

 

“Yes,” it comes right away. “Yes but uh— okay well. You know I was gone, right? For like… a while…”

 

Rey narrows her eyes, trying to fit his words together.

 

“Someone at boarding school?”

 

“Yeah, he uh— he was my best friend there and we— got close.”

 

Rey smiles slowly, turning her body to face her cousin.

 

“How close?”

 

“We used to jerk each other off.”

 

Rey knew it was coming, but hearing his say it is a thrill.

 

“Did you like it?”

 

“Yes,” Ben looks over at her and he looks so nervous, Rey almost laughs, almost cries because he looks genuinely worried.

 

“Ben, that’s so okay, I— I am really glad you had someone to make things easier and I’m glad it was fun for you.”

 

Ben lets out a slow breath.

 

“I had a camp girlfriend, a few years ago, less uh— jerking off though.”

 

Ben blushes, eyes Rey with a smile.

 

“Honestly I think that’s really hot,” she says to him. “And you can always tell me like— if you think someone is cute. Boys and girls. I—“ she shrugs, “I like that.”

 

Ben looks at her curiously. “Okay,” he says.

 

“Do you and him still talk? Your J-O buddy?”

 

Ben laughs a little but shakes his head.

 

“No uh, he stole from me and that was that.”

 

“What did he take?” Rey asks, vaguely remembering this story.

 

“Well,” Ben blushes again. “Actually it was a picture of us. From Europe, in Greece. You’re in uh— that little bathing suit,” he wipes his neck sheepishly. Rey laughs.

They’re nearly home now, Ben taking the last turns up the canyon road.

 

“So you stopped hooking up with him because he liked  me?!”

 

“No, _of_ _course_ he liked you. I stopped because he invaded my privacy. I had very little privacy and so few belongings it just felt—“ Ben shivers. “Invasive and gross after that.”

 

Rey nods, she gets it.

 

“Before that though, did you like… blow each other too?”

 

Ben pulls into the driveway and parks the car. He turns toward Rey.

 

“Yeah,” he says, letting his gaze linger, looking for a hint of distrust or disgust.

 

“Did you like it?”

 

“Doing it or having it done to me?”

 

“Either? Both?”

 

Ben swallows.

 

“Yes,” he says. “I liked it.”

 

It’s quiet and charged in the car.

 

“Did you think about guys like that before you went away?”

 

“Yes,” Ben shrugs. “Ever since I had a pornhub browser history it’s had a little dose of dick vids too.”

 

Rey laughs, shaking her head. “Are you getting hard telling me about it?”

 

Ben nods slowly. “Yeah, I am.”

 

Rey hums softly.

 

“I know we’re not _really_ supposed to fool around at home but…. Leia did say they wouldn’t be home until dinner.”

 

Ben licks his lips, eyes the house.

 

“Okay,” he says. “Just this once.”

 

~~~

 

Ben still locks the door to his room, the bathroom too.

 

“The house is empty,” Rey reminds him, but he just gives her a look like she’s an idiot so she shrugs.

 

“What do you wanna do?”

 

“I wanna suck your dick,” she says, smiling wide and bright. “I wanna be the best blowjob you’ve ever had.”

 

“You already are,” he says as if that’s ridiculous. “Dude I love you, everything you do is— like so good.”

 

Rey tilts her head, eyes warming. It’s sweet but not what she wants right now.

 

“Did you get rougher with him? With—“

 

“Collin,” Ben says.

 

“With Collin. Did you fuck his face.”

 

Ben is breathing really heavy, he eyes the door again, and then Rey’s face. He nods.

 

“I want you to do that to me. I know you want to, I can tell.”

 

She sort of expects him to argue, but his hands are at his fly instantly and he says, “On your knees,” before Rey can even really process what’s happening.

 

She does as he tells her.

 

She feels weirdly nervous, as if she hasn’t done this before. Ben pushes his pants down and tangles a hand in her hair, pulling her closer. He’s already hard, and his cock rubs against her cheek and lips.

 

“Squeeze my leg if you want me to stop,” he tells her.

 

She doesn’t even have time to answer, he’s lined up and pushing into her mouth and she doesn’t remember him being this hard this fast, he’s so eager.

 

She tries to relax her throat as he starts to pump into her. He’s holding her head— controlling the pace and the thrust. All she can do is take it.

 

He starts slow, pushing in halfway and pulling out, setting a pace, but he picks up speed as he goes, and she can hear him start to pant above her.

 

Rey takes it well, letting him use her as he needs until he slips and slides all the way down her throat, making her gag and retch. He pulls back and she gasps for air, but before she can fully get her breath back he’s back down  her throat.

 

Rey feels herself gush into her panties.

 

His need is palpable as he starts saying her name.

 

“Rey, oh fuck.”

 

She gags again and Ben slows, but when she doesn’t squeeze his leg he speeds again, doesn’t stop fucking her face. She gets control of herself quickly and holds onto him as he thrusts.

 

“M’so close.”

 

Rey just hums, gently plays with Ben’s balls, trails a finger into his crack.

 

He shivers when he comes, hunching over her and Rey gags hard enough that she’s drooling, eyes watering.

 

But she swallows all of him down as he pulls back and then his hands are under her, lifting her, and she’s in the center of his bed.

 

Ben cages her in, kissing her tear streaked cheeks.

 

“Rey,” he whispers. “Thank you. Thank you.”

 

She leans up and kisses him, feeling intense and emotional and vulnerable. He presses his weight into her, nuzzling into her neck.

 

“I love you,” she says, and holy shit _her voice._ It’s so low and gravelly.

 

Ben’s hands are under her shirt, soft against her belly and breasts. He undoes her jeans and slides a hand down into her underwear.

 

“Oh shit,” he says, dipping inside of her. “Did sucking me off make you this wet?”

 

“Yes,” she says, urgent and unashamed.

 

Ben nibbles at her jaw and hums. Rey is so keyed up that Ben’s lazy pace is maddening. He isn’t touching her where she needs it.

 

“Get naked,” he says.

 

Rey scrambles to obey, pulling her shirt and bra off , pushing her jeans down her legs.

 

Ben eyes her as she does so.

 

“So pretty,” he tells her, tugging her back toward him.

 

He takes his time, kissing her chest and her shoulders.

 

“Ben,” she whines.

 

“I know,” he says.

 

Time is still a luxury they don’t really have.

 

He closes in on her again, holding her down and pushing a hand between her legs.

 

Rey sighs as he slips inside of her, filling an aching need.

 

She gasps and he catches her mouth with his.

 

He has two fingers inside of her when he starts to move them.

 

“What was it Rose said? About us being— _very close_ ,” he curls his fingers into her and her legs lick out, head falling back.

 

“Ben!”

 

“Did she say that you shouldn’t stare at your cousin like that? That people might think you want _your cousins_ fingers up your snatch.”

 

Rey is so embarrassed by how turned on she is at his words. It shouldn’t be so erotic, it should be tragic. And yet—

 

“Ben you’re gonna make me cum if you keep saying that.”

 

“What? If I remind you that you just let _your_ _cousin_ face fuck you?”

 

Rey cums, she can’t help it. She tries to hold back but it tumbles over her, making her cry out softly.

 

“Shh,” Ben whispers as she shakes and grunts. “So beautiful.”

 

Rey tries to push him away but Ben shakes his head and starts to move his fingers again.

 

Rey is so on edge from her orgasm that she just whimpers and holds on, apparently set on taking whatever Ben is willing to give her today.

 

One of his hands is between her legs and one is on her face, stroking her cheek as he fucks her with his fingers.

 

Suddenly, a door closes.

 

Ben and Rey freeze, they listen closely and hear footsteps.

 

Ben shoves a hand over Rey’s mouth, his fingers still inside of her pussy.

 

A second later there’s a knock on Ben’s door and the handle rattles, someone is trying to push inside.

 

“Ben, are you in there?” It’s Leia’s voice.

 

“Yeah mom,” Ben says. “Just reading.”

 

How does he sound so calm? Rey is instantly on edge again, close to cumming or crying. Maybe both.

 

“Do you know where Rey is?”

 

“Not sure,” Ben says, smirking down at Rey.

 

He starts to move the fingers inside of her again and Rey’s eyes to wide. His hand is still over her mouth and she starts to huff wildly through her nose, nodding to him to keep going.

 

“Did you check her room?” Ben calls to his mom.

 

He presses his fingers deeper into her, nudging something intense and good inside of her body.

 

“Yes, she’s not in there.”

 

“You know, I bet she’s out for a run.”

 

Leia sighs loudly, clearly annoyed, and Ben’s motions get rougher, skewering her on his fingers hard enough to make her clamp down around him and grunt softly into his palm.

 

He’s watching her so intensely, trying to get her to cum again.

 

“You’re probably right,” Leia says. “That girl and her cardio.”

 

“She does like a good workout.”

 

Rey can’t help it, her second orgasm takes her much like the first— by force.

 

“Okay well, come down when you’re done, I’ll make dinner.”

 

“Sure thing mom,” Ben calls, and then he dips down to kiss Rey as she whimpers silently into his hand.

 

The footsteps in the hall disappear and Rey is shaking when Ben pulls back from her.

 

Suddenly Ben looks sheepish again, blushing.

 

“Oh my god I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I just—“

 

Rey leans back up and kisses him, pulling him down onto her body.

 

“I love you,” she tells him in hushed little words. “I love you so much. I’ve never cum like that before.”

 

“Me either,” he tells her, shaking his head. “Fuck, fucking perfect.”

 

They kiss some more before Rey stands on shaky legs and quietly slips into her room, locking her door with a pounding heart.

 

She changes into running clothes before silently sneaking downstairs and out the back door, running twice around the block before walking back in the front door.

 

Leia just smiles and says, “I hope you like meatloaf.”

 

Ben comes down the stairs freshly showered and smiling a minute later.

 

Rey smiles up at him and says, “Meatloaf sounds just fine.”

 

 

 


	29. October 2013

 

_ Lost _

_ Lost in the heat of it all _

_ Girl you know you're lost _

_ Lost in the thrill of it all _

 

_ Miami, Amsterdam _

_ Tokyo, Spain, lost _

_ Los Angeles, India _

_ Lost on a train, lost _

  
  


_ Lost - Frank Ocean _

  
  


_ 2013 _

  
  


Leia is in the dining room writing on a legal pad when Rey comes in. 

 

“Oh good, you’re here,” Leia says. “I wanted to talk.” 

 

“What’s wrong?” 

 

Leia chuckles softly. “Nothing is wrong, I just feel like you’ve been so busy with senior year we haven’t talked much.” She points at the chair across from her and Rey dutifully sits down. 

 

“Yeah you know, it’s been busy.” Rey feels so guilty, she feels like everything she and Ben have been doing must be clearly written on her face but, in true Leia fashion, she seems too self absorbed to really notice. 

 

“I just wanted to make sure you’re alright, I know how we left things before summer was a bit… contentious.” 

 

Leia sounds so calm, so  _ diplomatic _ . 

 

“Is this an apology?” 

 

Leia doesn’t flinch, she just blinks softly. 

 

“No, not exactly.” 

 

Rey cannot believe this. She tilts her head as her lips form a thin line. “Okay then,” she goes to stand. Leia interrupts her. 

 

“I just want to make sure you’re happy. You and Ben; is— is Ben okay?” 

 

“Why don’t you ask Ben,” Rey says coldly. 

 

Leia looks nervous now, and Rey can see the years beginning to show on her face. She’s only in her forties but new lines have formed around her eyes and her mouth. 

 

“He seems— closed off to me.” 

 

“You want my advice?” Rey says, barely containing the anger inside of her. “Next time, start with an apology.”

 

She doesn’t wait for Leia’s reply, just storms out of the room. 

 

~~~

 

She and Ben are driving for the sake of driving. 

 

It’s nighttime, and the stars are bright on this side of the mountain, where the light from the city is blocked out. 

 

Ben hurtles the car toward the shore. Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange plays from the speakers. 

 

_ Lost lost lost.  _

 

Rey can’t stop thinking about Leia and the way she had sounded— desperate for Ben’s attention and forgiveness. 

 

She doesn’t deserve either, and Rey is stumbling over horrible, irrational thoughts. 

 

If Leia wins Ben back over, would he choose Leia over her? Could she even blame him if he did? Was this thing between them too fucked up to be forever? 

 

She can hear the excuses already, the things he could say to get out of it.

 

_ We can’t get away with it forever, it has to stop sometime. Imagine what they would say, we’ll never be allowed back home.  _

 

Words he said so long ago:  _ We will lose all the family we have.  _

 

Rey starts to cry, so she tucks her head against the window just as they hit the beach, cruising on the two lane road the runs the shoreline. 

 

It takes Ben a minute to notice she’s crying, and when he does he pulls over into the beach parking lot. 

 

It’s empty now. 

 

“Rey, what’s wrong? Tell me,” Ben pleads with her, unbuckling himself so he can lean over her, pet her hair and touch her arms. 

 

“I’m so scared,” she tells him. “Ben I’m so scared that you’re going to decide this isn’t worth it, or that we can do this, or that someone will find us and take you away from me I—”

 

Ben looks horrified, and then his eyes fill with tears. 

 

“You think I wouldn’t choose you?” 

 

Rey hurts, she takes his hand in hers. 

 

“Ben I just, I want you to know that I will choose you, no matter what— what the sacrifice is. I just want you to know how big this thing is for me I,” she takes a shaking breath and lowers her voice further. “I’m in this forever.” 

 

“I’ll marry you,” he says, he’s crying real tears now. “The day you turn eighteen if you want me to. I’ll tattoo your name across my chest like an idiot, I’ll tell you every second of every day if you want me to. Rey— What? Where did this come from?” 

 

Rey shrugs, but she wants to be honest. 

 

“Just Leia I— I see her working now to rebuild this relationship with me and with you and I feel like… it’s such a joke? Right? Because when she finds out, once she knows the truth… it won’t matter.” 

 

Ben smiles, crying softly. 

 

“I choose you,” he tells her, raising her hand to his mouth. 

 

Rey doesn’t think he really gets it, though. Ben has no idea what it’s like to lose a parent, the lengths she would have gone to just to get her father back.

 

She wouldn’t trade Ben, though. She has to trust that he feels the same. 

 

And she does trust him, she does, but also… she  oils never be really sure. So she cries a little harder. 

 

Ben undoes her seatbelt, tugs her toward him as he scrambles into the backseat of the car. 

 

Rey follows him. It’s cramped and dark, but Ben throws open the door and lays down, feet hanging out of the car and the little light going on above them. 

 

Rey wore a dress, knowing full well what tonight had in store for her, so it’s easy to slip her panties off while Ben pulls his cock out. She settles onto his lap, she has to lean down over him. 

 

There’s not a ton of room for leverage but when he slides inside of her the fit is tight and perfect. 

 

Rey sighs as Ben fills her, grunts when he starts to move her. His hands are on her hips and he’s guiding her back and forth. 

 

“God,” he says, squeezing his eyes shut. “I love you so much. So much.” 

 

Rey sobs a little when she leans down to kiss him, and they rock together, tight and full. 

 

After a few minutes Ben moves them, angling back into the car so he can sit up with Rey on his lap, hold her closer. 

 

There’s just enough room like this that he can slide most of the way out before slamming back in, as long as he guides her hips. 

 

He starts fucking her fast, then faster. 

 

“Mine,” he grunts, and Rey has to bite her fist to keep from screaming. “Mine, all mine. Forever. No one is gonna take me from you, fucking swear Rey. No one.” 

 

“Holy shit,” Rey sobs, he’s never fucked her this hard, this fast, she can’t even breath. Ben moves a hand between her legs and starts to play with her clit. The combination of sensations has her cry out again. 

 

“Only me,” he whispers in her ear. Then he laughs softly and says, “Well, only if I’m there.” 

 

The implications of that make Rey’s pussy clench up against his cock and he sighs, stuttering his movements inside her. 

 

Ben hums as if he’s figured something out, and maybe he has. 

 

“Ben,” she sobs, clawing at his shoulders. 

 

“Just keep going, let me show you how much I love you, Rey. Let me show you.” 

 

The fat head of his cock keeps pounding the most sensitive part inside of her and his fingers are relentless against her clit and a deep, heavy sort of pressure is building up inside of her. 

 

Ben picks up speed and Rey has no choice but to grunt and gurgle every time he slams deep into her. She knows she’s close, right on the edge of what might be her biggest orgasm ever, she feels like she’s going to explode, to break apart. 

 

“Ben,” She grunts. He’s watching her so intently, his brown eyes dark and bright all at once, his lips parted, shiny with spit. He’s so focused on her and whatever is happening with her body which is— not— normal—

 

Rey feels the tightening of the band inside of her snap and she screams, biting Ben’s neck hard as she loses control. 

 

For a second, she’s sure she just pissed on him, and even that thought seems so mortifyingly erotic that she cums harder before realizing she’s actually squirting, gushing onto him. 

 

“Yes, fuck yes, gorgeous.” 

 

Rey’s ears are ringing, she’s shaking as she comes down and grasps for him, trying to catch her breath. 

 

He doesn’t stop fucking her, nips softly under her jaw as he jackhammers himself into her. 

 

He cries out when he cums, fingers digging into her thighs so hard she’s sure she will bruise. He blinks away tears when he’s finished. 

 

“I knew I could make you squirt,” he says smugly.

 

Rey just sinks against him, nodding. She’s boneless and tired and feels like she still can’t get close enough to Ben, could never be close enough to Ben unless she could crawl inside him and live in his bones, his blood.

 

He strokes her back and whispers to her, tells her how much he loves her while she slowly comes back to herself. 

 

“Rey,” he whispers to her. “Rey, we’re forever. You and me. Forever.” 

 

And when he says it like that, presses into the sacred space between their bodies, she believes it. 

 

~~~

 

They’re at a Halloween party, somewhere Rey has never been. 

 

She’s got cat ears on, black tights and a black long sleeve shirt that’s barely long enough to cover her ass as a  _ “dress”. _

 

The house is massive, dark and loud. Kids are sprawled out smoking, drinking and making out. 

 

Someone is doing lines on the kitchen counter. She can’t hear anything over the thumping of the music. 

 

The whole crew is here, spread out and finding trouble in every little corner. Poe has Finn up against the wall and is sucking his neck. Finn is too out of it to notice Rey laughing when she passes. 

 

Kaydel is making out with Gwen which only makes Rey a  _ little  _ jealous. She never fully got over her crush on Kay after seeing her on her knees and knowing she might be into girls too has Rey’s brain working overtime. 

 

She remembers what Ben said when they were in the car last week, about letting someone else fuck her. 

 

She shivers. 

 

Rose sees them and runs up, hugging Rey and then taking Ben by the hand. He smiles and shrugs, following her. 

 

Rose winks at Rey. Rey just waves. She lets them wander off and finds the booze, mixing something called Everclear with a Koolaid packet and a splash of sprite. She shivers when she sips it, it’s strong. 

 

Suddenly arms are around her from behind.

 

Finn is smiling at her. 

 

“Well hey,” she yells over the music. “You done sucking face with your boyfriend?” 

 

“Ha ha,” Finn says dryly, grabbing the cup from Rey. He takes a sip and sputters. “Jesus Rey, that’s poison!” 

 

Rey takes the cup and downs more of it. She wants to be fucked up tonight. She smiles at Finn who shakes his head. Poe comes up and kisses Finn, then Rey. 

 

She laughs and pushes him off. 

 

“Where did your other half get off to?” Poe calls over the music, taking some of Rey’s drink also. He smiles in appreciation for the sticky substance. 

 

“Rose stole him away,” Rey says with a shrug. 

 

“God maybe tonight is the night she finally bags him,” Poe says with a laugh. 

 

“Oh god I hope, then she could finally shut up about it.” Finn adds.

 

Rey chugs her drink, stretches her arms out and says, “I am ready to dance!” 

 

So they do. 

 

~~~

 

Rey is drunk,perfect drunk. She’s grinding between Finn and Poe with a beer in her hand. She likes the feeling of being pressed between them, the way they crowd around her. 

 

The music is low and heavy and she loses herself in it, taking a joint when it’s passed to her.

 

“Rey!” 

 

She spins around at the sound of her name. It’s Ben, and he looks very pleased with himself. 

 

“Ben!” she parrots, smiling. 

 

“Look what I got.”

 

In his hand is a bright blue pill.

 

“What is it?” she asks curiously. 

 

“It’s molly. Wanna split it with me?” 

 

He looks so pleased, so excited. 

 

“Fuck yes,” she says. 

 

Ben breaks the pill in half and they pass Rey’s beer back and forth. 

 

“It’s supposed to make you like, really wanna dance I guess,” he says.

 

“Okay,” Rey says happily, since she already feels like she wants to dance. 

 

They dance. 

 

Eventually Rey feels the drugs kick in, her head gets light and she’s a little nauseous, a little dizzy, then just warm and buzzing. 

 

It feels  _ really _ good but not how she thought, she doesn’t  _ want _ to dance exactly but the music  _ feels  _ good, as if it were also inside of her. 

 

She is high, higher than weed makes her, higher even than drinking. She feels like she could float away. Her words slur. 

 

Ben touches her, her arms, her face. She wants to melt into him but he keeps moving away, won’t let her linger. 

 

Then his hand is in hers and he’s pulling her away from the crowd, out into the cold night air. 

 

Rey laughs, it feels so good to be outside. She tips her head up to see the stars. They’re swimming. It’s so pretty she almost cries. 

 

Ben pulls her further away, down the street to where there are about forty cars parked, half tucked into the woods on a dirt clearing. 

 

Rey has no idea where they’re going but walking feels good, laughing feels good. 

 

Suddenly Ben has her presses against the back of a car— her car? No. It’s a red car. Ben is behind her and god he feels good, warm. 

 

“Are you gonna fuck me?” 

 

Her words are a little slurred but she feels the pill more than her drink now, feels like she is one with the entire universe. 

 

“Yeah baby girl, I’m gonna fuck you,” Ben says and she laughs, because he’s never called her that— probably never will again. 

 

“Good,” she says, wiggling her ass to get him to hurry up. 

 

Ben tugs her tights down, then off, spreads her legs enough to get in between her, to nudge his thick dick up against her opening and slide inside. 

 

She gasps as he fills her and Ben uses one hand to hold her down, pressing her tight against the car. She can’t move, doesn’t want to. He pulls back and slams into her and then he does it again, again. 

 

Something in Rey’s mind is telling her this is a bad idea but nothing has ever felt so good. 

 

Ben is grunting and cursing behind her while he fucks her, holding her either down against the car or up by her hips to fuck her harder, faster. 

 

And he does fuck hard and fast, so much so that Rey can’t do anything but take it. 

 

She cums, and then she cums again. He doesn’t stop.

 

She’s whimpering and clawing at the shiny trunk of the car she’s bent over, legs so weak she’s shaking. 

 

She feels herself pee a little for real when he uses his weight to crush against her but she doesn’t even care. It’s all wet and slick and so, so good. She’s drooling. 

 

Ben fucks her harder than he ever has, hard enough that she will probably be limping in the morning and she loves it, loves it so much. 

 

Ben finally cums, filling her up inside in a way that always gives her a headrush. He licks her neck as he does it, grunting her name. 

 

He pulls out gingerly and Rey feels a little bit of cum drip down her leg too. 

 

Ben takes off his shirt and uses it to wipe between her legs, pulling on just his hoodie and stuffing the filthy shirt into Rey’s purse while she laughs. 

 

She clumsily pulls her tights on. 

 

“Fuck that was good,” she says, “like too good, what the fuck.” 

 

“It’s the pill,” he says. 

 

“No way. It’s your dick.” 

 

They both laugh hysterically and Ben rushes Rey, picking her up and kissing her. She has her legs wrapped around his waist as they walk back through the cars, kissing. 

 

He drops her down slaps her ass as they near the party again. 

 

Rey is so blissed out on molly and Ben that she doesn’t even notice Finn watching them, standing quietly off to the side of his car with his eyes as wide as saucers. 

 


	30. November 2013

_Your heart's a mess_

_You won't admit to it_

_It makes no sense_

_But I'm desperate to connect_

_And you, you can't live like this_

 

_Love ain't fair_

_So there you are_

_My love_

 

_Heart’s a Mess - Gotye_

  


_2013_

 

Finn: we need 2 talk

Finn: like now

 

Rey blinks down at her screen. She feels _awful,_ like very awful.

 

She and Ben had ubered back home after their tryst in the woods at his insistence. Mortified, Rey remembers wanting to go back to to the party, still kissing Ben.

 

She groans and covers her face.

 

She picks her phone up and texts Ben before Finn.

 

Rey: no more drinking til we live far away

Ben: agreed

Ben: not that I didn’t have fun but honestly wtf were we thinking

Rey: I don’t even know I’m so sorry

Ben: it’s okay nothing bad happened we got lucky

 

Rey’s stomach flips as she goes back to Finn’s text.

 

Rey: about?? Did Poe do something shady?

Finn: not about Poe kiddo

Finn: about you

 

A few seconds pass.

 

Finn: and Ben

 

Rey drops her phone. She presses a hand to her mouth, tries not to be sick.

 

She’s shaking when she picks the phone back up. She isn’t going to play dumb here.

 

Rey: who saw us ??

 

She waits two whole minutes for a reply, pacing back and forth, debating running into Ben’s room.

 

Finn: just me

Finn: which is very lucky but also

Finn: what the fuck Rey

 

Rey presses her hand to her heart, trying to calm the rising wave of panic.

 

Only Finn saw. No one else. Not that they know of… fucking fuck.

 

Rey: I can explain. It’s not what you think.

Finn: really? Cuz what I think is actually rly fucked up

Rey: please trust me Finn, you’re my best friend please just let me come talk to you.

Finn: Okay ya come over no one’s here

Rey: ok give me an hour I smell like hell I don’t wanna subject u to the horror

Finn: I appreciate it

 

Rey’s attempts at humor fall flat and she quietly locks herself into the bathroom and turns the shower on full blast.

 

She doesn’t cry loudly because she isn’t sure she’s going to tell Ben yet.

 

She is definitely _going_ to tell Ben just… after she talks to Finn. After she knows what to expect and what… what he’s going to do.

 

_It’s Finn. He loves you. He does._

 

Rey showers fast, trying to calm her heart without any luck.

 

She gets out and goes to change. She can’t look at Ben yet, so she texts instead.

 

Rey: going for quick run

Ben: you’re nuts

Ben: come in here instead I’ll rub your back

 

Rey wants that so badly, but she can’t.

 

Rey: after. pls? I feel so bad rn need to run.

Ben: it’s ok. love u, c u soon

 

Rey throws on running clothes since it’s half of what she owns anyway and darts out of the house.

 

She runs to Finn’s. It helps the anxiety. She gets there half an hour later and catches her breath outside before ringing the doorbell.

 

Finn answers a second later, he’s been waiting for her.

 

“Hi,” she says softly, eyes already filling with tears.

 

Finn pulls her into the house, he looks mad. She wants to throw up or die.

 

“Did he drug you? Has he been like… trying to get with you forever and finally got his chance?”

 

Rey is so surprised by the _laughable_ idea of Ben forcing her that she just blinks stupidly at Finn.

 

“What?” she finally spits the word out.

 

“Ben. Did he make you— do that with him.”

 

Rey shakes her head, sinking down onto the couch.

 

“Who else is here?” she says.

 

“No one, I told you—“

 

“Ben has never forced me to do anything, Finn.”

 

Finn relaxes a bit, he takes a deep breath and sits down next to Rey.

 

“Okay so… you’re just... like… fucking him? For real?”

 

Rey winces and nods .

 

“He’s your _cousin_ , Rey. We all think of you as fucking twins, you have the same parents!”

 

“Those are _not_ my parents,” Rey says in a tone that leaves no room for argument.

 

Finn nods, scratches his head. “Okay but you see my point? Right?”

 

“Of course I do, Finn. Why do you think we keep it a secret.”

 

“How long?”

 

Rey shrugs, and starts to cry for real.

 

“Always,” she can’t look at Finn, doesn’t want to see the look of disgust on his face. “Fucking always dude, I always loved him.”

 

“Hey,” Finn says, moving closer to her. “I didn’t— I didn’t know it was like that.”

 

“I wanted to tell you, actually. It killed me that I couldn’t. Stupid.”

 

“No,” Finn puts his arm around Rey. “No I just— I wanted to make sure he wasn’t hurting you I didn’t know if it was just a drugs thing I just— you hide it _so_ well, I don’t know how you do that.”

 

“Years of practice,” Rey says, leaning into Finn.

 

“When did you start uh— hooking up?”

 

“Once, right before he got sent away. He told me we couldn’t do it anymore and we got in a huge fight and—“

 

“You were here,” Finn says, “I remember that day. Right before he got sent away.”

 

Rey nods.

 

“And then you know we tried— to not. And we were good, but this summer we…” Rey trails off, shrugging.

 

“I can’t believe you lost your virginity to your cousin.”

 

It isn’t mean, the way he says it, it’s teasing enough that Rey looks at him. Finn’s eyes are warm, he’s holding her close.

 

“I know it’s weird, Finn, but we’re gonna get married. It’s not illegal here you know. We’re gonna run away and go somewhere nobody knows us and have a real life just— we just gotta get out of here first.”

 

“Listen, I’m not going to tell anyone. It’s not my place to out you, especially when you kept my secret for so long. But you have _got to be careful_ Rey, shit. That was so stupid. It could have been Rose who saw you.”

 

Rey snorts. “Can you imagine?!” Finn starts laughing too.

 

“Oh god it shouldn’t be this funny,” he says, wiping his eyes.

 

Rey sighs, she feels better, but still shaken.

 

“I’m sorry you had to find out like that. I would have told you eventually, you know. Probably way later. Like five years from now.”

 

Finn chuckles and shakes his head.

 

“I mean— Ben is like, stupid hot. I do not blame you.”

 

“Oh my god, right?! I never get to talk about it!”

 

“Well, now you have me. Gush away.”

 

Rey totally does.

 

~~~

 

Rey does tell Ben about Finn. The rules change.

 

No more anything in the house, no matter what.

 

Rey agrees wholeheartedly.

 

~~~

 

Ben turns eighteen a week later. They have a small dinner at the house. It’s quiet and sweet.

 

Rey and Ben have plans to go hiking with Finn and Poe for Ben’s birthday.

 

Finn helped Rey arrange everything which means a romantic trip for Poe and Finn and Finn covering for Rey and Ben if Leia asks.

 

Ben admits having someone in the know is _sort of_ helpful.

 

When Ben and Rey leave on Friday night to go _camping_ they actually drive out to the middle of bumfuck nowhere and Ben gets them a motel room.

 

Because he can. Because he’s eighteen.

 

Rey waits by the car, near the stairs at the back. Ben comes to meet her once he has the key and they climb up to the second floor of the Motel 6.

 

The room is nicer than Rey thought it would be. Wood floors instead of shitty carpet. Two big beds, as if one wasn’t enough.

 

Maybe it won’t be. They’ve _never_ fucked in a bed before.

 

Ben drops their bags and they look at the beds.

 

“Holy shit,” he says. “We have two days to fuck.”

 

“Happy birthday,” Rey says.

 

“Happy fucking birthday to me indeed. What should we even do?”

 

“Since we are in no rush, I’m going to shower,” Rey says. She kisses Ben quickly on the lips, he pulls her back and deepens the kiss, whining when she pulls away. “Ten minutes. Please?”

 

Ben flops down on the bed, dejected but acquiescing.

 

Rey goes into the little bathroom and turns the water on, pulling her hair up into a bun to keep it dry.

 

She knows Ben doesn’t really care about her legs being shaved, or other parts being shaved, since he’s never said anything. But she wants to do something special.

 

She shaves everything. She waited to do it until now so it would be smooth for longer, she knows it’s going to itch when it starts to grow back.

 

But now she looks…. shiny. Pink and wet and slick. It’s hot. Ben is definitely going to flip.

 

Her phone dings.

 

Finn: have fun on ur sex vacation

 

Rey snorts

 

Rey: you too boo :3

 

Finn: <3

 

Rey sighs, looks over herself in the mirror, and then pulls on the silky black teddy she bought just for this.

 

It’s more sexy than anything Rey has ever owned, it’s a little sheer and just barely covers her butt.

 

She brushes her hair out so it falls over her shoulders in waves. She puts on mascara and a little lip gloss.

 

She takes a deep breath and heads back into the motel room.

 

She hears moaning, and a slick slapping noise.

 

Ben is watching porn, and he’s jerking off while he does.

 

“Oh,” she says. She knows Ben well enough to know that the surprise on her face when she catches him is more of a turn on than whatever is happening in the video. “Wow Ben, I can't believe you’re jerking off right now. Couldn’t even wait for me?”

 

“Sorry,” he says, but he doesn’t sound sorry. “I was so hard, I couldn’t help it.” Rey swallows. They never have time to _play_ like this. It’s always rushed, do or die, no time to even get undressed. “You look fucking amazing.”

 

Ben is still playing with his dick, the woman on his laptop is moaning.

 

“Can I see what you’re watching?”

 

Ben nods and Rey climbs into bed with him.

 

It’s a girl on her knees, the guy behind her is fucking her fast enough that she looks like she’s in pain.

 

Rey presses up against Ben, he puts and arm around her, starts to rub her back. He still has his dick in his hand.

 

“I wanna see what else you like,” she tells him. Rey uses her hand to push his away. She could have gone for his dick, but she goes for the laptop instead, pulling up his browser history.

 

“Rey,” he says, shifting, but she shushes him.

 

“I know you want me to see it,” she tells him, and she hears the hand on his cock speed up. “Don’t cum,” she warns him, and he slows down.

 

She clicks the drop down menu.

 

_two guys one girl_

_wife fucked by husbands brother_

_brother fucks sister while mom is home_

_girl cum from anal_

_gay for pay casting_

_gagging on cock_

 

She hums softly, mouse hovering.

 

She clicks one, search results pop up.

 

_brother fucks sister while mom is home_

_mom catches kids fucking_

_brother tells sister to be quiet while fucking_

_best bro/sis vids around 1000_

 

Ben’s hand has stilled, he’s just watching her.

 

“Is this too fucked up?” he whispers.

 

“Are you embarrassed?”

 

Ben nods, swallowing. “Yeah I— I’m kind of gross.”

 

“You are gross,” Rey says, and she clicks _brother tells sister to be quiet while fucking._ Ben starts to jerk off again next to her, breathing heavily.

 

“Yeah,” he says, and he sounds breathy and excited.

 

The video starts.

 

_A girl is asleep in bed. Someone opens the door, a man comes in and slides into bed behind her, gently touching her. She doesn’t wake yet, just scrunches her face. He starts to play with her tits, she stays sound asleep._

 

_She doesn’t open her eyes until his hand is down her pants. Then they go wide._

 

_“Jonny no, we can’t! What if mom catches us?”_

 

Maybe it’s something about turning your trauma into a fetish or maybe it would have been this way but Rey feels herself her wet at the words, cheesy as they are.

 

_“Then you’ll just have to be quiet, won’t you?” The girl nods as her brother starts to finger her. He’s fucking her with his hand, fast and rough. She has to bite her hand to keep from crying out._

 

Rey squirms. She slips a hand up under her slip.

 

“Do you like this?” Ben asks her.

 

“Yeah.”

 

She pushes her teddy up enough that Ben can watch her play with herself.

 

_On screen, the guy pushes into the girl from behind, holding her tight against him. He starts to fuck her hard, she can’t keep her moans in. She’s squeaking and screaming._

 

_“We’re gonna be in so much trouble,” he warns her. “They’re gonna find us and you’re gonna get grounded.”_

 

Rey pushes fingers inside of herself, turning to look at Ben. Thinking about how he had covered her mouth while Leia called to him through the door.

 

“She’s gonna get them caught,” Rey says. “Am I that loud?”

 

“Louder,” he says. “Do you worry about everyone finding out? That you’re fucking your cousin?”

 

“Yes,” she says. “If they knew I let you raw me… they think of as siblings, you know. Same house, same parents.”

 

The video is forgotten, just the wet sounds of sex and moaning carry over and Ben presses his forehead to Rey’s and jerks off faster.

 

“Imagine if they knew you let me cum inside you. That what you’re really thinking about when you’re daydreaming is gagging on your my dick.”

 

“They’d make fun of me, they’d call me a slut— unable to help myself. So desperate for my cousins big dick.”

 

“Rey,” Ben grunts and she knows he’s gonna cum.

 

“They’ll all know I’m a whore for you, spreading my legs for my cousin every night after mommy is asleep.”

 

Ben cums, he leans against Rey and makes a noise she’s never heard him make. He cums hard, and longer than normal too. Rey follows him, swiping over her clit as she watches him gasp and twitch. He kisses her as she whines.

 

They both pant, covered in cum. Ben pauses the video.

 

They’re so used to rushing back right after sex that the idea of snuggling is— a little odd.

 

Ben pulls Rey toward him, tucks her body against his.

 

“Your pussy looks so cute like that,” he whispers. “I can’t wait to play with it.” Rey shivers at the words.

 

But Ben isn’t lying, he really can’t wait. His fingers dip down into her and start to push inside. He works her open on his hand, until she’s wet and glistening and Ben’s dick is hard again.

 

“On your hands and knees, hold the headboard if you need to.”

 

Rey does as she’s told, and Ben flips the teddy up to see her ass. He touches her butthole, rubbing it and making her hips jerk.

 

“Not tonight,” he tells her. “But soon.” He kisses her there and she squeals.

 

Then he’s lining up behind her.

 

“If you say _stop_ I’ll stop, okay?”

 

Rey nods, and just like that Ben is inside of her. She goes from empty to full so fast it’s a little dizzying, then she’s empty again, then slammed back to full.

 

She does have to hold the headboard. Ben fucks her so hard she starts to cry, but she doesn’t tell him to stop.

 

It feels so good.

 

He plays with her clit as he pounds into her and coaxes two little orgasms from her like that, just stretching her pussy and flicking over her clit.

 

“So pretty, look at you. I fucking love you.”

 

“I— love— you—“ she grunts. Ben laughs and fucks her harder.

 

“I’m gonna bruise you,” he says. “Good thing it’s almost winter. I’m gonna fuck those little thighs up.”

 

Rey moans. She throws her head back as he fucks her again, and again and again.

 

~~~

 

Later, she rides him.

 

Later, he lays on top of her and grunts into her neck while he fucks her.

 

Later, they mouth at each other’s genitals at the same time, licking and sucking until they cum.

 

~~~

 

Rey wakes to watery light. Ben is behind her, naked, curled against her.

 

“I’m starving,” he says, as soon as she opens her eyes. He’s been waiting for her to wake up.

 

“No room service at the Motel 6?”

 

“Nope,” Ben says and he rolls on top of her, kissing her. “I love waking up with you. It’s always been my favorite thing in the world. Waking up while you’re sleeping next to me.”

 

“Me too,” she says. “I love you so much.”

 

He enters her again and she winces, she’s so sore.

 

“Sorry,” he says, and his thumb strokes her collarbone, his lips graze her ear. “I’ll go slow.”

 

She nods, and he does. He fucks her slowly, seating himself fully every single time.

 

The pain is good, it’s satisfying, and he looks so beautiful like this, his eyes dark and his lips wet. He shakes a little as he holds himself over her, as if he is in awe of her.

 

“You’re so pretty,” he tells her, kissing her neck.

 

He doesn’t touch her clit until he’s close, and when he does she cums right away, like he must have known she would.

 

She kisses him when he cums right after her, tears in his eyes as he ruts against her.

 

“I love you,” she tells him, “I love you.”

 

~~~

 

Ben orders pizza. They eat naked in the bed they’re not sleeping in, because of the crumbs.

 

“You know I was thinking,” Ben says, wiping pizza grease off his chin. “Maybe like, if we really get away with this for the rest of the year, like pull it off don’t get caught again— just do this sort of thing on weekends— maybe we don’t have to tell them for like, a long time.”

 

Rey’s stomach drops. She puts her pizza down.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Just that like, say we graduate and go off to college far away, right? Both say we don’t have a significant other for a few years, come home for Christmas only, maybe like five years down the road if we explain everything and we’ve been gone for a while, it won’t be such a big deal?”

 

Rey swallows. She doesn’t like this. This is hope for normality, hope for Leia’s love.

 

“She will never be okay with this,” Rey says firmly. “I don’t know why you think she would. She will hate us, both of us, you know that.”

 

Ben blinks, looks down at his hands. Rey _hates_ that she has to be the one to say it, _hates_ that she has to crush his hope. He looks so sad.

 

“Hey,” she says softly. “I mean we aren’t going to _tell her_ obviously but I mean… maybe…” she shrugs. _Maybe you’re right_ is a lie and she doesn’t like lying to Ben.

 

She pulls him closer to her, so he’s laying down with his head in her lap.

 

She plays with his hair until he settles, hand spanning her calf. SNL reruns play on the motel tv.

 

She wants to just enjoy the moments they do get, the freedom of eating pizza naked and touching each other and exploring.

 

She doesn’t want to think about the future just yet.

 

She doesn’t want to think about it at all.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow that was a lot of porn lmao. I had a rly rough week guys but your comments and support make it a lot better. I’m way behind on everything as I took a full week off to be with my family in this time of loss, so I might be slower to update this week if I pick up extra work. If you’re interested in tipping me pls see my [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/violethoure666), it goes a rly long way. 
> 
> Love you guys 💕


	31. December 2013

 

_ All out of my secrets _

_ All my enemies are turning into my teachers. _

_ Because, lights blinding, no way dividing what's yours or mine when everything's shining _

_ Your darkness is shining  _

_ My darkness is shining _

 

_ Truth - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros _

  
  
  


2013

 

Winter comes fast and hard, coating the world in ice and a thick layer of snow as soon as December hits. 

 

Ben and Rey are forced to slow things way down in the bedroom, but Rey feels less desperation around the whole thing. She doesn’t mind the little touches, hands on hands, a stolen kiss. 

 

It’s good. They’re good. 

 

Things  _ are  _ good. All quiet on the Solo front. 

 

***

 

Nana Paddy comes for Christmas. Rey and Ben have a meeting before hand. 

 

“We’re not telling her,” he says. 

 

“I agree, it’s too complicated. And I can’t be sure she won’t want us to all sit down and like— intervention us. I can't handle it Ben.” 

 

“I know. We are just going to be really mellow when she’s here, no touching, do different things. Okay?” 

 

“Yes, I think if we play it really cool she might let it go.” 

 

It’s kind of a pipe dream, but at least they’re on the same page. 

 

When Nana comes it’s business as usual. They make cookies, some with weed butter, some without. Leia doesn’t notice which Rey finds hilarious. 

 

They even make a point to do separate things. Rey goes with Rose to the mall. Ben goes over play video games with Hux. Rey and Finn see the new movie while Ben claims he’s too tired. 

 

All the while, Nana watches. 

 

***

 

Leia surprises them. Rather, she surprised Ben, which in itself surprises Rey. 

 

“I thought we could have a day just the two of us,” she tells him. 

 

Ben’s eyes light up. Rey can  _ feel  _ the desire for her affection rolling off of him in waves. It makes her want to shake him. 

 

“Oh, yeah sure,” he says with a shrug. 

 

He towers over his mother now, and Rey remembers that first winter, when they went skiing. How Leia just picked a screaming Ben up and carried him away. The idea is laughable now. 

 

“Great. Why don’t you and I go into the city to do some shopping, and Rey can spend some time with Nana.” 

 

“Yeah, you wanna go now? I’ll go get ready?” Ben is already standing and Rey sort of wants to cry. 

 

She spent so long wishing Leia would just  _ be nice to him _ and now she thinks this is worse. 

 

What’s wrong with her? She’s being selfish. Ben can love his mom and love her too… right?

 

Except that’s not really it. It’s that she knows that Leia’s love is conditional, and that the conditions under which her love is given have already been secretly and irreparably destroyed.

 

***

 

When Ben and Leia leave, Rey finds Nana on the back porch, looking out st the covered pool and the snowy woods. She’s smoking a joint which she passes to Rey without words. 

 

Rey takes a slow drag, brining the smoke into her lungs and exhaling it along with the warm vapor from her body, making bigger clouds than she would otherwise.

 

“I’m glad Leia is spending some time with Ben,” Nana says. Rey nods, lips tight. “Aren’t you?” 

 

“I don’t know,” she says honestly. “I don’t trust her.” 

 

“What don’t you trust?” Padmé says softly. 

 

“That she will love Ben as he is. For who he is. She— she has these ideas about us and we never fit that mold and when we didn’t we just— didn’t matter as much.” 

 

Nana doesn’t diminish her words by disagreeing, she just listens. 

 

“You don’t think she will love Ben once she knows the truth?” 

 

Rey turns her head and looks at her grandmother. She is still so beautiful, looks so much like her daughter it’s wild. Looks like Ben too.

 

Rey knows what they’re actually talking about. She and Ben haven’t fooled Nana at all. 

 

“Yes,” Rey says. 

 

“Rey, Listen—“ 

 

“Please,” Rey says, and she starts to cry. She blinks away the tears and shakes her head. “I can’t. Please don’t.” 

 

“I just want to talk,” Padmé says. 

 

Rey is crying now, hot, silent tears. She has her arms crossed. The air is so cold on he wet face. 

 

“I’m the only one who ever really loved him.” She chokes out.  “I’m the only one who  _ really _ does. She’s going to break him, if she gives her love back and takes it away again and— I hate her for it.” 

 

Nana Paddy comes over to Rey and wraps her in her arms, holding her close. Rey sobs, clutching her grandmother. 

 

“Rey,” she whispers. “Just tell me.” 

 

“I can’t,” Rey says. “I promised and it’s— it’s not about me. Not just me. Nana please, he acts so tough but he’s not. It would break him. She can't— she can't know anything. I have to get him out first.” 

 

Nana strokes her hair, pulls back slowly. She’s crying too. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Rey says. 

 

“Me too,” Nana says sadly, and it breaks Rey all over again because none of this is fair. 

 

Either Rey and Ben live their entire lives in secret, far away, hiding a lie… or they lose Leia, probably Han. And Rey will have to watch Ben shatter. 

 

Eventually, Ben will shatter. 

 

There is no way for her to stop it now. 

 

Not without…

 

Rey cries harder and her grandmother holds her. 

 

***

 

Christmas Day comes and there is something both magical and dark about it. 

 

Han looks delighted. He is so happy to see Leia doting on Ben. 

 

And dote on Ben she does. It’s always “Benjamin, come sit by me,” or it’s, “Ben come and taste this, I know you’ll love it,” and “oh come help me with this, I need your thoughts.” 

 

Ben eats it up like a cat in cream.

 

Rey has to wonder if it’s really worth it for him, being with her. If this is really what he wants. 

 

She can’t seem to let the thought go. Not as they open gifts and not as they watch old Christmas movies and bake a ham and toast champagne. 

 

How could Rey ever claim to love him if she didn’t give him one last out? She can see him battling in his mind and she knows what she has to do. 

 

She won’t approach him with anger or with ultimatums. She will come at him with only love, and tell him that if it’s not worth it, if being with her isn’t worth it, she understands. They can figure something else out for the fall, don’t need to go together, she will go to community college far away. 

 

She has to at least pretend she’s okay with it, she has to. 

 

Because she knows now that’s what real love looks like. Loving someone even when they don’t meet the expectations you set for them. 

 

She will love selflessly, she will love Ben anyway, even if it’s distantly and quietly. 

 

She will be better than Leia. 

  
  


***

 

She confronts him the next day, asking him to run with her in the morning. 

 

He agrees happily, and they dress in layers for their run. 

 

They break away from the road and into the woods and once they’re deep Ben stops running, picks Rey up and kisses her. 

 

The snow is falling softly around them, the woods are bare except for the white that covers everything. 

 

Rey kisses Ben, hard and desperate and then she’s crying. 

 

“What? What’s wrong?” He looks panicked, setting her down and touching her all over as if he could find the spot that’s tender and touch it away. 

 

“Ben I— we need to talk.” 

 

Ben’s pale face goes paler, close to green. He stands straighter, his face twisting into despair. 

 

“Are you leaving me?” he spits the words out. 

 

“Never,” she says, simple and honest. “Only the grave will take me from you.”

 

Ben relaxes, then looks worried again. 

 

“Then what is it?” 

 

“Leia. I see— I see her with you and I see you and— Ben…” Rey is crying again. “You know she’s going to fucking  _ hate _ us right?” 

 

“Rey we— we don’t  _ know— _ maybe.” 

 

“I won’t ask you to pick me. I won’t do that, Ben, I never would. And I— I will love you without anger forever even if— if this isn’t what you want.” 

 

“What?!” 

 

“Listen to me,” Rey puts her hands on his chest. “Do you want to live a lie forever? Because I don’t— we can’t. It’s stupid to think we could. Ben, I want a house with you. I want to marry you. I can’t— we can’t hide an entire life and I  _ know  _ she will wash her hands of us. I know it. And I want you to tell me you’re okay with that. I want you to tell me that it’s worth it, and if it’s not… then I think we should talk about that.” 

 

“I pick you,” Ben says, “how can you even ask me that?” 

 

He has tears in his eyes, Rey leans in and kisses him. He kisses her back, but his body is stiff. 

 

“I pick  _ you _ , always,” she says. “But it’s complicated and I know that. I know what it’s like to lose a parent,  _ parents _ , I know how profound the desire to get them back is. Ben I pick you, but please— baby  _ please _ ,” she begs him. “Understand me.” 

 

Ben takes a shaking breath. 

 

“I do I just— I think  _ maybe _ she is changing. I know it sounds crazy but I want— I want to give her the benefit of the doubt.” Rey closes her eyes and cries. “But Rey— If it comes down to it— _ I pick you _ . Every time. Please, look at me.” She does, turns her face to his. “I love you more than anything and anyone. I promise you. Nothing will change that.” 

 

The relief that surges through her is enough to make her dizzy. She sobs and slumps against Ben, who holds her. 

 

The snow falls, and they both cry. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lag. Ending stories is hard! I have also been trying to balance more IRL stuff but oh boy I’m glad to be back on this. We’re closing in on the end kids. Who’s ready ;)


	32. Feb-March 2014

_ The wandering eye that I have caught _

_ Is as hot as a wandering sun _

_ But I will want for nothing more _

_ In my garden: start _ _  again _

_ In my hardening to every heart but one _

 

_ 81 - Joanna Newsom  _

  
  


2014

  
  


Rey turns eighteen and Ben has a surprise for her. 

 

She thinks maybe it’s another hotel, a nicer one perhaps? He’s driving her way, way out of town. 

 

But she didn’t pack an overnight bag and neither did Ben, so she really has no idea. It’s finally warm out and she’s in a sundress Ben had mentioned he adores. It’s moss green with a yellow and red floral pattern and it falls just below her ass. 

 

Bens in dark jeans and a plain black tee shirt which is a step up from running shorts, for him. 

 

He pulls into the back parking lot of a row of restaurants. 

 

“Food?” Rey says hopefully. 

 

“There will be food, yes, but I— this might be so stupid, I don’t know, I just thought. I wanted to take you out for your birthday. Like on a date. I figured no one knows us here so…” 

 

Rey’s eyes immediately fill with tears. She leans over the center console to pull Ben in for a kiss. 

 

“You’re taking me on our first date?” 

 

“Yes,” he says with a little laugh. 

 

“Oh my god I love you,” her words are swallowed by a laugh-cry. 

 

They get out of the car and Rey is practically skipping alongside Ben. He takes her hand and then, before they can go inside, he pulls her in for a kiss. 

 

Rey’s heart is absolutely hammering, she cannot believer is kissing her like this, in public. She can’t help the tears that fall. She’s overwhelmed in the best way. 

 

People pass them, no one even looks twice. 

 

Rey cannot trump down her fear completely, but the joy she feels is almost enough to wash it away. Almost. 

 

Ben open the door for her, leads her with a hand on her back. Little things he cannot get away with normally. It’s all weirdly emotional for Rey. 

 

They sit down. 

 

The place is nice, dimly lit and there are candles on the tables, soft string music playing. 

 

“This is so pretty,” she says, voice cracking a little. 

 

Ben is smiling at her, he has such  _ dimples _ when he smiles with his whole face. His eyes scrunch up so perfectly. 

 

She reaches for his hand, and he takes it, going further and kissing her over the table. 

 

Her heart is on fire. She can’t remember feeling this exhilarated ever. 

 

She bites her lip as she scans the menu and ends up ordering risotto, Ben gets chicken parmesan. 

 

They hold hands until food comes, and then Rey thinks she would take holding his hand in this room full of people over even the most delicious risotto. 

 

They walk around after dinner, poking into little shops, holding hands. She’s a little too nervous to do much more kissing, can’t be sure that someone won’t recognize them, even this far out. But it still feels good to just be with Ben. To just be together. 

 

It’s the best birthday present she’s ever gotten. 

  
  


***

 

Rey doesn't really mind that she and Ben aren't able to fool around as much. 

 

They still go and park for an hour after school a few times a week, shoving hands down pants and putting mouths on skin. 

 

It is enough, easy even, to keep it all out of the house. 

 

Until it isn’t. 

 

Rey is sleeping, or mostly sleeping, halfway dreaming even— she can almost feel Ben behind her, pressing against her— 

 

She opens her eyes slowly and no, this isn’t a dream. 

 

“Ben,” she says softly, and he pulls her closer. He’s hard, and he’s naked, she can feel him nudging her pajamas. 

 

“Need you,” he whispers, and Rey leans over her shoulder to kiss him. 

 

They should  _ not _ be doing this in the house. They’ve been so good, so careful— but Ben is  _ here  _ and he’s hard and rubbing against her kind of desperately. 

 

Rey kicks her pajama pants off and Ben is lining up behind her, the crown of his cock pressing against her and then slowly pushing inside of her. He slides an arm under her to pull her back against his chest and covers her mouth with his hand. 

 

“Gotta stay quiet,” he whispers. “Can’t let anyone know I’m in here, touching you like this.” 

 

He’s stretching her, didn’t take the time to warm her up and she loves it, he knows exactly the angle he needs to slide in without hurting her, and he does. 

 

He doesn’t even really fuck her, just rocks against her, buried deep, and starts to play with her clit. Rey is facing her bedroom door and her eyes are on the knob. She has no idea if Ben locked it. 

 

“I was touching myself while you were sleeping,” he confesses, “I’m already close to cumming, you feel so good on my dick.” Rey clenches around him as he touches her clit, pulling at it. “Had to have you right now, just stay quiet for me for a little longer.” 

 

Ben is ruthless with his fingers and she’s wet now but she wasn’t when he entered her and the burn from the stretch is kicking her into high gear. She starts to orgasm, pussy clenching and unclenching rhythmically, milking Ben. He gasps and bites her neck softly as he spills inside of her. 

 

“Fuck,” he whispers, thrusting and pumping as he cums. It’s loud, the wet slapping, and Rey looks at the door, her heart thundering in her chest. 

 

Rey almost cries out but Ben covers her mouth roughly and she pants against his massive hand instead. 

 

They come down quickly and quietly. 

 

Rey catches her breath as Ben tenderly pulls out of her and kisses her spine. 

 

“Sorry,” he says. “I know we said we wouldn’t but...” 

 

She isn’t even mad, how could she be, she tugs him over for a kiss. 

 

“Just this once,” she says, and he nods. She can see him now that she’s facing him and he’s so beautiful, hair damp with sweat, cheeks flush in the low light. 

 

“I know, I’m going,” he kisses her again, smiling and disappears into his room. 

  
  


***

 

Ben and Rey cast a wide net in terms of college applications. They needed to both be accepted to the same place. 

 

Ben wants to swim, which makes it doubly difficult. Rey had been worried he might get scouted, but it hadn’t happened, and so he applied to a few places. 

 

She applied to them also. 

 

He had agreed he would give up swimming if she wasn’t offered a spot at any of the places he wanted to go, but just a week after Rey’s birthday two identical letters come from Arizona State University. 

 

Ben has been given a scholarship for swimming, Rey has been accepted at regular tuition.

 

Leia is ecstatic. She takes them out to celebrate, lamenting about how having them in the same city means she can visit twice as often. 

 

Rey is already doing mental gymnastics to figure out how they could make it seem like maybe they are only roommates, maybe have a fake boyfriend. 

 

But if Leia comes often, she would know their friends… who would know them as… as what? Just cousins? 

 

Rey wants to live as a couple in college but she’s realizing it might not be what Ben wants— not while Leia and Han still don’t know. 

 

It’s another painful conversation she doesn’t want to have, isn’t sure how much she is willing to give. 

 

_ If it’s what Ben needs, I’ll do it.  _

 

Rey smiles calmly through their celebration dinner, as they toast to new beginnings. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These kids are almost out of the woods... get it? Because of all the trees. Haaaaa. Fr it is about to get hectic kids. Buckle up.


	33. June 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m adding additional tags for this chapter. See the end notes if you’d like to be warned.

_ Your family may not wait, just keep on breathing _

_ Our parents rue the day they find us kneeling _

_ Let them think what they may,  _

_ For they've good reason _

_ Left for the lights always in season _

 

_ The Penalty - Beirut  _

  
  


2014

  
  


It’s hot. Really hot. The sun is beating down and everyone is in giant black robes and black hats that just  _ beg  _ the sun for more heat. 

 

They’re graduating. Finally. They’re so close to being done. 

 

Rey figures she should get used to the heat, since she will be in Arizona soon. She’s never really liked the idea of a desert but, she can handle it for a few years. 

 

The trade off is  _ so _ worth it. 

 

Ben and Rey have different last names but Skywalker and Solo are right next each other alphabetically so they go up together to get their diplomas. 

 

She can see Leia in the crowd, Han fanning himself and waving. 

 

Rey wishes her dad was there. She wishes Nana was there. 

 

But it’s just Han and Leia and Rey can feel the the truth of it. 

 

They are the only parents she has. 

  
  


***

 

Leia is throwing them a graduation party, of course. Everyone is coming over right away for a brunch food and swimming and cake. 

 

There’s a caterer, and nine kinds of mini sandwiches. 

 

Rey is just thrilled to be out of her robes. She’s got a bikini on and a white cotton dress thrown over it.

 

“Can you believe we did it? We actually graduated.” Rose says. 

 

“I know, it’s wild,” Rey agrees. 

 

“Are you guys going to the party at Poe’s tonight?” 

 

“Yeah, I think we’re all doing dinner at Rubio’s and then once parents split, we can all go to Poe’s.” 

 

“Perfect. I know it’s never like, gonna be a real thing since I’m going to Vermont in the fall but… I was gonna try and make out with Ben tonight.” Rose bites her lip as she looks at Rey. “Do you think I have a shot?”

 

Rey looks at Rose. 

 

“I think you’d be better off making out with someone who likes you.” 

 

Rose looks hurt, she shrugs.  “Well yeah just— I figured since we’re leaving and stuff— I don’t know.” 

 

Rey shrugs too, she doesn’t have it in her to be particularly kind, even if she does feel bad. “I just mean lots of guys would be stoked, Rose. Don’t waste your time on someone who’s never been into it.” 

 

Rose nods, and smiles weakly. 

 

“Thanks Rey, you’re a good friend.” 

 

She pats her arm and wanders off to the buffet. 

 

Rey doesn’t feel like a good friend. 

 

***

 

Ben is swimming. Rey is trying not to stare. Kaydel is in the pool too and she splashed him playfully.  It doesn’t make her jealous the way Rose’s words did. She isn’t sure why. 

 

Leia comes up to her, sits down beside her. 

 

“I got you this,” she says. She hands Rey a little box. “Just something to show you how proud of you I am.”

 

Rey opens the box. It’s a small gold pendant on a chain. It’s engraved. 

 

_ For Rey, my only daughter. _

 

Rey wants to throw up. She closes her eyes and fights back tears. She turns her head and looks at Leia. This woman took her in, this woman gave her a good, good life. She gave her Ben. 

 

“Thank you,” Rey says. “For everything. I— I am more thankful than you know.”

 

Leia touches Rey’s cheek and smiles. She doesn’t say anything else, just rises slowly and goes back to hosting her party. 

 

Despite a voice in her head telling her not to, Rey puts the necklace on. 

 

***

 

The party goes on for hours until it’s time to head to dinner. 

 

Everyone loads up into cars, but Ben and Rey hang back. 

 

“We’ll meet you at the restaurant,” Ben says. “I need to shower and Rey said she'd clean up a bit. We’ll only be ten minutes behind you.” 

 

“Sure sweetheart,” Leia says, “come on Han.” 

 

“Can I ride with you? My sister and parents are meeting us there,” Rose says to Rey. 

“I can take you honey,” Leia says. 

 

Rose is too polite to argue, she smiles and follows Leia and Han out of the house. They wait for the sounds of gravel crunching, of cars pulling away and then— silence. 

 

It’s quiet, really quiet, for the first time all day. 

 

Ben looks at Rey. She’s sitting on the counter in the kitchen, legs dangling. Ben’s just in swim trunks. 

 

“We’re alone,” he points out. 

 

“We totally are,” Rey says with a smirk. “Technically, empty house doesn’t break any rules, does it?” 

 

“Nope,” he says, sliding between her legs. Ben leans in and kisses her. She wraps her legs around his waist and pulls their bodies closer together. He moans into her mouth a little bit. “I wanna fuck you, I’ll be quick I promise, please.” 

 

“Real quick,” she says, heart racing. 

 

Ben hums happily and pushes his shorts down, off. Rey peels off her bikini bottoms and drops them on the floor too. 

 

“Stand up,” Ben says, pulling her off the counter and walking her to the dining room table, bending her over it. He flips her dress up and touches her ass, running his hands over her and spreading her cheeks. He touches her hole, pressing his thumb there. 

 

“Would you let me fuck you here?” 

 

“Yes,” she grunts. “But Ben please we don’t— there’s no time— ahhh!” 

 

Ben slides into her pussy in one slick motion. He still has his thumb on her asshole, she feels it clench under the pad of pad of his finger. He’s just holding still inside of her. 

 

“You’re so hot,” he marvels. “Ridiculously hot, can't wait til it’s just us. Never gonna stop fucking you, you'll be lucky if I let you up to eat.” 

 

He pulls back and slams in again. Rey screams, pressing her cheek against the table. He does it again, again. He’s fucking her fast and hard and she can hear how wet she is, hear it squelching between their bodies and it makes her whimper. 

 

“Ben,” she begs, “Ben touch me.” 

 

“Not yet,” he tells her. “Wanna feel you cum when I do.” 

 

She’s so close, closer than she usually gets just from being fucked. She’s whining and panting but she can’t cum without more.

 

“You feel so fucking good, every time I fuck you I feel god, you know that? This pussy is heaven.” 

 

Rey can’t think, can’t breath, it feels so good. She claws at the wood, confused when Ben stops moving until she hears the scream. 

 

Ben is out of her suddenly, and she feels voided in a violent way. She looks over her shoulder and thinks she might pass out. 

 

“I— I forgot my wallet—“ Rose is standing there, crying, and behind her— Leia. 

 

Leia is just silent, watching as Rey and Ben scramble to cover themselves and move apart. Rose’s eyes fill with tears. “How could you, Rey?” and she takes off running, past Leia, presumably to tell everyone that Rey has been fucking her cousin. 

 

Rey wants to throw up. 

 

“Listen— we can explain—“ Ben starts. Leia walks over to Ben, she has tears in her eyes. She is so, so quiet. 

 

Then she slaps him, hard, across the face. 

 

Ben is bigger, and he’s tough, but he cries out in shock when his mother strikes him, and then she does it again, and  _ again _ . 

 

“You sick little fuck! What is wrong with you!” 

 

She keeps hitting him and he just crumples down, covering his face. 

 

“Stop it!” Rey screams and she jumps in between them. “You’re hurting him!” 

 

“You think I give a shit? Do you have any idea what you’ve done? That Tico girl has probably told everyone already— I can’t believe this. You’re fucking sick, both of you. I don’t know how I didn’t see this— I don’t know what the fuck you’ve been thinking—“ 

 

Rey slaps Leia. It’s nothing like last time, this time Leia slaps back, grabbing rey’s hair. 

 

“You ungrateful little slut,” she screams. “After everything I did for you.” 

 

She reaches for Rey’s neck, yanks the gold chain, breaking it. She throws it across the room and rounds on Ben again when he screams, “Don’t touch her!” 

 

Rey doesn’t wait this time, she darts away from her aunt and up the stairs breathing so fast. She has to stay calm— she has to get out. 

 

She calls an uber with shaking hands, tosses her phone into her backpack along with a change of clothes for her and for Ben, two laptops, a phone charger, a photograph of her and Luke when she was little. She finds their wallets, leaves their keys. 

 

It’s all she has time for, she’s down the stairs in all of two minutes. 

 

“You’re not going to school together, that’s for sure. Rey, you can wait tables for the rest of your life for all I care I’m not giving you a fucking dime!” 

 

Ben is crying, he’s begging Leia to just listen, keeps saying  _ mom I love her, please I love her _ but she won’t even hear it. 

 

“Come on,” Rey gasps, grabbing Ben’s hand. 

 

“He’s not going anywhere with you! Ben if you want to go to college, if you want to have any fucking relationship with me you will let Rey leave right now. Do not follow her.” 

 

Rey turns to Leia and they’re all crying. She feels her stomach flip with uncertainty as she looks between her aunt and her cousin. Whatever Ben chooses, she will benokay with it. She  _ will _ . 

 

“Mom I— I love her,” Ben says, taking Rey’s hand, and Rey sobs a little with relief. 

 

Leia looks resigned. 

 

“You disgust me. Both of you. Get out.” She sounds almost calm now. Rey knows she can’t possibly be, that shes boiling beneath the surface. 

 

Rey pulls Ben’s hand and they run. 

 

They run past Rose talking to Han, past his desperate attempt to call them back. They run down the long driveway to the road. There’s a car waiting. 

 

She shoves Ben inside. He’s just in swim trunks. She pulls a shirt for him out of her backpack. 

 

“I got our wallets, computers, some clothes but that’s it. We have the credit card. We’re going to the airport and then…” 

 

“Nana’s,” he says. 

 

She nods. 

 

“She knows, Ben. She basically told me as much. She won’t— she won’t hurt us.” 

 

Ben is just staring out the window, crying. Rey takes his hand he lets her but he doesn’t hold hers back. He seems nearly catatonic. 

 

They ride in silence to the airport. It reminds her of another ride, a year ago. 

 

Rey buys their tickets. They have to wait a few hours but that’s fine. They get through security and find a relatively empty gate. Ben sits on the floor and Rey crawls next to him. He opens his arms for her and she falls into them, relieved. 

 

He kisses her, touches her hair. 

 

“I’m so sorry,” she says, “we were being stupid and I knew it and I didn’t— I just— I’m so sorry.” 

 

“Shh,” Ben says gently, and then he laughs, a real laugh. Rey pulls back to look at him. His cheek is bruised now, she shivers. “Rey, don’t you see?” He looks down at her. “Everyone knows now. Everyone. We’re finally free.” 

 

She sinks back against him and he holds her, watching the planes as they take off, headed for places unknown. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * this chapter contains abuse from Leia, she slaps both Rey and Ben, hard enough to bruise. There is also some hair pulling and worse verbal abuse than we have seen * 
> 
> Ahhhh. Well. They were always going to get caught somehow. Not as hot IRL tho is it kids? What a great big future these two have, lots of possibilities even if it’s not the ones they thought. They picked each other and nothing will change that now ♥️


	34. June 2014 Part Two

_ This year's love had better last _

_ 'Cause who's to worry if our hearts get torn _

_ When that hurt gets thrown _

_ Don't ya know this life goes on? _

_ Won't ya kiss me on that midnight street? _

_ Sweep me off my feet _

_ Singing, "ain't this life so sweet?" _

 

_ This Year's Love - David Gray _

  
  
  
  


2014

  
  


They fly to Nana’s. Rey sends a text to let her know they’re coming. Their phones are still on but she isn’t sure that will last. She can’t panic about it right now, though. She has to just  _ get to Nana’s.  _

 

The flight is not long, but the mood between Rey and Ben is both somber and relieved. There is a weight that has been lifted from Rey and she cannot quite put into words how much lighter she feels, despite the trauma and the terror of the last day. 

 

They land in Washington and uber the nearly two hours to Nana’s with their credit card. 

 

Rey has never really had to think about money before, she’s already worried they’re running out. 

 

It’s quiet in the car, too, but they kiss a little, lips soft and wet in the back of the car as the rain falls and the driver takes them deeper and deeper into the depths of the Cascade mountain range. 

 

They arrive after dark, but Nana is waiting for them. 

 

When they get out of the car they have only their backpacks and each other. 

 

They walk into the house holding hands. 

 

***

 

Nana makes tea, there’s cookies too, but Rey and Ben don’t touch them yet. 

 

“So,” Nana says, rubbing her hands together. “Are we ready to talk about it?” 

 

Ben nods, and takes Rey’s hand. 

 

“Rey and I are in love.” 

 

“I kinda got that,” Nana says with a little smirk. 

 

“Are you mad?” Rey asks. 

 

“No,” Padmé says softly. “I am not mad at you, but I am… worried. Have been worried. I wish you would have told me sooner.  _ I _ would have told you not to fuck in the kitchen.” 

 

Both Rey and Ben wince, and then shift. 

 

“We… probably wouldn’t have listened,” Ben admits. 

 

“Part of why I worry,” she says with a loud laugh, shaking her head. 

 

“When did you know?” 

 

“Always,”  Nana says softly. “But I didn’t know you had acted on it until you were here last summer. You are… not subtle.” There’s more shifting from Ben and Rey. “I had hoped you would be able to keep it a secret at least until you were in college.” 

 

“That was the plan,” Rey says, and her voice cracks over the last word. She wants to say something about how actually this is good, how now there is no lying, how now they won’t live a lie, but Ben speaks instead. 

 

“Do you think she hates us? Hates— hates me?” 

 

Padmé’s face does something complicated, twisting into sorrow. She reaches over for the hand that is holding Rey’s, takes both of their hands. 

 

“She loves you. She absolutely does love you both, but she is fucked up, and she— she doesn’t love you the  _ right _ way. I thought a lot about having you kids come here but I knew how she would take that, that she wouldn’t let it happen and that I had no real rights to either of you.” 

 

Ben is crying silently. 

 

“She isn’t going to forgive you right away, but she will, and when she does I want you to think very carefully,” Nana says. 

 

“What do you mean?” Ben asks. 

 

Padmé sighs and tilts her head. “She has a way of— of holding her love hostage, of making it conditional and  _ that _ isn’t going to go away overnight. Probably it never will. I think it’s important for you to— to make a life away from her. To let it go, Ben.” 

 

Ben is fully crying now.

 

“And— and my dad?” 

 

“Should have been fighting for you, and never really did. I can’t tell you what to do Ben, but I think some time, some  _ space— _ it would be good.” 

 

Ben covers his face with his free hand and both Rey and Nana move closer to him. It takes him a minute to get his breath back. When he does he asks, “So what do we do?” 

 

“You have some options. Ben, you have a full ride to ASU if you want it. She can’t take that away.” 

 

“But books— and food and and lodging and—“ 

 

“One of you would have to work,” Nana looks at Rey. 

 

Rey nods, it’s not what she pictured but—

 

“No, fuck no,” Ben says. “I am not going to school while Rey makes our grocery money. Next.” 

 

“I’ll do it,” Rey says, “Ben I don’t mind, it’s not forever.”

 

“Next,” he says. 

 

Padmé smiles. 

 

“Luke left Rey a little money, not much, about ten thousand. It sounds like a lot, I know, but it isn’t. But it’s enough to help you move, pay a few months rent, get jobs— you could take a gap year, get resettled somewhere else. Reapply next fall.” 

 

Ben is nodding, but Rey isn’t sure. 

 

“Ben, your swimming—“ 

 

“I don’t care. I am not going, and that’s final. I am not going if you’re not. We will figure something else out, I swear. Please Rey, drop it.” 

 

He looks so serious, near furious, and Rey swallows, nodding her head.

 

“So I guess the question is: where do you wanna go?” Nana asks.

 

Rey feels the possibilities spill out in front of her and has to take a shuddering breath.

 

All she knows is that wherever they’re going, they’re going together. 

  
  


***

 

Ben sneaks into Rey’s room that night. She doesn’t tell him not to, there’s no reason to anymore. He cramps into the twin bed with her and they octopus around each other, kicking blankets off in the warm bedroom. 

 

The window is open, the curtains blow. It smells like wildflowers and Ben. 

 

“I love you,” she whispers to him. 

 

“I choose you,” he replies, and he dips his head to kiss her. 

 

Rey maneuvers herself on top of him and he pulls at her shorts, tugging them off. 

 

“You gotta be quiet,” he says, and she nods. 

 

Ben slips his own pants down and lines up against her and then Rey holds his shoulder and sinks down. 

 

They both inhale at the same time, and then Ben let’s Rey work herself against him, rutting and panting and keeping it at just the right pace that she doesn’t cry out. He watches as she fucks herself on him until she cums, shaking and clenching. 

 

He follows her soon after, a few quick thrusts tipping him into his orgasm, quiet and beautiful. He sits up to pant against her neck as he cums inside of her.  

 

After, she doesn’t make him go back to his room, she holds him, listening to his heart and the summer wind. 

 

They wake up still tangled together in the morning.

  
  


***

 

“Florida is far,” Nana says. 

 

“We know,” Rey says with a sad smile. “It’s not forever. Just for a little bit.” 

 

They had decided to go somewhere warm, wanted a beach, a pool, cheap rent. Somewhere far, far away. 

 

They were going to be living just an hour outside of Miami. 

 

Nana was with them at the airport this time, and she looked a little weepy. 

 

They had decided not to spend the summer with her, which she understood. 

 

They needed their own space, they had waited long enough. 

 

“I am going to miss you,” Rey says, voice cracking. 

 

“And I you,” her grandmother says. “Both of you.” 

 

She hugs Rey and then Ben. Someone honks, urging her to move her car.

 

“We’ll see you soon,” Ben says, and she nods, sighing as she walks around the car to the driver’s side door. 

 

They wave as she pulls out into traffic and disappears. 

 

The flight to Florida is long. Longer than flying between California and Washington. They watch movies and makeout a little and Rey is so filled with _ hope _ and  _ excitement  _ she can hardly stand it. 

 

“Do you or your girlfriend want anything to drink?” 

 

The question comes from the flight attendant but it startles Rey so much she feels tears sting her eyes. They’re both quiet for a moment, then Ben slings his arm around her shoulder and says, “My girlfriend and I would love coffee, thank you.” 

 

Rey has to look out the window, hiding her head as she cries fat, happy tears. 

 

When she looks over at Ben, he’s crying a little too. He holds his cup up and she follows. 

 

“To my beautiful girlfriend,” he says, “and to our new life.” 

 

She taps her styrofoam cup against his and they drink watery coffee together, hardly crying at all. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 💕💕


	35. December 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all.

Underneath the cotton sun

The freedom we had just begun

Sweeter than the finest rum

With my Angeline

 

A home with every kind of tree

Built it without anything

Life is like a peach in cream

With my Angeline

 

Angeline - Kishi Bashi

  
  


December 2015

 

It doesn’t get cold in Miami. Ben swims every day while Rey lays out and gets sun.

 

Their apartment building is called _The Monroe_ and it’s all about pink and turquoise, but the paint has faded to within a few shades of white.

 

The whole building wraps around a courtyard pool, palm trees line the edges, creating the feel of a small, chlorine scented jungle.

 

Even in December it’s warm enough to spend an entire Saturday by the pool.

 

They share it, of course, with Georgina, their elderly neighbor who has skin as thick and tan as leather, and with Marvin, who talks to himself in Spanish more than he talks to them in English. Ben swims laps and then tugs Rey into the cool water. It’s just enough to make her shiver.

 

Ben’s lips taste like pool water and sugar when he kisses her and she loses herself in it until she hears the gate clinking shut.

 

“Hey lovebirds, cut it out,” a voice calls.

 

Rey laughs against Ben’s lips and looks up at her friend Cassian. His girlfriend Jyn is right behind him, smiling.

 

“Do you guys wanna swim for a bit?” Ben asks, wrapping his arms around Rey and wading them through the water toward the edge of the pool.

 

It’s just dark enough that the string lights in the palm trees have come on, salt white. The sky above them is pink, darkening to the color of a bruise.

 

“Nah,” Jyn says, “I brought goodies.”

 

Ben and Rey climb out of the pool and wrap themselves in worn beach towels and lead the way up the rusted metal steps to their apartment.

 

They’ve been living in Florida for a year and a half, and they’ve acquired their own things.

 

Rey started working at a coffee shop and Ben started waiting tables in a restaurant within a week of them moving.

 

Adjusting to working all the time is odd, but good. There is a routine to it, domesticity.

 

Ben wakes up first, before dawn most days, out to his job at the diner down the street just as the sun begins to rise.

 

Rey works a morning rush at the local coffee shop. They both finish work by one most days, but the first year they both pulled doubles, tucking away every extra dollar they could.

 

Now they take classes in the afternoon a few days a week at the local community college. Ben doesn’t talk about wanting to swim professionally anymore.

 

Rey knows the window of opportunity grows smaller all the time. She thinks maybe this is just the causality for Ben.

 

Another thing that Leia stole.

 

But the inside of their apartment is a sanctuary, a place she has never touched.

 

They found most of their furniture slowly, the metal coffee table, the wooden dining room table with the mix matched chairs that Rey painted the same shade of bright red.

 

There are string lights and scarves along the walls, postcards and old photographs and they collected at vintage stores. They found old frames and framed some road maps. There’s a brightly colored rug in the center of the living room.

 

Their couch is from goodwill, it’s dark blue and full of mismatched pillows and so, so soft.

 

But not as soft as their bed. _Their bed._ The bed they bought, saving for two months sleeping curled together on their couch, eating noodles and rice for every meal.

 

It takes months before Rey realized it wasn't just _the apartment,_ it was _home._

 

They met Cas and Jyn a few months in, when Cas started working with Ben.

 

They were the first people to ever know Ben and Rey as a _couple_ and not _cousins._

 

Jyn reaches into her bag and pulls out two bottles of champagne and Rey pulls on a large, clean t shirt and rushes to grab the amazon package that came the day before.

 

There’s a naked Christmas tree by the window.

 

“Okay I got new lights because we used broken ones last year. But I have our old ornaments and I bought a couple new ones.”

 

“Great, I’ll help you unpack them.”

 

The girls sit and begin to carefully unwrap the ornaments for the tree.

 

Rey bought them all in a rush last year, desperate to create their own traditions, desperate to soothe the ache of a Christmas alone.

 

Nana Paddy flew out to be with them. Leia didn’t even call.

 

This year it feels softer, for a few reasons. Mostly it just feels like home here now.

 

She’s in just her t shirt and bathing suit bottoms, sitting on the floor and looking at the little ceramic and tin animals. She had wanted her tree to look like a jungle.

 

Ben and Cas being them glasses of champagne and then all together they twist the lights around the tree.

 

Sufjan Stevens is singing Christmas songs over the Bluetooth speakers.

 

Ben takes Rey’s hand and she twirls toward him, pressing her hands against his chest. He kisses her and then nips her neck before going to the kitchen to get the snacks Rey bought earlier.

 

“Is your grandmother still coming, Rey?” Jyn asks, her voice low.

 

Their friends don’t know the truth about them, but this far from home it isn’t so hard to hide.

 

Nana is Rey’s grandmother. Leia is Ben’s mom. They’ve known each other a long, long time. High school sweethearts.

 

That’s all there is to it.

 

“Yes, she gets in tomorrow.”

 

“Any word from Ben’s mom?”

 

“His dad has called him a few times. But no, she hasn’t called.”

 

“It’s probably for the best.”

 

Rey thinks of Leia, the word _mother_ threatening to wrest itself from her lips.

 

“I think so too,” she says instead.

 

Ben comes back with cheese and salami and the entire bottle of champagne and they toast again, downing their drinks and refilling them.

 

It isn’t long before Rey is lost in laughter.

  


***

 

Their friends leave after a few hours, promising to text while they visit Cas’s parents in Georgia over Christmas, and then it’s quiet.

 

The room is lit only by the light of the Christmas tree, shifting from pink to green to blue.

 

“Hey,” Ben says with a smile, and then he’s lifting her up and carrying her into their bedroom, into their bed.

 

Their clothes are tangled on the floor, photos of both of as infants, as children, as teenagers sit on the dresser, the past and the future colliding.

 

Lights from the courtyard and the pool below filter in through their gauzy curtains along with the breeze.

 

Ben cages himself over her body. She barely got dressed before, and he just tugs her bathing suit bottoms down now, mouthing at her neck. She wants more of him, though and she tugs his shirt off while he pushes his swim trunks down.

 

He doesn’t have to do much, she’s ready for him by the time he lines up. Ben bites her cotton covered shoulder as he slides all the way inside of her.

 

“Shit,” he breathes, and they both sigh. But Rey needs the burn and the stretch back so she whispers, _I’m ready._

 

Ben hikes her hip up and pulls back and then he’s fucking her— slamming into her at exactly the right angle— in a way that has only become possible with time and patience and talking.

 

Rey can’t help the tears that leak from her eyes as he fucks her fast, she lets him drive the breath from her lungs over and over until she’s dizzy and crying out against his mouth.

 

He takes his time with her, and despite the pace of his thrusts he doesn’t tire or lose himself— the result of more practice— but he follows the cues of her body.

 

When she tenses and closes her eyes he slows down, when her fingers tighten on his shoulders he starts moving faster again, when she sobs he kisses her, stealing more breathe until her pussy contracts around him as she gasps and cums hard.

 

She knows he’s close when he starts touching her clit, building her up one last time.

 

He looks at her when he cums, whispers her name as his eyes get bright and wet.

 

She kisses him as he tries to catch his breath and he rolls over her, then pulls her with him.

 

She runs her fingers through his hair and he shivers.

 

After a few minutes he takes off her shirt and her bikini top, kissing the marks it left on her skin.

 

She falls asleep in bed next to Ben, and in the morning she wakes up next to him too.

 

***

 

Nana is going to be there soon, and Ben and Rey are sitting on the couch, staring at Ben’s cell phone.

 

“I just think if you guys wanted to come, she would be happy.”

 

The voice coming through the speaker is Han’s.

 

Rey takes Ben’s hand. She can feel her uncles desperation to fix things, to make the hurt disappear.

 

But Leia herself can’t make the call. Leia herself can’t say sorry.

 

She didn’t invite them home for Christmas, and Han’s invitation sounds more like encouraging them to make the first step and just _show up_ hoping it will be a good time.

 

It’s not going to happen.

 

Rey looks at Ben, they both have tears in their eyes.

 

“Thank you dad,” Ben says, “but we want to spend Christmas here, just us.”

 

There’s silence for a minute, then: “Okay, Well maybe next year then.”

 

“Yeah, maybe,” Ben says. “We uh— we gotta go. Rey sends her love too.”

 

Rey holds Ben’s hand until the call has ended, and then they both sigh.

 

“I don’t want to go back yet,” he tells her.

 

“I know, me either.”

 

“Maybe one day, but…”

 

“I know,” she leans forward and kisses him, keeps kissing him until he softens against her.

 

They don’t say it: _but maybe not._

 

They finish putting away dishes and folding spare blankets and Rey is sure the place looks about as good as it possibly can when their doorbell rings.

 

Rey smiles at Ben as they answer the door, welcoming Nana Paddy in their home.

 

She has to take a moment because she is _so_ thankful that this is the family she has, and that this is the family she has chosen.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM CRIEN YALL AHHH. I am is so emo. I have so many feelings. This is my favorite story I’ve written, my favorite Rey and Ben. I can’t thank you enough for reading. If you’re interested in supporting me you can find links to do so on my Twitter. So much love 💕💕

**Author's Note:**

> If you don't already, follow me on [tumblr](http://r-e-a-l-m-a-t-h.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/violethoure666)
> 
> If you’re enjoying this story and want to see it continued please let me know. It’s a huge boost for me. To all those who do comment thank you thank you thank you 🙌🏼
> 
> Edited: it keeps saying 35/? No matter what I do but this is the last chapter of this story 💕💕


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